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Making friends?

Myrmeleon

This is an issue that I believe pertains to my Asperger's syndrome, which is that I feel I have a very hard time making friends or keeping up relationships with anyone I do make friends with. I'm 24 years old and I get very lonely (not in the sense of wanting a partner, for clarification) because of how few friends I actually have.

For context, I was never good at making friends as a child. I really struggled with social interactions with most people when I was young, especially with the other children I was at school with. This only worsened when I went to secondary school (because, for whatever reason, as soon as children walk through the gates of a secondary school they turn into such utterly vile monsters), as I was bullied, both emotionally and physically, to an extreme extent for practically the entirety of my secondary school career, and even for the duration of my sixth form college years too. As a result of all this, I feel a great anger and apprehension towards people my own age, or people in younger age groups as a result of this. 

The aforementioned issue, coupled with my intense focus on interests many others I know have branded as "niche", has led me to have very few friends. (For clarification, my main interests are biology, particularly animal sciences such as entomology, and also the visual arts; I enjoy drawing pictures and also like graphic novels and cartoons.)

I'm at an absolute loss, and have been ever since this sudden realisation about how I have very few people other than my immediate family present in my life. I hate feeling so alone. I want to have friends who share my interests which, again, most people think are "weird". I realise there's more to friendship than this, but I honestly have had moments in the past where I would be upset at the fact that I would, for example, read a paper or article about a species of beetle I like, and then have no one to share this passion with. 

What I want to ask the other people of this forum of, is if you have any advice for making friends? Or, how to cope with this kind of loneliness? 

Thanks for reading. 

  • Literally, I know how you feel. I don't have Aspersers myself - just plain ASD, but like I'm at college studying performing arts and  I find it so overwhelming because I struggle to make friends also. They're not necessarily bullying me, but like I guess they struggle to relate to me or something? Or I struggle to relate to them? Idk, but whatever it is it's like I'm in the minority of people who can't seem to find like-minded people and that has truly put me into some deep loneliness. I mean like I have a few friends in my life here and there and they're nice and friendly, but sometimes they are so unresponsive because they are at like different ends of the spectrum, I guess. 

    What you were saying about the interests, like, no they're not weird whatsoever. Things like that are quite interesting tbh, I don't share an interest in that kinda stuff, but there are definitely people who would. Once this pandemic is not as bad, then why don't you join some kinda club where you can meet people with those interests? Plus, you may actually find like-minded people there or something.

  • in reply to Myrmeleon

    Looking at the many replies, you have made friends here. I too am shy and I do understand how hard it is even online but I push myself and love chatting to people here. The current covid situation does not help and I hope that the many local support groups can start meeting again soon. Is there a group near to you? I have had a lot of help and made friends there and keep in email contact. 

  • in reply to LucyLandRover

    Yes, I understand not meeting complex social cues. Even as a grown man I still struggle with this from time to time. I have done some voluntary jobs in the past, but I didn't connect with people in the way I had hoped to, likely because of my difficulties with social interaction and such. I really don't know what to do.

  • in reply to Meeples

    I totally understand loving the people you do have but not sharing the same kind of interests or world view. It really is what I've experienced for much of my life. I have attended things such as art classes in the past for my interest in drawing, but I failed to fit in with people there too, even on the basis that the sort of drawing me and the other students did was very different. 

    I just don't know what to do. I've tried connecting with people on message boards or chatrooms on the internet, but I'm very shy and anxious in social situations (even behind a computer screen) and it often hasn't gone too well as a result. 

    I'm just at a loss.

  • in reply to Katrina

    I'm at least reassured that you and others who have responded know how it feels. I will keep being myself, even though before I've expressed frustration at the notion that being myself has caused me to be rejected by people because I don't "fit in". Anyway thanks for the reply.

  • Hello,

    it is a struggle to maintain friendships when you do not understand the complex social cues as I do. I have found that having a shared interest does make it easy such as my local cycling club. I also made friends in the local autism support group but the pandemic has ended this. Is there any volunteering opertunities locally, would this enable you to meet people? 

  • We can always have a chat about your favourite beetles. 

  • I understand the problem but I haven't found the solution yet either. I was never good at the friendship thing as a kid and was bullied, manipulated and used by people from about the age of six right through my school years and in to adulthood. I'm married with kids now, but I still feel that deep sense of loneliness because I don't have anyone to share my interests with. I love the few people I have around me, but their world view just seems fundamentally different to mine and none of them are really interested in the same things I am, so they are at best politely dismissive when I share something. People have told me over the years that I can be a bit intense about my passions, so I've tried to tone it down, but in the end it feels like I can't talk about stuff that interests me at all. 

    In the past I found, if not friendship, then at least the sense of community, in joining groups and classes that share my interests. The group situation did, and does, make me anxious, but sometimes it was worth it for the feeling of belonging. But that is hard to do - even without all the social distances and lockdowns that Covid has brought us - if you're interest isn't something most people do as a hobby.

    I've been hoping to connect with people on this forum too, but I'm not sure I really know where to start.

  • Hello. 

    I'm exactly the same. I was bullied for years and it really knocks you and the little confidence you already have. Honestly I'm not sure how to make friends (that's why I joined this community to perhaps make some friends). All I can say is just be yourself.