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People relativising AS and telling you that you seem 'normal' to them ?.

NAS71151

Hello,

I hate it with a passion when people say to me, often randomly, 'I don't think anyone would have thought that you struggle with asperger's, you seem so normal', and then they say that they themselves struggled to fit in at school for some reason and does that mean they therefore have aspergers? It is like they are questioning the diagnosis by implying I cannot possibly have AS because I am so chatty and extrovert!. They do not realise how their comments make me feel sick inside, the anguish and stess the comments make me feel, particularly when the comments come from people who should know better. My regular support worker understands me and would never relativise my AS, but a support worker who has only recently started working with Autistic adults and who does not have much experience in this field, recently came out with these comments and left me feeling hurt and upset, although in other respects I get on with him. I feel like I am a fake, that my identity is being questioned, and it makes me feel unhappy, like I will be a perpetual outsider, not fitting in anywhere. I don't wish to be defined by asperger's, but it is nevertheless such a big part of my identity and I am so proud of my achievements and successes with regard to fighting back against my anxiety and the negative side of my AS and how my experiences have shaped me as a person. I always feel like I have to justify myself and it makes me feel so tense and upset. Anyway, I felt like replying, what am I supposed to look like as a person with AS? Am I supposed to hardly talk, to be rude and non-compliant or highly distracted?.

Has anyone else with high-fuunctioning AS experienced similar issues? I do feel so unhappy at the moment, but maybe I am being too analytical and taking things too far.

thanks

jackyjoy

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  • Two things that drive me crazy are when I recognize the fact that my thought process and/or behavior is unusual and someone tells me that it's not and that I'm just being too hard on myself. For one thing, it makes me feel like I'm being talked down to and that I just don't have a clue about my own thoughts, and secondly, they're implying that I'm in the wrong for being different since I'm supposedly "being too hard on myself."

    The other thing is when someone who has no clue what's going through my head tells me they understand. It probably shouldn't bother me like it does, but it absolutely drives me nuts. I have struggles, and trying to pretend like it's something everybody deals with isn't helpful. They're not in my shoes any more than I'm in theirs and know what's going on in their head.

  • in reply to professorwhat

    Going through a similar thing. In my experience there is benevolent intent - they're trying to empathize and connect - although they're coming from a different place than we are which causes this kind of misunderstanding and friction. I'm realising that I've got to work to frame the message in the right way for NT's to understand - and that will depend on the individual - and in some cases it will take time for them to move closer to that understanding.  

  • in reply to Ethan

    I agree, and that's why I acknowledge that I probably shouldn't take it the way I do. It does frustrate me, however, when people I'm close enough to to explain my feelings continue to do it after I explain it. Again, I know it's still an attempt to empathize, but it's frustrating, and it leave me not having a clue how to respond or react.

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  • in reply to Ethan

    I agree, and that's why I acknowledge that I probably shouldn't take it the way I do. It does frustrate me, however, when people I'm close enough to to explain my feelings continue to do it after I explain it. Again, I know it's still an attempt to empathize, but it's frustrating, and it leave me not having a clue how to respond or react.

Children
  • in reply to professorwhat

    I think the only way to manage it, and I'm still figuring this out, is to graciously accept that's where they are and give them time to get there (which they might not do). It's why I spend so much time on here - because there's experiences that I instantly relate to that diffuses a lot of my anguish about things I'm going through.

    I know from painful experience if I share some experiences with other people (read: NT's) outside of here they'll be struggling to get it - or they'll respond in a way which I feel has missed the point I'm trying to make. I'm starting to accept, there's some things that people who know me well, will never "get" about me.

    I agree, sometimes it feels we've been dealt a rubbish hand. I get a bit philosophical about these things in my quiet time - whereas in the moment, dealing with another misunderstanding by the same person when I think I've explained things clearly and logically, it's a different story.  

    Just thinking about it, I remember when I was stuck living at home on after a severe MH health episode. I was  trying to get back on my feet with my mind fragile as it was  and I was repeatedly "needled" every day by a family member. I couldn't do anything without hearing a comment or be given an opportunity to.think anything through. If I did respond in a way they didn't like they closed down and it was "my problem". Once after I pushed back the response was (with more than a sliver of mockery) "Keep taking the pills". 

    I packed my bags and left. It was never  acknowledged why I left, even though I told them, and history was just slowly rewritten. That relationship never did heal.

    Why is it such hard work? Perhaps it's a habit of second guessing? (Can anyone help me out here?). People hear "X" with their ears, but by the time it's filtered through their brain and worldview, and if we're giving out non-typical messages with our body language, they've decided what you really meant was "Y".