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Is it possible to 'learn' non-verbal communication when autistic?

Emmsmum

Hi,

As the mother of 2 autistic children, I finally got up the guts to get assessed myself.  I was shocked to find that they would not diagnose me because my non-verbal skills were too good, other than that, I would've got the diagnosis. I've spent almost 50 years watching and observing people (I've even been challenged several times for inadvertently staring at strangers whilst watching them).  I can keep eye contact for a few seconds then I have to look away, but I'm a naturally friendly, smiley person (like my son) and I feel the assessor didn't 'get me' and took my learnt friendliness the wrong way.  I'm having to lodge a complaint which fills me with dread, but a correct diagnosis is very important to me.  Has anyone else come across this, or feel their ability to 'act' normal was used against them in an assessment?

Parents

  • There was a programme on channel 4 called Are You Autistic and it showed autistic children learning emotions with robots. It is still available on their catch up service as I only watched it the other day. 

    I personally think we can learn emotional cues, especially autistic women as we often spend time with neurotypical women who tend to be more outwardly emotional than their male counterparts. I think I am definitely hypersensitive to other people and their emotions. My own emotional response isn't always "right" but I'm very reflective and intelligent and can usually come to the right conclusions if I give things time and consideration. 

  • in reply to M

    Thank you, I will look it up and have a watch.  I'm hypersensitive to other people and their emotions and I told her this, but it seemed to me that she took this as I can understand emotions. Because I look and smile at people when I see them (because that's what my parents taught and prompted me to do), she said my non verbal skills were too good for a diagnosis.

  • in reply to Emmsmum

    Girls and women are taught by everyone to smile, especially at boys and men otherwise nobody will want us. I don't think it is surprising that we learn to do this personally. There is a lot of pressure as a female to look and behave in certain ways. I describe myself as a social chameleon with various personas to switch between to help me blend in. If that doesn't take some emotional awareness then what does?! I don't always get it right but I think if you are smart then you can learn the rules of the "game" that is life just like the rules of any other game. I personally love rules.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Exactly!  I find friendships difficult at times, but worth the effort because I sometimes crave that interaction, however, it is on my terms and I'm very lucky to have good friends who accept me for who I am.  Growing up, I recognised that a smile is an acceptable response and people have commented on my ready smile, which reinforces that I'm doing the right thing.  My sons go-to response is also smiling.

  • in reply to Emmsmum

    Sorry but I'm getting a bit angry reading this. Who is to say autistic people don't have friends. That's a load of BS. I have friends, it's not always easy and requires you to "put yourself out there" but I think some autistic people DO want to be social even though it doesn't come easy or naturally.

    I said to my assessor that I've been around NT women at work for the past ten years and have learned emotional responses that way. I'm better at reacting in the expected way now, even if it doesn't come naturally sometimes. I'm better at this now than I was because of the people I have been around. 

    Also growing up I just thought if i smile and be lovely that should get you through most situations. 

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  • in reply to Emmsmum

    Sorry but I'm getting a bit angry reading this. Who is to say autistic people don't have friends. That's a load of BS. I have friends, it's not always easy and requires you to "put yourself out there" but I think some autistic people DO want to be social even though it doesn't come easy or naturally.

    I said to my assessor that I've been around NT women at work for the past ten years and have learned emotional responses that way. I'm better at reacting in the expected way now, even if it doesn't come naturally sometimes. I'm better at this now than I was because of the people I have been around. 

    Also growing up I just thought if i smile and be lovely that should get you through most situations. 

Children
  • in reply to Deleted User

    Exactly!  I find friendships difficult at times, but worth the effort because I sometimes crave that interaction, however, it is on my terms and I'm very lucky to have good friends who accept me for who I am.  Growing up, I recognised that a smile is an acceptable response and people have commented on my ready smile, which reinforces that I'm doing the right thing.  My sons go-to response is also smiling.