have a melt down lately? and what counts as one...

i'm kind of accepting that i'm a screaming maniac at stupid things... maybe that WILL save me from yelling at some person (uh, like my temporary doctor... oh, and complaining excessively to my other doctor). i've also kind of noticed i yelp and shriek when i think of uncomfortable social situations that i've just been in. right when that anxiety over that event, i think of it, i yelp out loud. pretty loud, too.

There's underlying frustration and anxiety at the root, but I sometimes meltdown at the slightest trigger. It can be something as simple as a little bit of trouble with my internet connection while I'm trying to stream something and I end up yelling at the TV. I feel ridiculous for doing it, but it's like the emotion just has to come out, and honestly, I'd rather scream at a TV than someone who's not deserving of getting screamed at.

Ah, wow. That sounds familiar! I actually just started another thread on this. I sometimes think if it had been an internal promotion I might have been able to handle it better, but moving and not knowing anyone meant I just tried to battle through and keep it bottled up.

I guess my main issue now is I feel like I'm not good enough at my job any more. In the past I've always had some level of control over topics and groups I teach, so have tailored it to my particular talents. Now I'm at a worse school and am given worse groups, teaching other people lessons. 

I know a lot of people have found the lockdowns hard, but honestly, I've loved almost everything about them

its good you are applying "living" Mindfulness so well and I am glad it is changing u're thinking.   

I had a promotion that collapsed for a very similar reason. The structure simply wasn't there - and there was no manual to guide me as to what to do or needed to know and I didn't understand a lot was down to building relationships with other people (I figured this one out when people came in from "outside" and got to work networking, they instinctively seemed to know how to operate). I hated trying to piece things together, I needed stuff explained so I knew what what I needed to do. I also had high expectations of myself, and without the info I needed I felt like I was letting myself down (I know!)

I tried to hang in there, that's what most people say ("It''ll get better" - even my new boss tried to persuade me to stay), but once I started pouring myself a glass of wine in the evening to "switch off" so I could sleep I knew I was in trouble. Even after I stepped down I had problems. After asking around I realised my experience was common to a lot of people newly promoted and that set off the thoughts as to why I had found it so difficult to cope. I knew something just wasn't right. 

I'll miss the money.... ....but sacrificing my health an that altar wasn't worth it. And besides, it was the resignation that started my journey towards assessment.  

Mindfulness is described in the Sutras.  It is not Western. There is more to meditation than "Self Awareness" as there are many types of meditation coming from Indian, Vietnamese, and Japanese cultures.

• I had absolutely never thought of myself as having meltdowns, but after reading this post and the replies, it’s clear I do get them. They used to manifest themselves with me taking myself off to my room and crying and hurting myself in sheer frustration, but now I do less of the crying. I still get extremely frustrated when things go wrong or people hurt me but maybe I’ve learnt the signs a bit better now and can recognise that I just need to take time out. I never felt better after a meltdown, just guilty and frustrated at not being understood. 

I can very much relate to a lot of that.

I'm a teacher and moved schools a few years ago after being at the same school for 9 years before that. The move was a promotion and a great opportunity, but ended up being a disaster. It was like you say about being trapped and not knowing what to do. I'd gone from knowing every student and staff member, my role, the schools procedures/paperwork, the building, and even the rhythm of the day, to suddenly not being able to predict *anything* in my day. I had more meltdowns in two years there than I've had in my entire life - right up until I snapped spectacularly and handed in my notice one morning.

What you said about knowing you need help but not being able to ask was a big part of it too. This was pre-diagnosis and I was an experienced teacher and running a department - how do I explain to people I've only just started working with that I can't do break duty in the hall because it's too busy and loud? I'd look like an idiot, so I keep quiet and have a meltdown a bit later

Lol. It's all Awareness. There is no geographical location whether you're sitting, living or standing on your head lol. There is no package to be had. No separation. 

The goal of Meditation is self-awareness. That is to say, to be in one's true natural state. That's all.

Mindfulness is a term used in the Western world to describe Meditation by mental health professionals, Yoga classes and so on. It's probably the worst possible translation ever as the goal of meditation is to empty the mind of thoughts.

you are describing "living Mindfulness" as opposed to sitting Mindful meditation. They both combine ( "Living" + "sitting" )  together to form the full mindfulness package

I can definitely relate to all you say. I had read from a specialist and other medical professionals that Autism is generally a result of inter- generational, early childhood trauma/stress, happening in conjunction with the early and most important brain development phase of roughly 0-5 or 0-7 yrs old. Your Amygdala reference above reinforces this. Reading about it is fascinating, insightful and illuminating. What an eye opener ! Thank you for sharing.

Yes, regarding emotions, anger is very subtle coming into our awareness but so fast to establish itself if not noticed quick enough. The same with thoughts. They can be so subtle and as you say, if you are not aware enough in the present moment, in a flash, you may find yourself in the old pattern of indulging in the imaginary arguments in your head that everyone has experienced at some point.

The problem is it all happens so fast, very often we don't even realise we are there until much later or at all until some level of awareness is established. So many times I couldn't get this or grasp what I was supposed to do. I would get frustrated and defeated sitting on the floor in a yoga pose, cross legged and hurting, getting numb in parts, sitting upright in a chair, lying down, breathing exercises etc etc. Then little by little, I found myself becoming more aware of these thoughts and emotions arising without doing any techniques at all.  Simply by being more calm, more focused in everyday tasks like reading or walking or at the shop. At the beginning I wasn't becoming aware of the emotion or thoughts until the damaging episode was over.  I had unconsciously indulged it and before I knew it, I was, as you describe, poking the open wounds or having imaginary dialogues in my head with people I didn't like or didn't like what they had said to me and so forth and so on. Gradually, I am beginning to see these emotions or thoughts coming, therefore on some occasions, I can simply look at them without reacting to or indulging them any further. Meltdown, overwhelm, pain, depression averted. Sigh. It is wonderful when this happens after a long, painful road.

As others have said, it really is nothing to do with thinking or the intellect. It's quite simply being in a calm state or at ease with yourself. Easier said than done I know only too well but I guess we all have to do whatever it takes to eliminate the barriers and the stresses one day at a time. Of course if you drink too much or whatever you do to escape then you're back to square one. I still have a way to go but I am thankful of these glimpses of hope I am being made aware of.  

I've read that the brain can be re-wired which is also encouraging.

Yes, it's interesting to see how different approaches overlap with certain concepts. For example, my therapist recommended The Autistic Brain as reading material when the possibility of an autism diagnosis came up (I'm not diagnosed but have been advised by 2 professionals to seek diagnosis). I read that autism is often associated with a more active amygdala, the part of the brain that governs emotion and instinctive responses. This suggests that the autistic person might experience emotional states more intensely than the neurotypical person. As someone who has experienced meltdowns since childhood, this is somewhat reassuring as there might be a neurophysiological explanation for what I'm going through, and why I sometimes find it difficult to shake off those bad feelings when they come around.

And then, as you say, there are habitual thought processes as well. I've noticed I have an uncanny ability to push myself further into an anger spiral - I'll notice something annoying or amiss that bothers me, but then I'll poke at it, like an open wound, in my own mind. I'll imagine arguing with a person responsible for the oversight, or some imaginary figure who is the cause of my abstract anger, and then gradually build myself into a pacing, stewing state of agitation over it. I used to do this a LOT, but as the years have gone by I've begun to notice the impetus of those thought spirals and I can cut it off at the knees, because I know it doesn't lead anywhere good!

I guess in some ways I am employing the Mindfulness techniques you describe. I've had mixed experienced with the practice over the years, from being briefly introduced to it (very poorly) by one clinician who told me it was about "going for a walk and noticing the things around you", then gradually learning more, and finally facilitating workshops on Mindfulness in my workplace. I do find our approach is more Mindfulness Based CBT, but I guess the benefit of blended approaches is that you can cherry-pick the bits that are the most useful to you. The element you talk about here - being aware of your emerging feelings and recognising patterns - has been particularly useful. I've noticed my ability to cope with less than ideal circumstances is much better than it was several years ago. There was a time when missing a train would lead to my feeling so terrible that I would write off the whole day, but now I do have the resources to bounce back and will frequently be back on an even keep after10 minutes, rather than 10 hours.

Rosie said:

I consider a meltdown to be any time when my emotions overwhelm my ability to behave thoughtfully and rationally and I revert into "child" mode. It doesn't always look the same from the outside, but inside I can "feel" myself losing my grip on my rational thought processes and tapping into raw emotion.

Absolutely. I'm sure many of us can relate to this. It feels like we have an emotional dictator inside us that renders us powerless when these emotions arise and take over our complete universe. Then this is when the meltdown, the shutdown, the confusion, the overwhelm, the anger, the wanting to escape etc etc occurs. The old emotion ( or old thought pattern for that matter ) has won again. Crucially, we need to recognise we have been here before. 

When I say ' old emotion ' or ' old thought pattern ' I mean that many of us do not realise these are the same habitual emotions or thoughts coming up time and time again. It is what Ekhart Tolle would describe as the ' Pain Body ' or what other spiritual or Mindfulness teachers refer to as ' Your Conditioning '. That is to say, our total lack of awareness as to what is actually happening to us each and every time we get overwhelmed by these horrible emotions. 

Because many of us are much more sensitive beings than others, our alarm bells are going haywire when these intense emotions come to the surface and our body and mind are screaming Danger Danger !!! For many of us we don't know what to hell is happening let alone what to do about. Some of us will go into ' meltdown ' , some will self-medicate through alcohol or drugs to be soothed, others will take prescribed drugs or want to run for the hills etc etc etc. 

Unchecked, this can lead to enormous pain & suffering long-term. For me, it has taken an age to even begin addressing these intense feelings because of the overwhelm and all the coping mechanisms I had accustomed my body with to deal with the stress of it all. In other words I tried to block it all out hoping it would go away.  Like trying to hold a beachball under the water. Sooner or later it will pop up again and again to be addressed. 

The good news is I have found a treatment that works. It is called Meditation. Or sometimes called Mindfulness, Self-Awareness practice or other names. It did not yield results for me overnight and I gave up many times before the benefits slowly began to kick in. Now I am slowly becoming aware of these emotions coming up and recognising the triggers of them. This recognition/awareness alone prevents the overwhelm manifesting eventually as you become aware that they are the same old emotions - reaction - patterns repeating themselves. For me it is a process of becoming more aware each day. You don't need to sit cross-legged or in a special pose at all for this. 

I consider a meltdown to be any time when my emotions overwhelm my ability to behave thoughtfully and rationally and I revert into "child" mode. It doesn't always look the same from the outside, but inside I can "feel" myself losing my grip on my rational thought processes and tapping into raw emotion.

Type 1: I get upset and shut down, or disassociate. I'll usually start to cry and go silent. The last time it happened was when I was having a bad day at work (my cat was sick, I couldn't focus, everything just felt overwhelming and impossible) and I just sort of wandered silently up to my manager with tears in my eyes so she would take me to one side and ask what was wrong, giving me "permission" to explain my upset. One time there happened to be a former psychiatric nurse in the vicinity who recognised what was happening and gave me a strong tea and some space to ground myself again. Once I'm thinking clearly, my rational brain will realise that I could have asked for help before it got that bad, but in the moment, rational brain checks out and emotional brain just goes "let's cry and hope someone rescues us!"

Type 2: this is rarer and more dramatic. It's usually triggered by anger, at the outside world or often at myself. The last time I had one was indeed in public. I had misinterpreted a social interaction and thought I'd managed to offend someone I admire hugely (he wasn't offended, he was just in a hurry) and I was FURIOUS with myself. I tried to get on with what I was doing but I felt this intense shame and rage at myself. Tears welled up and I knew I had to leave. I was able to hold it together for a few minutes to make it to my car, and then basically drove home (probably not safe!) while bawling my eyes out, screaming and swearing at myself for being so stupid, punching the steering wheel, etc. I was so drained afterwards I had to take the day off work. I spent 2 days lying on the sofa feeling utterly wrung out.

I feel you with your annoyance over queuing systems and printers! I've had so many unreliable printers over the years, I get a slight stab of anxiety at the mere prospect of having to print something because I seem to have only 50/50 success when I try to print something. I go into the task already anticipating a lengthy troubleshooting scenario and 10 minutes of frustration and then when I'm proven right, it doesn't take long until I really wound up!

When I start writing I don't when to stop... tho always reassuring when someone connects with what I've written ( - :

Oh I recognise so much of that, well done for writing the post, I hope you feel a bit better for getting it off your chest.

Raspberrypie,

I'm absolutely with you on printers, I've destroyed several. I feel that they have but one purpose, and when they stubbornly refuse to fullfill it I just flip. I give them a great deal of verbal, uttering dire threats -  yet they just nonchalantly sit there!  You just cant reason with the things.

Initially, after abandoning them at the recycle centre, I feel really good; however, I don't feel quite so good when I have to buy the replacement.

Other things often get me wound up, but not in quite the same way as these recalcitrant little you-know-whats.

I looked at the NAS definition and felt it didn't apply to me at all (although there may be some cognitive bias in there!) - I recognise some of the behaviours from when I was a kid, I always felt anxious, never felt emotionally secure at home, withdrew a lot and always felt exhausted after a school day - slept for hours on arriving home and then wide awake at night because everything was so much simpler (everyone was in bed, and there were no expectations of me). Then I just internalised everything.

I suppose now I define it as an over-emotional reaction to stressors -especially if expectations aren't met. There's a few office meetings I've almost departed in tears of frustration because what I expected in content didn't mirror the reality. So for my definition it is a reaction which is out of proportion to the perceived stressor. Sometimes I seem to manage a situation well enough at the time, and then when I've had space for my emotions to "catch up" (and it just has to be a little tiny space!) and a moment to reflect on the situation I react in a way that seems uncontrollable.

One of the ones I remember was standing in line for a meal at a cafe in a historic interest site. I'm diabetic and hadn't brought a snack with me. Basically the cafe was understaffed and there were too many customers and I remember getting more and more frustrated because they seemed to be moving so slowly. No getting ideas of orders in advance and I got to the front of the queue after 20 minutes only to be told by some kid (!) there was none of what I wanted left and they only had sandwiches. I kid you not, those sandwiches you wouldn't feed to children they were that small - barely any filling. I can't remember what I said and I located a pub but the state I was in was awful. When the pub meal was late too (made worse that there were only a handful of customers there so I couldn't get why it was taking so long) I almost flipped out completely and collapsed in tears. When the meal arrived, it's like I'd been handed the Holy Grail. 

So my last episode that I wrote down was a reaction to a works thing- which is probably more of an anxiety reaction but I'm sure is exacerbated by my AS.

-Anger and frustration to the immediate stressor. This is probably the bit most NT's think "that's normal" and it seems I can hide it pretty well from those who don't know me (a lot of my work is done over microsoft teams, and we don't always use camera's so there's a lot of my body language which doesn't get picked up on).

-A sense of shame/embarrassment of standing my ground then a sense of being overwhelmed by what I'm feeling

-A search for information - this is when a decision has been made which hasn't been fully explained. This tends to manifest in contacting other people and saying I'm frustrated/angry etc. I didn't realise it was information I was after until I thought about it.

-Start to repeatedly analyse the stressor. Again I'm looking for something and I don't know what. I start to lose grounding so the stressor becomes all important. Nothing works at this point, I can't distract myself or focus on anything. Paradoxically I can fall asleep at this point (usually waking up feeling sick and restless).

-Then the self-doubt comes. So I know I need help to resolve the situation, and feel bad because now I feel the conversation will be about how I feel and how I'm managing it - which isn't well. The sheer idea I need help is anathema to me and now I feel like I'd just be making trouble or I'm giving the impression I'm not coping. Then I feel vulnerable because I didn't have all the information to hand and realise I could be easily manipulated if others knew this was how I reacted.

TBH I've read ahead and there's another two pages of this stuff where emotionally I go into a spiral and I'm over-processing the incident to the point I'm wondering if the reaction signifies that actually I'm probably best not working because this reaction to the incident shows I'm not equipped to handle this kind of stuff - even though I know I can work!. The meaning of the incident is now so broad I'm catastrophizing but the worst part is that to me, in the midst do it, all this chaotic thinking makes sense. Emotionally I'm all over the place and I have no idea who I am, barely any idea of where I am, or how to handle myself. I need a story or information to make a meaning or I need to make a decision before I can settle. I can't just park it, not give a sh*t and let things work themselves out. 

In general, at work, I've ejected myself from online meetings pretty rapidly. Especially if they're large and I know I won't be missed. When it reaches a point I think it's irrelevant to me I can't just sit through it. It's probably a similar reason I avoid relationships or getting involved in debating emotive topics. I need to keep a distance between me and other things/people and if I'm in a situation where I feel trapped (read as: I don't know what to do, I don't feel I'm being allowed to do something)  if I can't eject myself straight away I'll get more and more anxious until something similar to the above happens.