Published on 12, July, 2020
haven't had one in almost a couple decades, and don't foresee one anytime soon, if ever. it's just too hard being around someone, i need to do things my way, i hate cleaning things (except washing the dishes, i love to cook, although it's often the same exact thing), i don't[ bother screwing in light bulbs that burn out (i use solar lights i carry around and prop up, for crying out loud), and my house is so messy and revolting that i can't have anyone in... i seem to have my own slug-like rhythm, which i don't want others intruding on. in short, i am impossible to be around, and i find others impossible to tolerate, and probably will lash out at them sooner rather than later.
i am very private, very into myself, and don't let others into my world. having another person around, on an intimate or even semi-intimate basis, would just feel like an intrusion. i'd be like a cat on ice. literally. just super uncomfortable and exposed. i can't stand that. it feels like part of my aspergers - this need to be private. there's the social person (try to act normal) and the private person (secret and hidden under wraps). with 'close' friends, i generally am around them only for a couple hours at a time. that's it, without exception.
i feel some in the asd community are very very isolated, while most seem to be fairly or very social. i guess i'm asking the totally isolated ones for their input.
I haven't tried it, but in past posts those looking for online friends and conversation often talk about some Discord Server that's more a chatting space, rather than Q&A that this tends to be. If that's of interest use the search tool on past discussions.
You've got my sympathy. But this feels conversational to me, as much as the other people on here. So I would encourage you to engage here. I notice often that the quieter types here just pop up occasionally to say something, and then there are chattier ones who leave more posts regular. I imagine we seem the majority cos we do the majority posting. But I'm very consciouson any post the number of views are so so much higher than the number of people who comment.
We also come on here for different reasons. I mostly come to learn about my own autism and others, and how to navigate it. I'm not looking for conversatiin here. During lockdown I seem to come for a bit of contact and sollace, fill one of the gaps of loneliness. Others come specifically to make online friends and make posts about that.
My guess is what you're experiencing is common and I definitely think worth a new, separate post that catches the attention of people experiencing the same as I think others would benefit from the conversation too who might overlook this header. One tip, when I start a discussion I find it's very easy to quickly slide to page 3-4 with only 1 comment and disappear, so I've boosted it back to page 1 by adding my own comment. Sometimes it takes off, sometimes it doesn't.
It's good you're proactively looking after your own needs. I put a lot of effort into keeping myself ticking over, developing interests, etc. It can be exhausting but "keeps you busy" as my gran would say.
In bed last night I was thinking that there's a big difference between giving up, and not yearning fo a relationship. I think I still yearn for one even when I have little hope. And I think I do have different neurotic behaviours that cover up the gaps of not aving a relationship.
im still laffin !!!!!
sorry...
pmsl I cant stop laffin about that last line, " How in the world did you figure out....... Ahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa lol
Totally relate to this , I have been out of a relationship since 2005 and when i was younger i always wondered why i was single ,
I never chased or dated girls at school ,The 1 girlfriend i did have did the chasing but the relationship never lasted .After school i was single until i was 23 but again she did the chasing but ended up giving up on me
During my assessments for diagnosis , relationships and sexual contact was a topic we discussed and found that i have very strange ideas how relationships work and never realised what caring for someone meant . also i hate being hugged but if i initiate the hug then i am fine with it ?.
Now i'm much older i see that my chances of being in a relationship very slim as people can see that i have issues and they just swipe left , I have tried dating sites but that has failed as i got blocked by 2 of them and never had any replies to my profile or messages i sent out . I tried to use special interests to meet people but again i just seem to melt away to the fringes .I tried tantra therapy which showed me what being mindful meant and left it at that .
Being the loner is a much easier place to be and i get asked if i get lonely , But i prefer my own company and solitude as the years have gone by , Learning what mindfulness meant has made this easier and i have stopped thinking about any relationships altogether.
i have never met many people, and those i do i present a false NT self... at least, i have in the past. now i seem to need my pace and space, and people just interfere with that. not that happy by myself --- trying to work on that by developing my interests and finally learning to take care of some of my needs (such as need to pay attention to my sensitivities). i actually don't no if i'd want to cuddle a person; more into animals. no, i don't have any....
i've been in two in-person asd groups - in both i was among the outliers... outside... left alone even in the group, unable to mix and fit in. don't have the social skills, such as communication, that others seem to have in abundance. i guess that's why i'm in an on-line group. but i notice i don't seem to be able to engage in easy conversation even here. i'm not very conversational, not very engaged in being involved. altho i try to be. wondering if there are others out there who experience that ---- altho they're probably not here, but have simply disengaged.
not looking for solutions - i have a therapist and my own life experience.
Withdrawing for romantic relationships is a big question and one I think about.
But I think I'm also hearing another big question here which is feeling isolated within the ASD community. It surprised me joining how many people are fairly or very social. I'm very social and expected to be an outlier, instead I seem to be more the norm here. I've wondered where the voices and experiences of those who aren't social are. Maybe it's worth a separate post with a header about this specifically, like Not very social and feeling isolated even in the ASD community? If that is the case then yes Ican totally get that.
The hope of a romantic relationship is the thing i'm most pessimistic about. I've been single for 16.5 of the last 18 years.
Sometimes I give up and am happy about that. I do seem to be happy by myself. But I can also see I value each of the compnents of a relationship, dailyness, someone knowing my dailyness, connection, cuddles, doing things for another, planning things together, etc. I did therapy and she seemed to kinda instil in me that i should aim for one, but i wonder if that's an NT thing, or whether she was right.
My problem is I'm happy enough single, then someone messy comes along that I fall for and we fail to get into a relationship and then I suffer for 6-9-12 months. I contribute to not getting into the relationship cos i don't know how. So getting into a relationship would save me the heartache of falling for someone who struggles to do it.
I became a whole lot happier when I stopped trying to find and build a relationship.
Since then I've made new friends, met more potential partners that would be willing to try with me (and turned them all down) and acquired three cats who give me nice warm cuddles.
Which is all I really wanted anyway.
i'm really looking for people in my situation, or similar --- not exactly looking for solutions. i was at an asd party, and just found it really hard to connect to anyone. i noticed a small minority of others who seemed similarly isolated. i wondered if these pockets exist in the community, and how people cope, if they are unhappy, or unsatisfied, or the opposite. there are also hikikomori in japan. mainly males, who won't come out of their rooms. even if their parents are older (like, nineties), the hikikomori are still in their rooms.
so - just seeing if anyone can relate. for me, diagnosed in my early sixties, i feel maybe i was bludgeoned so much, and so incessantly by the world, that maybe - really - a soution might be to just really withdraw. i also have lots of sensitivities, and am working to remove myself from them. that might help, actually.
and sex? that takes it all to another level (uh, no pun intended?)
how in the world did you figure out your bird was afraid of the dark?
i would agree u are very isolated but i dont want to rock u're boat
very eco friendly type of living I approve.
Yea, I've given up on the idea of relationships. I'm not sure I'm that bothered about it, it doesn't feel like a massive loss to me. Maybe one day it will. But not right now it doesn't, Haven't been in a relationship for over 10 years. Haven't even had sexual contact with anyone for over 10 years. If it wasn't for me having a pet bird who is fairly scared of the dark I'd probably be living in the dark at night too, just using a torch or something or the light of the TV if it's on, which mostly it isn't on. Till my routine time to watch TV which is just before bed.