Dating someone on the spectrum when I’m not?

Hello,

Recently I met a guy who I think is on the spectrum, his friend mentioned it but the topic was changed and I don’t want to ask him outright, but I think he is. Is it okay for someone who isn’t on the spectrum to date someone who is? How will the relationship be different to dating someone who isn’t on the spectrum and is there anything I should keep in mind? He asked me out to dinner and he’s so sweet, my friends think “he’s weird” and are telling me to back away but he is gorgeous and we’ve been talking for a few days, I’m really enjoying it. I guess I’d like to hear from someone on the spectrum and what their opinion is? I don’t want it to seem that I’m taking advantage of him. 

I really appreciate any replies so thank you so much in advance :) 

  • Of course it is OK! ASD or not, we're still the same species. (I am female aged 20 with suspected ASD and I have dated ASD and non-ASD guys.)

    You might need to be a bit more patient with him because sometimes it is overwhelming if things move too fast. He might suddenly cut off communication for a few days if he needs to 'come up for air' but that doesn't necessarily mean it's going badly or anything. It's just because new relationships take a lot of concentration. 

    And bear in mind that miscommunication can happen very easily. But it will be fine if you communicate clearly, ie don't assume he has picked up subtle hints. Ask directly rather than reading into it if he's acting unusual and you think something's wrong.

    Good luck, msg me if you want to ask anything :) 

  • Hi, firstly, I am happy for you for having found someone like that who makes you feel good and can talk to.

    I think as long as you know what his character traits are and why he would act a certain way, and accept him as he is, I don't really see a problem why you should not go out and get to know each other.

    Wishing you all the best!

  • Just try it! Love is alwYs a risk. Aspies can be very loyal, caring and loving. If you're worrying about taking advantage of him then clearly you're not!

    He'll be different, but don't pathologise it. I guess whatever you've learnt about the psychology of people isn't going to work, our psychology is different. It can look the same, like when we withdraw, but the reasons can be very different, like withdrawing cos we're overwhelmed by positive emotions that we can't handle cos they're so full on.

    Trust you're instinct, if you find yoyrself behaving differently than you would with other guys then trust that subconsciously you're doing the right thing. Just go for it, give it a whirl.

  • It all depends on how *you* view autism - as a disability or a different way of thinking.     I'm an aspie bloke, married to an NT for over 30 years.

    He will likely be practical, logical and constant.    

    Are his parents together?    If yes, then he'll see the natural model of the world is pair-bonding.

    He will likely get very stressed dealing with NTs so you'll see a pattern of his coping abilities reducing during the day as he gets overloaded dealing with the lies and BS of NT interactions - we can be fritzy in the evenings while we sort our brains out.

    He'll likely be very stressed in social situations - you will come under pressure to dump him from your friends because we like to speak about real things and your friends will be twittering about the weather or relationships or trying to out-do each other - it's not a game we play well.

    Whatever you want from him, let him know calmly and clearly - anything you hint at or think he'll just magically figure out won't happen.      If you like flowers, show him which ones you like.      Just be open, honest and constant with him.

    Be aware - our 'love' is like a see-saw - we need to feel it's fair - that we get the same as we put in or we'll get the feeling of being short-changed - that makes us malfunction - equally, you need to look after yourself and your needs - don't become his mother.

    He will probably have loads of hobbies and things he likes to do - if you join in with his world it's like having a perpetual childhood - everything can be fun - there's no need to become old farts.  (we still do Disney parks, have lots of toys and enjoy things that 'grown ups' look down on - while they're missing out on all the fun).  Smiley