have a melt down lately? and what counts as one...

I looked at the NAS definition and felt it didn't apply to me at all (although there may be some cognitive bias in there!) - I recognise some of the behaviours from when I was a kid, I always felt anxious, never felt emotionally secure at home, withdrew a lot and always felt exhausted after a school day - slept for hours on arriving home and then wide awake at night because everything was so much simpler (everyone was in bed, and there were no expectations of me). Then I just internalised everything.

I suppose now I define it as an over-emotional reaction to stressors -especially if expectations aren't met. There's a few office meetings I've almost departed in tears of frustration because what I expected in content didn't mirror the reality. So for my definition it is a reaction which is out of proportion to the perceived stressor. Sometimes I seem to manage a situation well enough at the time, and then when I've had space for my emotions to "catch up" (and it just has to be a little tiny space!) and a moment to reflect on the situation I react in a way that seems uncontrollable.

One of the ones I remember was standing in line for a meal at a cafe in a historic interest site. I'm diabetic and hadn't brought a snack with me. Basically the cafe was understaffed and there were too many customers and I remember getting more and more frustrated because they seemed to be moving so slowly. No getting ideas of orders in advance and I got to the front of the queue after 20 minutes only to be told by some kid (!) there was none of what I wanted left and they only had sandwiches. I kid you not, those sandwiches you wouldn't feed to children they were that small - barely any filling. I can't remember what I said and I located a pub but the state I was in was awful. When the pub meal was late too (made worse that there were only a handful of customers there so I couldn't get why it was taking so long) I almost flipped out completely and collapsed in tears. When the meal arrived, it's like I'd been handed the Holy Grail. 

So my last episode that I wrote down was a reaction to a works thing- which is probably more of an anxiety reaction but I'm sure is exacerbated by my AS.

-Anger and frustration to the immediate stressor. This is probably the bit most NT's think "that's normal" and it seems I can hide it pretty well from those who don't know me (a lot of my work is done over microsoft teams, and we don't always use camera's so there's a lot of my body language which doesn't get picked up on).

-A sense of shame/embarrassment of standing my ground then a sense of being overwhelmed by what I'm feeling

-A search for information - this is when a decision has been made which hasn't been fully explained. This tends to manifest in contacting other people and saying I'm frustrated/angry etc. I didn't realise it was information I was after until I thought about it.

-Start to repeatedly analyse the stressor. Again I'm looking for something and I don't know what. I start to lose grounding so the stressor becomes all important. Nothing works at this point, I can't distract myself or focus on anything. Paradoxically I can fall asleep at this point (usually waking up feeling sick and restless).

-Then the self-doubt comes. So I know I need help to resolve the situation, and feel bad because now I feel the conversation will be about how I feel and how I'm managing it - which isn't well. The sheer idea I need help is anathema to me and now I feel like I'd just be making trouble or I'm giving the impression I'm not coping. Then I feel vulnerable because I didn't have all the information to hand and realise I could be easily manipulated if others knew this was how I reacted.

TBH I've read ahead and there's another two pages of this stuff where emotionally I go into a spiral and I'm over-processing the incident to the point I'm wondering if the reaction signifies that actually I'm probably best not working because this reaction to the incident shows I'm not equipped to handle this kind of stuff - even though I know I can work!. The meaning of the incident is now so broad I'm catastrophizing but the worst part is that to me, in the midst do it, all this chaotic thinking makes sense. Emotionally I'm all over the place and I have no idea who I am, barely any idea of where I am, or how to handle myself. I need a story or information to make a meaning or I need to make a decision before I can settle. I can't just park it, not give a sh*t and let things work themselves out. 

In general, at work, I've ejected myself from online meetings pretty rapidly. Especially if they're large and I know I won't be missed. When it reaches a point I think it's irrelevant to me I can't just sit through it. It's probably a similar reason I avoid relationships or getting involved in debating emotive topics. I need to keep a distance between me and other things/people and if I'm in a situation where I feel trapped (read as: I don't know what to do, I don't feel I'm being allowed to do something)  if I can't eject myself straight away I'll get more and more anxious until something similar to the above happens.

I can very much relate to a lot of that.

I'm a teacher and moved schools a few years ago after being at the same school for 9 years before that. The move was a promotion and a great opportunity, but ended up being a disaster. It was like you say about being trapped and not knowing what to do. I'd gone from knowing every student and staff member, my role, the schools procedures/paperwork, the building, and even the rhythm of the day, to suddenly not being able to predict *anything* in my day. I had more meltdowns in two years there than I've had in my entire life - right up until I snapped spectacularly and handed in my notice one morning.

What you said about knowing you need help but not being able to ask was a big part of it too. This was pre-diagnosis and I was an experienced teacher and running a department - how do I explain to people I've only just started working with that I can't do break duty in the hall because it's too busy and loud? I'd look like an idiot, so I keep quiet and have a meltdown a bit later

I had a promotion that collapsed for a very similar reason. The structure simply wasn't there - and there was no manual to guide me as to what to do or needed to know and I didn't understand a lot was down to building relationships with other people (I figured this one out when people came in from "outside" and got to work networking, they instinctively seemed to know how to operate). I hated trying to piece things together, I needed stuff explained so I knew what what I needed to do. I also had high expectations of myself, and without the info I needed I felt like I was letting myself down (I know!)

I tried to hang in there, that's what most people say ("It''ll get better" - even my new boss tried to persuade me to stay), but once I started pouring myself a glass of wine in the evening to "switch off" so I could sleep I knew I was in trouble. Even after I stepped down I had problems. After asking around I realised my experience was common to a lot of people newly promoted and that set off the thoughts as to why I had found it so difficult to cope. I knew something just wasn't right. 

I'll miss the money.... ....but sacrificing my health an that altar wasn't worth it. And besides, it was the resignation that started my journey towards assessment.  

Ah, wow. That sounds familiar! I actually just started another thread on this. I sometimes think if it had been an internal promotion I might have been able to handle it better, but moving and not knowing anyone meant I just tried to battle through and keep it bottled up.

I guess my main issue now is I feel like I'm not good enough at my job any more. In the past I've always had some level of control over topics and groups I teach, so have tailored it to my particular talents. Now I'm at a worse school and am given worse groups, teaching other people lessons. 

I know a lot of people have found the lockdowns hard, but honestly, I've loved almost everything about them

Ah, wow. That sounds familiar! I actually just started another thread on this. I sometimes think if it had been an internal promotion I might have been able to handle it better, but moving and not knowing anyone meant I just tried to battle through and keep it bottled up.

I guess my main issue now is I feel like I'm not good enough at my job any more. In the past I've always had some level of control over topics and groups I teach, so have tailored it to my particular talents. Now I'm at a worse school and am given worse groups, teaching other people lessons. 

I know a lot of people have found the lockdowns hard, but honestly, I've loved almost everything about them