have a melt down lately? and what counts as one...

I consider a meltdown to be any time when my emotions overwhelm my ability to behave thoughtfully and rationally and I revert into "child" mode. It doesn't always look the same from the outside, but inside I can "feel" myself losing my grip on my rational thought processes and tapping into raw emotion.

Type 1: I get upset and shut down, or disassociate. I'll usually start to cry and go silent. The last time it happened was when I was having a bad day at work (my cat was sick, I couldn't focus, everything just felt overwhelming and impossible) and I just sort of wandered silently up to my manager with tears in my eyes so she would take me to one side and ask what was wrong, giving me "permission" to explain my upset. One time there happened to be a former psychiatric nurse in the vicinity who recognised what was happening and gave me a strong tea and some space to ground myself again. Once I'm thinking clearly, my rational brain will realise that I could have asked for help before it got that bad, but in the moment, rational brain checks out and emotional brain just goes "let's cry and hope someone rescues us!"

Type 2: this is rarer and more dramatic. It's usually triggered by anger, at the outside world or often at myself. The last time I had one was indeed in public. I had misinterpreted a social interaction and thought I'd managed to offend someone I admire hugely (he wasn't offended, he was just in a hurry) and I was FURIOUS with myself. I tried to get on with what I was doing but I felt this intense shame and rage at myself. Tears welled up and I knew I had to leave. I was able to hold it together for a few minutes to make it to my car, and then basically drove home (probably not safe!) while bawling my eyes out, screaming and swearing at myself for being so stupid, punching the steering wheel, etc. I was so drained afterwards I had to take the day off work. I spent 2 days lying on the sofa feeling utterly wrung out.

I feel you with your annoyance over queuing systems and printers! I've had so many unreliable printers over the years, I get a slight stab of anxiety at the mere prospect of having to print something because I seem to have only 50/50 success when I try to print something. I go into the task already anticipating a lengthy troubleshooting scenario and 10 minutes of frustration and then when I'm proven right, it doesn't take long until I really wound up!

Rosie said:

I consider a meltdown to be any time when my emotions overwhelm my ability to behave thoughtfully and rationally and I revert into "child" mode. It doesn't always look the same from the outside, but inside I can "feel" myself losing my grip on my rational thought processes and tapping into raw emotion.

Absolutely. I'm sure many of us can relate to this. It feels like we have an emotional dictator inside us that renders us powerless when these emotions arise and take over our complete universe. Then this is when the meltdown, the shutdown, the confusion, the overwhelm, the anger, the wanting to escape etc etc occurs. The old emotion ( or old thought pattern for that matter ) has won again. Crucially, we need to recognise we have been here before. 

When I say ' old emotion ' or ' old thought pattern ' I mean that many of us do not realise these are the same habitual emotions or thoughts coming up time and time again. It is what Ekhart Tolle would describe as the ' Pain Body ' or what other spiritual or Mindfulness teachers refer to as ' Your Conditioning '. That is to say, our total lack of awareness as to what is actually happening to us each and every time we get overwhelmed by these horrible emotions. 

Because many of us are much more sensitive beings than others, our alarm bells are going haywire when these intense emotions come to the surface and our body and mind are screaming Danger Danger !!! For many of us we don't know what to hell is happening let alone what to do about. Some of us will go into ' meltdown ' , some will self-medicate through alcohol or drugs to be soothed, others will take prescribed drugs or want to run for the hills etc etc etc. 

Unchecked, this can lead to enormous pain & suffering long-term. For me, it has taken an age to even begin addressing these intense feelings because of the overwhelm and all the coping mechanisms I had accustomed my body with to deal with the stress of it all. In other words I tried to block it all out hoping it would go away.  Like trying to hold a beachball under the water. Sooner or later it will pop up again and again to be addressed. 

The good news is I have found a treatment that works. It is called Meditation. Or sometimes called Mindfulness, Self-Awareness practice or other names. It did not yield results for me overnight and I gave up many times before the benefits slowly began to kick in. Now I am slowly becoming aware of these emotions coming up and recognising the triggers of them. This recognition/awareness alone prevents the overwhelm manifesting eventually as you become aware that they are the same old emotions - reaction - patterns repeating themselves. For me it is a process of becoming more aware each day. You don't need to sit cross-legged or in a special pose at all for this. 

Yes, it's interesting to see how different approaches overlap with certain concepts. For example, my therapist recommended The Autistic Brain as reading material when the possibility of an autism diagnosis came up (I'm not diagnosed but have been advised by 2 professionals to seek diagnosis). I read that autism is often associated with a more active amygdala, the part of the brain that governs emotion and instinctive responses. This suggests that the autistic person might experience emotional states more intensely than the neurotypical person. As someone who has experienced meltdowns since childhood, this is somewhat reassuring as there might be a neurophysiological explanation for what I'm going through, and why I sometimes find it difficult to shake off those bad feelings when they come around.

And then, as you say, there are habitual thought processes as well. I've noticed I have an uncanny ability to push myself further into an anger spiral - I'll notice something annoying or amiss that bothers me, but then I'll poke at it, like an open wound, in my own mind. I'll imagine arguing with a person responsible for the oversight, or some imaginary figure who is the cause of my abstract anger, and then gradually build myself into a pacing, stewing state of agitation over it. I used to do this a LOT, but as the years have gone by I've begun to notice the impetus of those thought spirals and I can cut it off at the knees, because I know it doesn't lead anywhere good!

I guess in some ways I am employing the Mindfulness techniques you describe. I've had mixed experienced with the practice over the years, from being briefly introduced to it (very poorly) by one clinician who told me it was about "going for a walk and noticing the things around you", then gradually learning more, and finally facilitating workshops on Mindfulness in my workplace. I do find our approach is more Mindfulness Based CBT, but I guess the benefit of blended approaches is that you can cherry-pick the bits that are the most useful to you. The element you talk about here - being aware of your emerging feelings and recognising patterns - has been particularly useful. I've noticed my ability to cope with less than ideal circumstances is much better than it was several years ago. There was a time when missing a train would lead to my feeling so terrible that I would write off the whole day, but now I do have the resources to bounce back and will frequently be back on an even keep after10 minutes, rather than 10 hours.

its good you are applying "living" Mindfulness so well and I am glad it is changing u're thinking.   

I can definitely relate to all you say. I had read from a specialist and other medical professionals that Autism is generally a result of inter- generational, early childhood trauma/stress, happening in conjunction with the early and most important brain development phase of roughly 0-5 or 0-7 yrs old. Your Amygdala reference above reinforces this. Reading about it is fascinating, insightful and illuminating. What an eye opener ! Thank you for sharing.

Yes, regarding emotions, anger is very subtle coming into our awareness but so fast to establish itself if not noticed quick enough. The same with thoughts. They can be so subtle and as you say, if you are not aware enough in the present moment, in a flash, you may find yourself in the old pattern of indulging in the imaginary arguments in your head that everyone has experienced at some point.

The problem is it all happens so fast, very often we don't even realise we are there until much later or at all until some level of awareness is established. So many times I couldn't get this or grasp what I was supposed to do. I would get frustrated and defeated sitting on the floor in a yoga pose, cross legged and hurting, getting numb in parts, sitting upright in a chair, lying down, breathing exercises etc etc. Then little by little, I found myself becoming more aware of these thoughts and emotions arising without doing any techniques at all.  Simply by being more calm, more focused in everyday tasks like reading or walking or at the shop. At the beginning I wasn't becoming aware of the emotion or thoughts until the damaging episode was over.  I had unconsciously indulged it and before I knew it, I was, as you describe, poking the open wounds or having imaginary dialogues in my head with people I didn't like or didn't like what they had said to me and so forth and so on. Gradually, I am beginning to see these emotions or thoughts coming, therefore on some occasions, I can simply look at them without reacting to or indulging them any further. Meltdown, overwhelm, pain, depression averted. Sigh. It is wonderful when this happens after a long, painful road.

As others have said, it really is nothing to do with thinking or the intellect. It's quite simply being in a calm state or at ease with yourself. Easier said than done I know only too well but I guess we all have to do whatever it takes to eliminate the barriers and the stresses one day at a time. Of course if you drink too much or whatever you do to escape then you're back to square one. I still have a way to go but I am thankful of these glimpses of hope I am being made aware of.  

I've read that the brain can be re-wired which is also encouraging.

I can definitely relate to all you say. I had read from a specialist and other medical professionals that Autism is generally a result of inter- generational, early childhood trauma/stress, happening in conjunction with the early and most important brain development phase of roughly 0-5 or 0-7 yrs old. Your Amygdala reference above reinforces this. Reading about it is fascinating, insightful and illuminating. What an eye opener ! Thank you for sharing.

Yes, regarding emotions, anger is very subtle coming into our awareness but so fast to establish itself if not noticed quick enough. The same with thoughts. They can be so subtle and as you say, if you are not aware enough in the present moment, in a flash, you may find yourself in the old pattern of indulging in the imaginary arguments in your head that everyone has experienced at some point.

The problem is it all happens so fast, very often we don't even realise we are there until much later or at all until some level of awareness is established. So many times I couldn't get this or grasp what I was supposed to do. I would get frustrated and defeated sitting on the floor in a yoga pose, cross legged and hurting, getting numb in parts, sitting upright in a chair, lying down, breathing exercises etc etc. Then little by little, I found myself becoming more aware of these thoughts and emotions arising without doing any techniques at all.  Simply by being more calm, more focused in everyday tasks like reading or walking or at the shop. At the beginning I wasn't becoming aware of the emotion or thoughts until the damaging episode was over.  I had unconsciously indulged it and before I knew it, I was, as you describe, poking the open wounds or having imaginary dialogues in my head with people I didn't like or didn't like what they had said to me and so forth and so on. Gradually, I am beginning to see these emotions or thoughts coming, therefore on some occasions, I can simply look at them without reacting to or indulging them any further. Meltdown, overwhelm, pain, depression averted. Sigh. It is wonderful when this happens after a long, painful road.

As others have said, it really is nothing to do with thinking or the intellect. It's quite simply being in a calm state or at ease with yourself. Easier said than done I know only too well but I guess we all have to do whatever it takes to eliminate the barriers and the stresses one day at a time. Of course if you drink too much or whatever you do to escape then you're back to square one. I still have a way to go but I am thankful of these glimpses of hope I am being made aware of.  

I've read that the brain can be re-wired which is also encouraging.