How to avoid overwhelming a new friend?

It is going well with this new friend. The self control thing seems to have become subconscious now, I was working at it at first. I've revealed some stuff, but not gone deep. I Ask about him, but don't probe. And we've set ourselves some running goals so that's providing lots to talk about. And I've accepted his boundaries of meeting weekly. Basically my anxieties have gone.

It'd be nice now to have one more person in my life like this. But I'm confident I'll achieve that now I've one good example to work from.

I suppose at least the yoga teacher did invite me to her house, because she lives round the corner from me but still, it was like literally meeting a different person. I went to coffee with person A but she turned out to be person B. Like those fairytales where someone takes their mask off and they are someone totally different.

With your new friend, I advise to take it slow. Don't pour it all out at once. I've got two new friends I've known for 3 years and I've had to restrain myself from not texting when I don't hear from them for a couple of days, not pouring out my thoughts and troubles, not clinging too much etc. I now trust the 2 friends if I don't hear from them for a week or so. It's been like a self control test.

What's the motorbike thing? I thought he just meant 'do you mind riding on a motorbike' I didn't think it was some kind of double meaning thing...

Hm, I'd have read that text as the guy only wanting a platonic relationship...

I wouldn't have got the back of the motorbike thing as clear enough!

A guy asked me this summer to go on the back of his motorbike and wrap my arm around his tummy and sit close, which seemed odd cos i've always held the back. It felt nice. The next time after 4 hours running together he asked me to go to lunch with him after showering and we spent another two hours together. He went quiet after that. I did wonder if something was going on, but decided it wasn't. More and more guys are springing to mind, eek!

The only time I've actually got it was when in a running club a guy asked me for my phone number. It was like they do in films, so I got that. We had a pretty good relationship for two years. The other relationship I got into I actually shutdown for 1.5 days and I have zero memory of what happened except I'm told I didn't make the move! It was after 9 months ambiguity.

Yeah, if i liked him more i would have gone back to him. I think though even if they like you they don't like making it explicit at that point and shy away. I'd probably freak out. Someone has to be brave first. So I have to get braver!!!

Yeah, i've missed a few opportunities looking back. One guy wrote me a text saying "just checking nothing's going on and it's just platonic?" I read that as a boundary so made it very very clear it was just platonic. Some time later i chatted to a colleague who was trained as a therapist and showed her the text. She told me i'd read it wrong, it was obvious to her he was looking for clarity, feeling unsure how i felt, sticking his neck out, etc, etc. I just couldn't get how he meant the opposite of what i thought he'd written! I've wondered recently if i should try and remeet him.

The two other guys are now in relationships:( It's hard!

I've had things like that, just a tsunami of talk n info without any breather. Generally uninvited and unexpected, but generally one off as there wasn't a friendship just an acquiantance thing.

It's a bit off when it comes from people in a therapeutic setting, eg yoga. My massage person started doing it so i had to stop. And my herbalist has done it to me too.

Yes, I've had that, just kinda getting stared at and ignored when i tried to swap roles. Things are definitely improving. I've let go of some friends, have invested more in 2-3, and seem to be doing better at choosing new ones and setting up reciprocal dynamics.

This new guy's been a shock cos for the first time ever I've felt I could literally dump everything on him like your yoga teacher. I'd never experienced that before. It's subsided, phew. I'm sharing a bit, but we're chatting a lot about running n stuff like that. I'd like to build him up into a longterm friend, so gonna go slow!

I think when people say things like that you could challenge them later after you've thought about it. Say 'when you said ____ what did you mean? I was confused.'

Looking back at my life, there are dozens of times when I could have clarified situations but didn't know what to say.

I used to do that all the time, looking back there were boys/men who liked me but weren't obvious enough. I met one of them years later, he said 'I really liked you at university'. I was so surprised I just stared but I should have said 'why didn't you SAY then?' He was really nice too! He would have saved me from a shitty boyfriend later! But the shitty boyfriend got me because he was really obvious about liking me and I was so amazed that a boy actually liked me I just went along with it.

I think the main reason I got together with my husband was because he was also really obvious. He said 'my friend is having her birthday party next weekend. Would you like to come with me? Would you mind going on the back of my motorbike?' I was delighted and that was that, we've been married 25 years now!

We need clarity in relationships.

It was just the sheer volume of information my yoga teacher shared with me, I was washed away with every detail of her life, it was too much. I could hardly get a word in, it was just a tidal wave of talking. I was exhausted after 3 or 4 hours and had to go and recuperate!

Yes! That was what I thought 'the way to make friends' was: listening to their woes and being there for them, being everyone's shoulder to cry on. But I learned a while ago that all just ends up with me having no shoulder to cry on. When I was at university I was like everyone's mum, always there for them. But when I had severe problems myself, the others just stared at me and went about their own lives, no one reciprocated. I've learned not to be 'the counsellor' now. I look after myself and only step up when someone's in dire need.
Thanks to YouTube gurus, I've learned to 'give a bit' and see if the other person gives a bit back. If they do, give a bit more and wait. If they don't give, then leave it at a shallow level friendship or move on.

Another thing I've noticed is my reluctance to make myself the centre of a conversation. i can take agesgetting around to talking about what's on my mind. I've noticed this with another autustic friend, he seems unable to realise people care about him enough to talk about his stuff, or he just can't put himself on the table, or something. This contributes to relationships forming one sided.

There does seem to be a thing that once you've done deep and meaningful with someone it's hard to talk about more trivial stuff, banter, laugh, etc. Maybe there's a reason to avoid deep and meaningful.

I'm finding doing outdoor stuff in groups a good solution. I seem better able to do the group thing if it's focussed around the thing we're doing, and the chat is around that. Etc. I'm making an effort to meet outdoor types by doiing courses and joining clubs to have more cursory friendships that are energetic, but more a laugh. Obviously covid's messed that up temporarily.

OMG, that's me! I'm everyone's crutch. And have struggled to get it reciprocated. But things are changing and this new friend is not the normal pattern.

I've got one good friend who more than reciprocates but his life is complex so i hardly see him. And currently a friend where we stay more surface level both of us, though share facts about life, but not the difficulties of dealing with it.

I think the non judgemental side of autism makes us approachable. Then that I spent a lot of childhood til 24-25 just listening to groups. Then that I'm not afraid to break taboos and do deep, meaningful conversation. That I see stuff in people and my quest for authenticity means I name it cos I want it on the table. And that I suspect I sollicit it cos I learnt listening to people about their woes was a way to have connection when I had no idea how to make friends otherwise. So I'm trying to undo my role in this. And yes, have relationships with a laugh. It is easier to laugh in groups and of course i find groups hard.

That's why this new friend feels important, as I seem to be breaking a pattern.

Hmm, but then was that a move that I missed? I just went rabbit in the headlights, pretended it hadn't been said, and then carried on like normal. Maybe I've got more work to do than I'd hoped.

found randomly,,,  a pink poodle

Yeah, it's the same in relationships. I'm there wanting explicit clarity "so, do you want a relationship?" Whereas everyone seems to want to make it look like an accident, like you accidently sat a bit close, and the other person accidentally put their hands on the others legs. I just assume 'oo, they sit close'. I mean I can't do accidents, nothing i do is accidental or a subconscious slip.

I think i missed the best opportunity i'll get by someone snuggling up to me when camping last year when i thought he was asleep, when now i realise he clearly wasn't. I tried talking about it which didn't work.

But then at christmas another assumed straight friend said to me (I'm a gay male) when talking about him trying to get together with a girl said "It's funny how when you like one person it opens things more with others, like i just thought then what would it be like to cuddle up with you." I took it as an honest reflection on a fleeting thought that happens in the complexity of the mind, but maybe it was a bit of a move.

It's hard! But at least I now understand the dynamics that I miss, so I hope to miss them less.

Is that a pink dog? How cute!