Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve been in two long term relationships (one in my mid teens, the other in my late teens) with two different guys. I have also had a couple other people I’ve had dates with and gave dating a go but didn’t happen after a few months. I’m still on speaking terms with my recent ex but that’s mainly out of fear. The truth is, I’ve become close with someone new. He’s perfect for me. We have more in common with each other (both of us are autistic), his family are a lot nicer and more supportive and we’ve supported each other during the lockdown by calling and texting everyday. My ex doesn’t know about the new guy since he remarked that one of his work colleagues was a bit of a s**t for going out with someone new just after she had broken up with someone else. He also likes to make remarks that are quite erotic and jokes about my intimate body parts a lot even though I’ve told him to stop.
I don’t want to reveal publicly things that have happened to me but they’ve been really traumatic in my past and still affect me now. Therapy for mental health issues hasn’t helped and there’s no one I can really turn to about it. Do I deserve to date someone or shall I let the new person down and never date again?
You deserve to be happy. I've had a couple of abusive relationships and now I'm married to an amazing autistic man, though of course I still have the emotional scars.
It's good that you recognise emotional abuse and fear. Please consider giving the National Domestic Abuse Helpline a call on 0808 2000 247 or use their email / webchat etc. I've spoken to them a couple of times and had positive experiences.
Take very good care of yourself x
Do tell the new guy what's going on and why you're deciding to reduce contact. He will be confused and upset, so if he knows your reasoning it will make it easier for him. Your ex will at some point find someone else, move on and lose interest, and then you'll have an opportunity to be free with this new guy if he's still available..
You're doing nothing wrong, and you deserve to be happy, and you should be able to have and enjoy this new relationship, but if it's too hard right now then you know what's best.
Hi everyone,
So an update on this post. Sadly I will be limiting my contact with the new guy as my ex has been saying anxiety-inducing things to me through texts and video calls indicating that if he found out that I was chatting or seeing another guy, then he would basically make my life hell.
Maybe I’m truly being paranoid since I’ve watched a lot of true crime shows, yet I haven’t shown the full story online about my experiences. I know that my relationship with my now ex was emotionally abusive, not physically yet after this pandemic situation, I don’t want to put myself or the new guy in danger. So I’m forcing myself to do the wrong time and not speak to new guy. I seriously don’t deserve to be happy because I’m being made to feel like total s**t even though I really don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
Agree with this 100% - you deserve to be happy, regardless of your previous relationship experiences <3
Yes, you definitely deserve to be happy with someone.
The thing with some of us who have been through hurtful/abusive relationships and are reticent to go through the same:
1 maybe similar things will happen and it'll be hurtful/difficult for both parties -but relationships do help us to learn things from each other, so even if this happens, it is a chance for you and them to learn something new.
2 There may be someone who really needs someone just like you. If you were to not give things a go, then maybe that person out there may go lonely or unfulfilled without you.
That's the sort of thinking I try to remind myself when I get a bit down on myself in a similar regard.
Wonderful, go for it! You'd be letting him and more importantly yourself down if you don't. Sounds lovely.
It's none of your ex's business, he's your ex! You've moved on and deserve to be happy and if he says anything ignore him because he needs to get a life and move on too.
Obviously if it goes beyond him just saying things then follow Aidie's advice and involve the police. No one needs a creepy stalker ex in their life.
go for it - life is short
do exactly want u want and if your ex does anything call the police. I assuming u have PTSD from previous events. stay away from your ex hes toxic. Actually, start recording what he says to u and when so u have solid stuff for the police if anything happens. Store his texts if they are rude or threatening and show them to the police.
But get away from him. dont text him, dont reply to his texts, dont talk to him.
go dates with mr new in places away from your area
You deserve to be happy - I could write more but this key point would be a lost.