Why i cant look at the positives in life anymore of achievements to make

Where do i begin in nursery teacher asked my mum and dad if i knew how to talk i did at home coz was in safe comfortable environment then in primary school i stood still in the play ground had no friends didnt know how to interact with people literally froze felt lost group of girls started picking on me i couldnt defend myself ran away they chased me was terrified i did tell the teachers but the girls put an act on of being nice infront of them to me then other girls id try to talk to but werent interested. Middle school things got worse i was still being bullied i couldnt understand why i couldnt stick up for myself got called a cry baby for being upset all the time wanting my mum teachers werent understanding humilated me infront the whole class i wrote down a whole page thinking what miss ives meant she was fuming ripped up page after page expecting me to do it till i understood it i just wanted to be at home. Then high school was the worst got physically bullied tripped over on purpose coz of being clumsy laughed at made rude songs with my name in spat tic tacs in my hair put chewing gum in my hair pushed me over i just couldnt stick up for myself. People pretebd to be my friend go round a girls house so excited someone giving me attention bk how wrong i was took me hostage in her bedroom put horror films on to make me have meltdowns the same girl accused me of abusing her another girl i thought was my friend stuck up for her coz she had bruises on her arm the headteacher believed i did it till my mum dragged me in with the girls mum and the so called viçtim daughter she admitted she done to herself. I never had full lessons i had counselling for my mental health coz was suicidal not wanting to be at school i got called anorexic for not eating my lumch i didnt like people watching me still not knowing was on the spectrum. I knew i didnt feel like i belonged in this world as for teachers all they cared about was bollocking me for missing mock exams i got told ignore the bullies bullying continued. I started to join a club up the wreck the bully was there and brought along a horror chucky doll she said it moves like its real and going to come after me well got in a massive meltdown hyperventilating panic attack she found it funny. EVERYONE WAS HUMILATING ME EVEN THE TEACHERS. College i started first year of Nvq Level 1 in beauty and massage at city college was uncomfortable girls were all bitchy when having treatments done the amount of foldees were to pressurizing for me and when i found out not long after being diagnosed with aspergers the proffesionals said that was the worst course i should of avoided. I eventually went bk to city college did Btec level 1 art that was a positive year then coz i achieved level 1 went onto level 2 to achieve to become an proffesional artist my tutor humilated me coz i didnt want to answer questions and show me up infront the class didnt understand me and i misunderstood her instruction alot was that terrified i couldnt ask for help. Tried to make friends but struggled with conversations repeating myself got bulllied emotionally by people i thought was my friends ended up hiding a bottle of alcohol coz couldnt cope to sip to get through the afternoon. I pushed myself to achieve coz wanted to be an artist so much then when it came to deciding about level 3 it mentioned travelling to places well instantly it put me off coz i cant be away fŕom my family i cant cope with travel one my barriers of aspergers. I went and done 6 month in a bead shop sparkle and flare got mistreated there by the owner of the shop explained i do things at my own pace cant do several tasks at once that is exactly what she did complained coz i was to slow to finish the first task then moaned at coz expected me to b finished when i pacifically told her and a lady from mencap also told her not to make me do things im not comfortable with to cause me to have a meltdown. Same happened volunteering the boss told me to do a task one way i got criticized for not doing it a different way in the end to much pressure had pip tribunal aswell to tackle so i quit.

Parents
  • Girls are nasty, they mature as adults but school age girls are almost feral.

    I had a similar school story to yours, I never had friends on the playground but made one friend in primary 4 who was nice to me. That was fine until we were older and she discovered drinking and boys, then I was made fun of for not having a boyfriend, never kissing anyone and things like that. 


    I'm not a crier so I wasn't a "good" victim, I basically never cared. I had a few guy friends and then more who tolerated my presence. I made one other female friend and I still speak to her regularly even though she's moved away. The bullies moved on to someone who gave them better reactions thankfully. 

    I was so trapped in the not having a boyfriend thing I managed to end up in a really dangerous situation. When I left school and went to college I had no friends on my course. Then at uni I made friends with a guy from halls because the girls didn't like me, it's like they knew from the off that I was different.

    It's still happening, at work I can talk to people but it never goes beyond work chat where other people are friends outside of work. 

    I am married and my husband has friends but I go to groups (lessons, study sessions) and hang on the outskirts. 

    It does get better. The best thing I ever did was assertiveness training, it kind of toughens you up a bit and helps with not being taken advantage of by people who pick up that you're a bit different and want to pick on you. I also did autism friendly CBT and make a point of keeping that up, it helps with the anxiety that's always kind of grumbling about in the background. I got my therapist through anxiety UK who are a charity and do reduced rates of therapy for people on low incomes. 

    I also read a lot. About autism, behaviour, neurotypical expectations and I mask like an actor when I'm at work which definitely helps a lot. Building a good mask is critical for women I think but you also can't mask in relationships or else you end up making each other stressed and miserable. 

    I know it's hard but you need to look forward and concentrate on things that will make you happy. You can't do anything about what happened at school so you need to develop a strategy for dealing with the trauma and then putting it away so that you can make space in your head for better things that are happening in the present.

Reply
  • Girls are nasty, they mature as adults but school age girls are almost feral.

    I had a similar school story to yours, I never had friends on the playground but made one friend in primary 4 who was nice to me. That was fine until we were older and she discovered drinking and boys, then I was made fun of for not having a boyfriend, never kissing anyone and things like that. 


    I'm not a crier so I wasn't a "good" victim, I basically never cared. I had a few guy friends and then more who tolerated my presence. I made one other female friend and I still speak to her regularly even though she's moved away. The bullies moved on to someone who gave them better reactions thankfully. 

    I was so trapped in the not having a boyfriend thing I managed to end up in a really dangerous situation. When I left school and went to college I had no friends on my course. Then at uni I made friends with a guy from halls because the girls didn't like me, it's like they knew from the off that I was different.

    It's still happening, at work I can talk to people but it never goes beyond work chat where other people are friends outside of work. 

    I am married and my husband has friends but I go to groups (lessons, study sessions) and hang on the outskirts. 

    It does get better. The best thing I ever did was assertiveness training, it kind of toughens you up a bit and helps with not being taken advantage of by people who pick up that you're a bit different and want to pick on you. I also did autism friendly CBT and make a point of keeping that up, it helps with the anxiety that's always kind of grumbling about in the background. I got my therapist through anxiety UK who are a charity and do reduced rates of therapy for people on low incomes. 

    I also read a lot. About autism, behaviour, neurotypical expectations and I mask like an actor when I'm at work which definitely helps a lot. Building a good mask is critical for women I think but you also can't mask in relationships or else you end up making each other stressed and miserable. 

    I know it's hard but you need to look forward and concentrate on things that will make you happy. You can't do anything about what happened at school so you need to develop a strategy for dealing with the trauma and then putting it away so that you can make space in your head for better things that are happening in the present.

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