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Confused feeling my parents are getting old

Valgal

My mum and dad both live apart but still in the same town, both in there 70s.

They are both less able but not willing to accept help from outsiders.

I can not do it all, mentally and physically unable and they cant seem to grasp that.

I struggle to go out alone, im at the point im not going out at all.

Trying to hide from it all I guess and I know its not going to solve things.

No matter how hard I try and make them see there is no changing there ways.

Feeling  trapped and uneasy will life get any easier.

I dont want to come across as selfish im just scared of them getting old and I dont

know how to deal with it.

  • This is a common scenario I face as a social worker. Eventually people will reach a natural crisis point and be forced to give in to help. Sometimes family prevent that point being reached for longer than they really should and make themselves unwell in the process. My advice is to do what you can sustain, no more, and be very clear with them about what you do not have time to do. If you do things once then they will always say "you have done it before so why not now". Manage their expectations from now on and keep your boundaries. 

    Also, start having conversations now about what they would do if you weren't well enough to continue doing what you do. If you are unexpectedly ill then at least they'll have already given this some thought.

    Feel free to message me if you like but this website it useless so I may not see it to reply straight away. 

  • Thats unfortunate but even if your parents don't want help, eventually they’ll have to, not only is it unfair but i’d border on closer to cruel to push you so far past your limits. Taking care of people who need help is important in society but that doesn't mean completely draining yourself, doing two oerson jobs on your own, drowning in feelings of being overwhelmed where you struggle to leave the house, all in order to satisfy an unfair want. No one can require that from you. So i hope you dont feel to guilty about your feelings towards your situation as they are totally fair

    in terms of a possible solution, try to find a compromise at first. talk to your dad about part time care, maybe going to a day home, where there are nurses and older community and then coming home at night, where you may have to help him with some things but he’ll also be sleeping for a portion.  If he is unwilling to consider it and compromise then you may have no choice but to put him in a home, because it will be whats best for his saftey and well being when he is clearly not making decisions that prioritse his health, and rather just wanting to put the burden on you, who btw may have no,particular qualifications to handle older person care

  • in reply to DaveAsperg

    At the end of the day it whats my dad wants is just me, he dont trust anybody else so I think Im stepping back to see how far I can push him into finally asking for help else where but I really dont think it will happen.

    Ive no help as my sister lives abroad and cant afford to come home.

  • Need to try pushing social services for CHC, or look for sheltered housing or even care homes on the horizon . Or do you have brothers or sisters to help?chc is excellent if you get it but other options cost £££

  • Many times ive watched my dad been taken away in the ambulance, I tried my best, there was no care put in place not help, I had to man lift him on my own when its a 2 person job by nurses. The ambulance lady was very understanding and said its not fair on your dad its degrading for you both.  Im done I cant keep going like this....