Published on 12, July, 2020
I have always struggled in the work place.
I have worked for my current employer for two years. This is a true record for me. Usually I can hold a post for six month to a year, maximum.
My experiences in work places has been nothing short of traumatic. I deeply struggle.
I do better at reading people now in my 40's than I did in my first 30 years. My current employer isn't a terrible one. I think they are actually really good and I often tell them that I love my job and that they are the best employer I have ever had.
However, I am really struggling. I find that the deeper into a workplace I go, the more I feel out of depth. The waters seem to get muddier and I feel like I'm wading into a thick fog.
I work hard and I try my best to do things right but I always feel like disaster is just on the horizon. I will miss regular social cues and I can easily miss impending doom. However, I am also super sensitive and can at times feel when something is wrong even if every one does the usual NT thing of telling me everything is fine.
I can't do the right dance if no one will tell me what tune is playing. I am always worried that I am missing something.
A colleague recently told me that all the managers are good with me but that I need to watch my back when it comes to the big boss. This was definitely specifically about me. he wouldn't tell me anything else.
Now I feel like it's all going to fall apart and that I have no understanding or control over it. I can't tell anyone because this person shouldn't have told me this and that kind of complicated he said, she said never end well for us.
I'm devastated. I love my job. I felt valued and empowered and was so proud to be part of the team. Now I feel like it was a stupid fantasy and that I am probably not really of any value and am being watched and even plotted against.
I don't think I could face another job. I want to work but I just can't handle all the trauma that comes with it. My world feels like it's falling apart and I want so badly to withdraw and hide from this. I don't know how I am going to manage in work today. I feel like whatever I do, it will just make things worse.
I didn't know where else to go with this. It's hard to find people who understand me.
I have to go into work now and for the first time since starting there, I just don't want to go in.
After having a good read through, I can see a few things:
Someone has told you to watch your back. This is always taken as you are under threat. Not any old threat either... it’s the big boss man! This is always going bring about these types of feelings. Because they haven’t really explained anything further this has then left you in a state of uncertainty which is terrible for autistic people. Plus, there is also that feeling of potential change which you don’t know anything about also plays into things further.
Yes, exactly this! It was horrid.
I actually quite admire the big boss man and was quite crushed that to think he was targeting me covertly.
I do really struggle with uncertainty. I can work with something if it is clear but I can not navigate a murky swamp with a dim pocket torch. The rug was really pulled from under my feet.
Thank you so much for your words. They really helped.