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Why i cant look at the positives in life anymore of achievements to make

Ellie b

Where do i begin in nursery teacher asked my mum and dad if i knew how to talk i did at home coz was in safe comfortable environment then in primary school i stood still in the play ground had no friends didnt know how to interact with people literally froze felt lost group of girls started picking on me i couldnt defend myself ran away they chased me was terrified i did tell the teachers but the girls put an act on of being nice infront of them to me then other girls id try to talk to but werent interested. Middle school things got worse i was still being bullied i couldnt understand why i couldnt stick up for myself got called a cry baby for being upset all the time wanting my mum teachers werent understanding humilated me infront the whole class i wrote down a whole page thinking what miss ives meant she was fuming ripped up page after page expecting me to do it till i understood it i just wanted to be at home. Then high school was the worst got physically bullied tripped over on purpose coz of being clumsy laughed at made rude songs with my name in spat tic tacs in my hair put chewing gum in my hair pushed me over i just couldnt stick up for myself. People pretebd to be my friend go round a girls house so excited someone giving me attention bk how wrong i was took me hostage in her bedroom put horror films on to make me have meltdowns the same girl accused me of abusing her another girl i thought was my friend stuck up for her coz she had bruises on her arm the headteacher believed i did it till my mum dragged me in with the girls mum and the so called viçtim daughter she admitted she done to herself. I never had full lessons i had counselling for my mental health coz was suicidal not wanting to be at school i got called anorexic for not eating my lumch i didnt like people watching me still not knowing was on the spectrum. I knew i didnt feel like i belonged in this world as for teachers all they cared about was bollocking me for missing mock exams i got told ignore the bullies bullying continued. I started to join a club up the wreck the bully was there and brought along a horror chucky doll she said it moves like its real and going to come after me well got in a massive meltdown hyperventilating panic attack she found it funny. EVERYONE WAS HUMILATING ME EVEN THE TEACHERS. College i started first year of Nvq Level 1 in beauty and massage at city college was uncomfortable girls were all bitchy when having treatments done the amount of foldees were to pressurizing for me and when i found out not long after being diagnosed with aspergers the proffesionals said that was the worst course i should of avoided. I eventually went bk to city college did Btec level 1 art that was a positive year then coz i achieved level 1 went onto level 2 to achieve to become an proffesional artist my tutor humilated me coz i didnt want to answer questions and show me up infront the class didnt understand me and i misunderstood her instruction alot was that terrified i couldnt ask for help. Tried to make friends but struggled with conversations repeating myself got bulllied emotionally by people i thought was my friends ended up hiding a bottle of alcohol coz couldnt cope to sip to get through the afternoon. I pushed myself to achieve coz wanted to be an artist so much then when it came to deciding about level 3 it mentioned travelling to places well instantly it put me off coz i cant be away fŕom my family i cant cope with travel one my barriers of aspergers. I went and done 6 month in a bead shop sparkle and flare got mistreated there by the owner of the shop explained i do things at my own pace cant do several tasks at once that is exactly what she did complained coz i was to slow to finish the first task then moaned at coz expected me to b finished when i pacifically told her and a lady from mencap also told her not to make me do things im not comfortable with to cause me to have a meltdown. Same happened volunteering the boss told me to do a task one way i got criticized for not doing it a different way in the end to much pressure had pip tribunal aswell to tackle so i quit.

  • in reply to Robert124

    see,  i told u they are humiliating. 

    Unemployed people looking for work should not be treated so badly. If they have qualifications and / or experience which indicates the test is not needed then the tax payer should not be charged for administering useless testing. 

    but i am not in charge 

    how did that test help him find work ?

  • in reply to aidie

    There was one incident at the training centre I attended last year, where the staff were discussing a newcomer who came for an assessment and took their computer based maths test.  He got full marks on the first half of the test.  Zero marks on rest of the test, then he stormed out of the building.

    I'm guessing that he thought the test was insulting and below him.

    But then he has to face music and the people who sent him there in the first place.

  • in reply to Robert124

    yes i agree do the stupid thing ----- yes i was also  dealing with all sorts people straight out of prison, people with no schooling at all,  dyslexic people etc etc ,  and people with normal levels of num. & literacy

  • in reply to aidie

    A bit of advice for all here.

    If you are asked to take a basic literacy and numeracy test by one of the agencies connected with DWP.  Just take the tests.  If you don't it could cause problems and possible benefit sanctions.

  • in reply to aidie

    Many of these schemes are financed by either national governments, local governments or the European social fund.  One of the conditions of funding is that the clients have to take literacy and numeracy tests.

    Some of these tests are a common sense requirement.  For example, I was referred by an employment advisor to do a two week business administration course. The training centre asked me to take a computer based English test.  The purpose of that test was to determine if my standard of English was good enough to understand the course.

    Later I discovered that many of their clients struggled with  basic literacy and numeracy and couldn't read standard English.

    The training centre also taught maths and English courses for those who struggled with these tests.

  •  you have a load of mental health issues  and in the ideal world wound need some support.

    1. training on how to deal with bosses and criticism ( NTs suffer from this as well )

    2. long term on going counselling/psycotherapy for OCD, the psychosis u have mentioned and PTSD 

    3. training on anxiety reduction eg relaxation training   --possibly medication for a while but the person prescribing must know about 2.

    4. stop drinking alcohol entirely 

    5. get sheltered type employment with view to moving on 

    the aim would be to rebuild your self esteem  and pull u away from anxiety,depression,suicidal thinking

    Autism is related to all of above 

    correct me here if i am wrong  Ellie b

  • in reply to Cookiesmum1986

    Girls are nasty ! blimey thats extreme

  • Girls are nasty, they mature as adults but school age girls are almost feral.

    I had a similar school story to yours, I never had friends on the playground but made one friend in primary 4 who was nice to me. That was fine until we were older and she discovered drinking and boys, then I was made fun of for not having a boyfriend, never kissing anyone and things like that. 


    I'm not a crier so I wasn't a "good" victim, I basically never cared. I had a few guy friends and then more who tolerated my presence. I made one other female friend and I still speak to her regularly even though she's moved away. The bullies moved on to someone who gave them better reactions thankfully. 

    I was so trapped in the not having a boyfriend thing I managed to end up in a really dangerous situation. When I left school and went to college I had no friends on my course. Then at uni I made friends with a guy from halls because the girls didn't like me, it's like they knew from the off that I was different.

    It's still happening, at work I can talk to people but it never goes beyond work chat where other people are friends outside of work. 

    I am married and my husband has friends but I go to groups (lessons, study sessions) and hang on the outskirts. 

    It does get better. The best thing I ever did was assertiveness training, it kind of toughens you up a bit and helps with not being taken advantage of by people who pick up that you're a bit different and want to pick on you. I also did autism friendly CBT and make a point of keeping that up, it helps with the anxiety that's always kind of grumbling about in the background. I got my therapist through anxiety UK who are a charity and do reduced rates of therapy for people on low incomes. 

    I also read a lot. About autism, behaviour, neurotypical expectations and I mask like an actor when I'm at work which definitely helps a lot. Building a good mask is critical for women I think but you also can't mask in relationships or else you end up making each other stressed and miserable. 

    I know it's hard but you need to look forward and concentrate on things that will make you happy. You can't do anything about what happened at school so you need to develop a strategy for dealing with the trauma and then putting it away so that you can make space in your head for better things that are happening in the present.

  • in reply to Robert124

    as part of  a graduate employment scheme, I once had to administer a literacy test  on a full blown professional journalist just recently made redundant, otherwise she wouldn't be paid. It was so humiliating for both of us.

    in the same organisation we had loads of teenagers in training schemes. Some wanted to work in shops so i took them for a walk around retail shops and helped them ask for jobs. Some got real job offers. The shops and teenagers where over the moon with their first ever jobs.

    However the employment scheme management where furious because they where would be losing government money ( per teenager ) to keep the teenagers on their scheme. 

    I left that organisation as quick as i could.

  • in reply to Robert124

    The job centre made me have a full aggresive meltdown with mum by my side it wasnt till i discovered off someone i knew can get esa for hidden disability but the job centre didnt even mention it i had interview i couldnt give eye contact my traits shew how different i was soon as u mention u cant do things at there pace instantly judge and reject u x

  • I will give you an example of an incident from my life of how bad and ridiculous things can get.

    Twenty years ago I was applying for retail jobs, I had had a few unsuccessful interviews.  So the job centre sent me on a two week job training scheme, making it clear that this was mandatory and if I didn't go, or not complete the scheme for ANY reason, them my benefits would be affected or stopped completely.

    Half way through this course I was asked into the centre managers office and he asked me to leave.

    I asked for a reason why I was being thrown out. I turned up on time everyday, I did all the tasks, I didn't create any trouble, so why?

    He replied that he couldn't give a reason, just that the trainers on the course wanted me to leave.

    I explained, I can't just leave, my benefits would stop.  No job, no money coming in, I would be in a very bad situation.  So why?

    Eventually he explained.

    1. I didn't fit in with the rest of the group.
    2. I didn't belong there.
    3. I make the staff uneasy,. They are terrified of what I might say or do.
    4. Nobody would employ me in a shop in a million years.
    5. So there's no point in me being there.
    6. Just leave.

    So I left.  

    I'm still bitter at the unfairness.  It was not about what I did or said, but a preemptive dismissal because they were terrified of what I might say or do.

  • Bullying autistics is very common and it can have a long term effect, sometimes permanent.

    I suffered buying at school, in the family, at work, from neighbours.  Many of these people are dead but I still have recurring memories of the bullying.

  • in reply to Ellie b

    Bullies have ruined my life so much i have all these conditions related to my mental health i was born with autism but psycosis episodes happened when i was made to watch my fears im traumatised still from having back in time flashbacks pure evil. So people say ur not at school now doesnt matter the trauma is so bad i have panick attacks and believe something is trying to get me.

  • in reply to Robert124

    Well its caused me to have generalised anxiety disorder ptsd ocd and psycosis affecting me still now and im 28 x

  • On the positive side, having a good rant about the past and the unfairness of life, does relive pent up stress and makes people feel better.

    I, and others here have had similar experiences so we understand.  I've been counting how many jobs I've been through in my life, fifteen, all  disasters.  I've been fired from jobs, kicked off training courses, the list just goes on.