Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello!
I'm a 21 year old female and have just begun my route to getting diagnosed.
I have identified with so many of the adult traits of ASD such as:
I read that to be diagnosed you need to have shown symptoms by age 2/3. I've spoken to my parents as as a young kid I developed without a lot of these. I starting speaking early, responded to smiles, responded to my name, didnt struggle to communicate needs and didnt have any repetitive movements. I had a couple of occasions where I said inappropriate things to people in public but I was taught that these were wrong and I wasn't allowed to say those things to people. When I started primary school, I had no issues talking to people but struggled making good friends, hung out more with boys and played make believe. I was constantly called 'gifted', 'bright' and clever. Plus I was the teacher's pet of every teacher I had. I found it much easier to talk to adults that to kids my own age and this was true until I became an adult myself. I do remember having some attachments to inanimate objects when I was young. There was one piece of suede that I loved when I was about 5 and I lost it in ASDA. I wandered off to find it, ending up crying a lot, finally found it and then found my family again.
When I started highschool is when everything got a lot worse and more noticeable. I'd always been called 'different' , 'odd' or 'weird'; even been bullied for it in primary school. However, it really started to affect me in highschool. It probably didn't help that it was an all girls grammar school as I find guys easier to understand and the grammar part put extra pressure on. In the first couple months I had terrible breakdowns about not fitting it. Struggling to read motives and facial expressions, I always thought the 'popular' girls were being mean and that made me feel more out of place. Mum recommended I watched some teen shows to gain confidence but what I actually did was pick up mannerisms, phrases etc. It was also during highschool that I learnt that I struggled to maintain eye contact. I always had to force it.
[Something I should also note is that I got diagnosed with Dyslexia in school. This got picked up only at A level as I'd always gotten good grades]
At 16 ish I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. It caused me to get really depressed and withdrawn. I've had treatment for it and its gotten a lot better but its still there. Now in uni, where socialising is at its extreme, I've really noticed how much it exhausts me. Especially in a shared uni house where I dont have my own space to have a social hangover. In second year I would often starve until about 3pm; staying in bed as long as possible to avoid people. At uni I struggle hard to care for myself (cooking, cleaning etc) and this doesn't help. They were lovely housemates but I never got to recharge. It all contributed to me being really suicidal about a year ago and the first lockdown forced me to come home. It was the best thing for me and could have saved my life.
This isn't everything but its an overview of me and my journey. Sorry if its a bit long.
Here are my test scores in case it helps
Thank you so much in advance to anyone who responds
I agree with you. It's like I/you hit a block at a certain age and just halted isn't it. I think also people like us don't 'look different' so people just expect us to be like them.
I relate to SO MUCH of what you said there. I was managing to plod along mostly as a child until I hit 17/18 and I was about to go to Uni, I feel like I stopped developing then and completely began to deteriorate and stay stuck at that age and never develop emotionally or mentally after that point. People my age and older often remark I seem much younger than my actual age of 29. I can’t cope with many things others take for granted and I’m convinced there’s a reason for that too.
I can relate to a lot of what you write e.g. always being called 'weird' 'strange' 'odd'.
And what other people say about too much emphasis being placed on childhood behaviours could be true. I was fine as a child and okay til I reached my early 20s. I had friends, I fitted in, I think my friends thought I was a bit weird but they liked me so they just accepted me. It was only when I had to become an adult that I began to struggle badly e.g. I had a breakdown at university but as it was the 1990s there was no support available.
I think autism can hide when people are young but emerge when they hit a certain stage of development- I feel like I've kind of stopped developing in my 20s and I can't cope well with anything above that age. So people my age think I'm very immature. I am 52 and most people think I'm much younger.
And my daughter didn't show any signs of autism til she hit adolescence. Somehow (hormones?) her autism emerged when she got to age 12 whereas no one had noticed anything before then except her being a quiet, sensitive child.
So anyway, I think whatever age you are, getting tested is a good idea.
Very good description of something similar to my path in life. Being weird can be something to enjoy, but you have to get to like yourself. Get married to yourself and look after yourself forevermore
Welcome to this forum
Why not go for a diagnosis ? ( NHS )
Does your uni have an autism diagnosis scheme ?.... some people were mentioning that their uni was doing subsidised diagnoses which is something u should look into
One thing I will say is there's too much emphasis placed on childhood behaviours; obviously just my opinion and not a professional opinion. There are too many people being diagnosed later in life where no-one, themselves included suspected they were autistic. The individual, (like myself) may have struggled with many things, (a lot for me are on your list) but there still weren't enough outward signs for people to recognise the condition.
Clearly as is said regularly, it's a spectrum, and some children will be identified at an early age, some very early. For others things can be more subtle. You will know best, and what I would say is really think about everything that happened at school and in your early life. It should be easier for you; I was diagnosed two years ago, aged fifty-five, so things should be fresher in your younger mind.
For example one of my stims was to constantly rub the skin on my feet. I'd pull my sock down and do this. When I mentioned this to my brother at the point of my diagnosis, there was an "oh yea" moment. This behaviour and many others simply passed by my parents and brother, and were labelled and consigned as a quirky trait. I struggled in art class, and later realised it was dry paint on my hands I couldn't cope with.
You haven't just developed all the things on your list recently. They will have been there to a degree.
Hope that helps.
Much of this resonates with me and your experience certainly resemble those associated with the autistic spectrum but like NAS71595 I am not a professional. From my own experience, which is the only experience that I can talk about authoritatively, what I and others thought was social anxiety/PTSD and much earlier being a shy child turns out to be ASC and this has given me a better understanding of who I am and why I am the way I am - it's quite affirming in that way.
To go back to your original question, it does sound a lot like you are on the spectrum but again I'm no professional. You mentioned that you have 'just begun my route to getting diagnosed'. Could you tell me a bit more about that? If you don't mind that is.
I can relate to a lot of this - especially being considered weird and called a “freak” at school (without understanding why anyone would actually find me strange!), got pushed away a lot in primary even though I was actively trying to make friends there. I did get a diagnosis of high functioning autism at 17, though I’m going for a second assessment when I can get one arranged, as I’ve been having counselling for 3 months and the person I’m seeing made me wonder if it was just ptsd from early childhood, but I can’t remember what was actually brought up at my appointments while I was seeing the psychiatrist who diagnosed me. He tried to encourage me to watch soaps and copy the people on them, when it came to making conversation, but I found it hard to do - I couldn’t get how they could segue into the involved conversations they got into, and I remember not wanting to become like the Mitchell brothers from Eastenders! I do understand facial expressions to an extent, and odd phrases, but have always struggled socially. I got similar scores on tests as you did (8/10 on AQ10, below average EQ test score, mid 30s on AQ).
Going for an assessment with an autism specialist would probably be your best move, if you really want or need a formal diagnosis. Based on your post, I’d say you are on the spectrum, but I’m not a professional.