Friends

Charlie Timm said:

It has been proven that autistic people are equally good at communicating with each other, as neuro-typicals are with each other. It is the cross-neurological communication that is faulty.

Hi, Charlie:

I couldn’t agree more with what you said, here. The individual in my life with whom I most easily communicate is my cousin who has autism as well.

When he and I talk, conversation flows in a way I don’t experience with others. It’s a joy to talk to him, and effortless - we think in similar ways in terms of our ways of processing information, our curiosity, our enthusiasm, and our interest in going deep.

I am curious about whether I would have the same synchronicity with someone with autism who was not my cousin. The fact that he and I are so closely related might I mean that ‘our autisms’, so to speak, are more similar than they would be otherwise.

I should Google that...

Hey, wait, I’m on a website with people with autism… So I’m also going to throw this out there by starting a thread about it, asking for others’ thoughts. I’ll copy and paste the paragraphs above...

Elizabeth

I think it's important to also appreciate that the neuro-typical need for socializing is as strong and important, as the autistic need for connection. None is better than the other. I believe it is nature's was to keep balance and order. Humanity would get nowhere, if the masses where not coherent by the forces of "socializing". The need for connection stems from our need to understand. We want to understand everything and have a high drive to gain knowledge. However, my need to adapt to a group to achieve a larger goal is very little. So, I believe it's good that the majority are social beings and then we just need to accept that our potential friend-pool is small and scattered. 

It has been proven that autistic people are equally good at communicating with each other, as neuro-typicals are with each other. It is the cross-neurological communication that is faulty.

Yes! That's exactly it for me as well and very well put. People always see if as antisocial but it's just because you're not superficial. 

Congrats :) I thought my wife and I were having the same neuro-divergence between us - me being the autistic part. Turns out she's definitely on the spectrum too. So now we're a household of four autistic people. Funny how things can change 10 years into the relationship :D 

I'm also in a marriage of different neurotypes, I'm the autistic person and husband is NT. 

It has its fun times and times where we frustrate the life out each other but it's definitely rewarding. We're approaching our 4th wedding anniversary, 9th year of being in a relationship. 

Somewhere in the comments, you write that you don't know how to be sociable. To me, this makes perfect sense. I have no intention of being sociable either. There is no drive in me to act sociable. However, there is a huge drive in me to connect with people. Authentic, honest and deep connections. As one of my friends once said: "It always gets psychological with you". I do not care much for superficial chitter-chatter for the purpose of being accepted in a group. However, this has often meant that I would eventually be filtered out in various social contexts. If people are not ready to reflect on who they really are, I know I will be intense to be around. But this is also what my friends appreciate. And it allows be to have fulfilling social interaction with someone I just met - as long as we connect. 

I love all that stuff! There have been such a lot of gardening programmes on the telly box recently, also to do with the design and history of gardens, gardens around the world, gardens as culture. I'm more into the wildlife side of things :-)

I've recently been bullied on Facebook for the first time! But I still lurk about in various groups without posting anything or "joining in". I'm also part of ADHD groups, I forget the percentage exactly but something like 30% of ADHDers could also be autistic. I'm working on self-acceptance and making a fab neurodiverse life :-) Thinking of you x

Gardening is closely linked with eco groups, recycling, 'living off the land', bush-crafts and wetlands, off-grid life, hydroponics, renewable energy. etc. etc. - don't limit yourself!

You'll also find most auties/aspies are age-blind - they don't care how old you are.

Be very careful with Facebook and autism - it can be a world of pain and bullying and accidental 'outing' of yourself.     Tread carefully!

also try facebook ---- search to find autism groups,,, search for "your area" + ( "autism" or "autistic")

but be careful. Only go to groups where u and a friend can turn up in person be wary of any online groups. 

i dont use Facebook because  i hate how it watches you, and collects data about you, to be passed on to advertisers etc

I'm also the youngest wildlife watcher! In my nephew's local area Mencap have autism services too, which could be an alternative to NAS in your local area. I've met a fab bunch of autistic people through my autistic husband and his support group. We only got married 18 months ago, hoping for a fab neurodiverse future together. We're both in our 40s so we've had to wait a long time for it :-)

alex__ said:

I eventually found out in my year away from work, that I actually enjoyed my own company,

Can relate to that. I don't do the social thing at all (I won't "check-in" with people to see how they are or ask about their lives). I'm quite happy to run into people at events but that's as far as it goes.

For a long, long time I used to berate myself for not having any close friends (I have one now, but she gets me, so there's a healthy distance), then I finally realised in general I'm much more comfortable with acquaintances. No-one can understand why I'm perfectly happy spending Christmas on my own, with a pile of good books, some unwatched films and an affectionate cat.

The odd thing is I enjoy coaching people, or doing presentations (small audiences, face to face with large ones is terrifying) because the boundaries are set and I've got "rules" to work to. Social situations though are just constant anxiety, even if its with people I'm comfortable working with. The last meal I attended with folk from work - few years ago now - I'm conscious I was "off" all through the evening because I was struggling with the social dynamics and couldn't relax. Never again. 

Okay I understand, it can be difficult to make friends/meet new people, especially during lockdown, etc. However, maybe talk to people through this and find people who have common interests. Also, there is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, there is no rush to make lots of friends, spend time doing stuff you enjoy. Focus on yourself too, and in time, people will find you - you attract the same energy you give out (not sure if you will understand this). I am more than happy to talk, be online friends, if you would like x

I am a member of a village gardening club but am the youngest so no people my age. Also, I am struggling to find a local branch or the National Autistic Society. 

I am 20 and live in a village so it's hard to meet new people- most people near me my age bullied me at one point or another. I hear what you're saying though. 

I mostly meet people by volunteering these days and have used the Do-It website to find opportunities close by. I only moved to my local area 18 months ago and volunteered for my local branch of the National Autistic Society too. They are keen to have neurodiverse people involved. I also enjoy the company of older people so groups like gardening and wildlife watching are great and people don't seem to mind my idiosyncracies so much :-) I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with the apps too :-(

Anyone who treats you like this is not a friend, they're a user. Someone else said they were waiting for something better to come along and they are completely right.

I have a friend from school who is probably autistic too and even though she's moved miles away and we can't see each other very much it feels like we've not been apart when we do see each other. That's a real friend and you'll find one when you don't expect it.

I have a few other friends and then acquaintances who I will say hello to in the street but I'm not that bothered about them and they're not bothered about me. 

You can find like minded people by joining specific groups like if you like reading join a reading circle, don't join general meet up groups as they seem to attract creeps. 

Hey Katrina!

I am not too sure how old you are, however, something I have learnt is, it is more important to have a few 'real' friends, as opposed to many. Also, I discovered that as I got older (late teens/early adulthood), I found it easier to make new friends because everyone had matured and discovered their 'special interests' and hobbies. If people choose to no longer be your friends, they are not worth your time, energy and company - it is their loss! I know it can be difficult, but one day, you will find a friend/group of friends which you just click with. Hope this helps, keep your head up

Are there any websites to find people likeminded near you? I have tried some apps but people kept messaging me for one night stands (which is not what I was after at all).