anyone else given up on relationships --- permanently?

nice

Our relationship is not one sided in terms of difficulties.

His job is very stressful and means I basically married that too. He also has hobbies that a NT wife would probably make him sacrifice as they require a lot of his time and money and NT women he dated didn't like it.

But he is kind, thoughtful, he accepts feedback, he understands my sensory profile and indulges me in my needs when he can (rollercoasters, I'm an adrenaline junkie). He gets some up sides too, I can look nice with makeup (people make comments), I make good conversations because I had it beaten into me as a child, I look after the house, we're trying for his mothers much longed for grandchild and it will be a well loved and well looked after baby if nothing else. 

to the outsider we are just a typical marriage of millennials.

You'll feel better without the mask. 

Without masking I feel like the relationships that I form are with people who are interested in me and not in an idealised version of me. It means that they are not disappointed when I don't live up to their NT standards or fail to perform well enough in the NT world. 

I do sometimes find myself masking as a defence mechanism but never around people I want to be friends with.

The down side is that I mask a lot at work for various reasons and a new nurse started who I'd like to be friends with but it would be too complicated. I don't mix my work life and personal life.

Nah. I don't want face to face contacts for the most part. 

he must be a angel

good man

Thank you.

There was learning through errors as well. I got to the stage where I'd meet men for first dates (online dating) and say "hi I'm [name], if I come across a bit quirky it's because I'm autistic, is that a problem?" And then try to judge their reaction.

It worked, I stated dating my husband in 2012, we moved in together fairly quickly (because I wanted to see if I could live in the same space as him) and we have good days and less good days but it's never horrific. I think we possibly have a better marriage than some of our NT friends because I'll just say "I think your work life is spilling into our home life and we need to review" and he's good at waiting until I'm in a relaxed space to tell me that I'm being very moody with people and he's worried that I've taken on too much. 

I wouldn't get it before, but it makes a lot of sense to me now, since I started going out without mask, after my relationship collapsed, which was like that, so yes I'm partly guilty of breakup, I was not happy with her, because deep in me I was unhappy with me, and she did not like me without mask.

for a year now, I'm trying to learn to like me me, and not be afraid going out without mask, there was few conflicts, but hopefuly they behind. and it will be easier now, that I know I'm normal :)

and so I can continue my road to enlightment :)

you're a great thinker

That's very interesting.

I've not read any Buddhist texts, more weird religious hang overs but the concept is definitely sound.

I think for autistic people especially, trying to find where the mask ends and the true person begins is a challenge. In learning who you really are you can break down some of the unhealthy coping mechanisms that turn off NTs though you might find your authentic personality can be difficult for the average NT as well.

This isn't a bad thing really, the relationship won't work when someone is masking, no matter how pretty or well constructed the mask is. 

Cookiesmum1986 said:

I tell everyone who was where I was that you can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy in yourself.

this a key teaching of buddhism/mindfulness/Zen. Isn't that interesting

they refined it to 

"you can't be happy until you're happy in yourself."

I had a period of 5 years where I was single and didn't pursue a relationship with anyone of the opposite sex.

I lacked the desire for a relationship and never felt like my authentic self when I was with someone who I thought I could potentially have a romantic relationship with.

I did have a male flatmate (purely platonic, we'd been high school friends, my parents were less than happy at me sharing a house with someone who wasn't pursing a marriage with me but then I think they thought he might be gay. 

During that period I explored my autism a bit, despite being diagnosed in childhood I had an extremely strict upbringing that although supportive came with EXPECTATIONS. I basically masked 24/7 from age 7 until I went to university, appearing home every Friday to be the perfect daughter for the weekend and then returning to the university town on a Sunday night to repeat. 

I eventually got enough self esteem and sense of who I really was and not who I was being expected to be, I got out there and met some people. At first sticking to people my parents would approve of (masking the whole time), but then I expanded out a bit and eventually met the person who I ended up marrying. 

I now have my tiny friendship group and my husband. My parents didn't completely disown me but I thought they might at one point. His parents are nice but clearly don't get it all the time

I tell everyone who was where I was that you can't be happy in a relationship until you're happy in yourself. Shake off the expectations and learn who your authentic self is and then go and present that person to the social world, without an agenda, and see where it takes you. If that's what you even want at all. 

good thinkin

Not sure if i yearn but i do dream of encounters with women when i'm asleep all the time , although that could just be the primal urge to procreate i guess.

Learning how to treat myself with more respect and kindness is my main focus now.

i still yearn, but it seems like fantasy land. i somehow seem MUCH more asd than when i was younger. i think i could just tolerate being bludgeoned when young, but now, i have to avoid the punches and blows. that necessity makes me very hard to live with - no, impossible to live with.....  i spend most of my time just trying to manage myself.

 i'm a loner by circumstances, and trying to learn, in my sixties, how to tolerate myself. i think a couple really good interests would be good - some people like to keep busy, i don't really. i like things that really interest me, problem is, i just havent found what that is. when the (rare) woman has been into me - i'm totally perplexed, and don't see why they would be, no matter how obvious they are. it just does not compute - i guess that's part of my asd... lack of empathy, lack of reading signs, lack of reading inflection, poor deciphering of spoken language, etc... bla bla bla.

agreed

I think a few more F2F friendships and acquaintances (for us both) outside the house would help a great deal with the relationship thing. In some ways, we aren't really that much different to so-called NTs. But lockdown is preventing such friendships from developing; despite my having deliberately retired to make room for more F2F contacts.

I rather no delve into it myself, 

regarding relationships i follow Envoys from Altered Carbon maxim, 'I take, what is given'

Because when it goes completely dark he goes insane and starts thrashing around in his cage or flying around the room in a panic bumping into things. He doesn't thrash around like that when not scared by some external stimuli. Either way, it became clear to me he was a danger to himself in complete darkness.