Concerns over telling my wider family

Thanks. That's exactly how my parents reacted too. 

Hi Steve, I am in a similar situation. I was diagnosed a few months ago in my thirties. I decided i would tell those who most needed to know or who i wanted to know because a) i tend to bottle things up which have led to poor mentail health...if i tell people i can be more open and honest about struggles..b) my diagnosis gave me pemission to be myself more which may mean slightly different behaviours as i gradually peel away the mask.....

I told close friends who are very open and had some good discussions with, others didn't bat an eyelid. I told my manager who was ok about it. My parents accepted me telling them but we haven't gone into any discussion since as neither of us know how to bring it up again and I made a bit of a hash of telling them. (Timing isn't my strong point). There is one thing which I didn't forsee coming and its making me think twice about who else I tell such as in laws or colleagues.

When I told my parents, I didn't forsee having to go right back to the beginning of having to a)talk about why I sent myself for assessment and b) justify myself (against the comments of "everyone does that / is like that"). I had got over this with my partner and friends a few years ago when I first opened up discussion of possibility of being AS. I totally appreciate these comments come from a lack of understanding and outdated stereotypes.  (Another reason I want more people to know - open up a discussion about it). But I just can't face having to explain myself to every person that I tell.

On the other hand, my partner said its probably been more of a big deal for me to tell than for others to know and its certainly felt that way in most cases. Remember, there's no rush to tell anyone. Maybe be clear about first about why you want others to know. Be prepared to explain or justify yourself.

A lot of older people I have found are dismissive. In my wider family we had one member who was very clearly Autistic from a very early age and everyone agrees now. They were never diagnosed. More recently, a younger member of the family has been diagnosed yet one older member of the family refuses to believe it. The funny thing is they agree that the other undiagnosed family member has Autism 100%. This is because the undiagnosed one displayed his symptoms quite openly and obviously and to everyone but the other diagnosed one does not. A stranger would not immediately know. It would only become apparent having spent some time with them. 

Not to sound rude, but it is basically ignorance though it has to be expected from anyone who hasn't educated themselves enough about Autism as it is not a subject easily grasped and certainly won't be grasped in one sitting. For some people, your head would need to be hanging off for them to believe something was wrong. They need to see something physical or very obvious. It can be very frustrating and hurtful to be dismissed.

My only advice would be to explain how it affects you personally to your parents to the best of your knowledge. Or even write it all out for them so it's easy for them to understand as you may forget things or struggle to get it across face to face or in the spur of the moment. I wouldn't be in a huge rush to tell the wider family myself, unless I was very close to them but only you can decide this based on your own judgment. 

STOP!

Congratulations on joining the club. 

This is big news to you but is can trigger a few issues.    Have a think before you proceed.

You parents are proud of you - and of their achievements through you - if you tell them you are faulty, it can damage their self-esteem - they are now the producer of a broken toy.  .      How could they admit it to their rival neighbours - it might even lower the property values!             

Also, they've accepted you all your life - your are 'normal' (maybe with some quirks) but they will have great difficulty believing you are broken.     There's also a chance that one of them may be ASD too - and a sudden penny-drop situation might happen.

If there's any rivalry in the wider family, telling them can upset the balance of power in the family (families are usually bonkers).    Things can kick off.      That nasty aunt now has more ammunition against your parents etc...... 

Get used to your diagnosis - understand yourself and how your ASD affects you - when you are happy, then quietly mention it if the opportunity arises - don't force it.  

Friends - most probably already know and accept you or don't care - your diagnosis doesn't change *you* in any way.     Any friends you lose because of it are not your friends anyway.

Work - be careful!    Anything you say can and will be used against you.    In the right company, they will be supportive and it's not a problem - you will succeed.

in a company with political egos, it will be used against you - it can be career suicide.

Good luck!