Published on 12, July, 2020
I wondered about others experiences of being gay and AS; finding gay friends; and a relationship.
I really struggled to understand my sexuality as I didn't identify with any of the gay models around me. I've no campness, not interested in shagging around, not interested in sculpting my body in the gym, and am hypersensitive to male predatoriness (like many women I'm guessing). I'm just a regular bloke next door with some quirks and well hidden struggles. I came to terms with it at 30 and came out, I'm 50 now. I only realised I was AS 3 weeks ago but now see a connection I think, esp after reading around a bit.
My friendship network currently is 100% hetrosexual. I've built a circle that's countercultural, reflective, green, intellectual, quite niche really. I've wanted gay friends but never clicked with any. Guess subconsciously looking for gay, countercultural AS types is quite niche so maybe it's been a numbers game and I should try gay circles more. I did move to Manchester and try and throw myself into the scene as best I could for 2 years but didn't really get anywhere. A lot of it was too much for my sensory overload, noise, big groups, jokes and inneuendo I didn't get. I tried a gay outdoor group for ages but again didn't click. I thought I just didn't fit in to the gay world. I can see I can mitigate some of this now by eg looking for smaller groups, and maybe just persevering. I do wonder if gentle guys with lower sex drive and who wanna be "good" just don't come out much.
I did find a relationship with someone quite well suited for 2 years but he had separate issues of his own that slowly emerged and when he was anxious I now see he triggered my AS, eg he suddenly found comfort in noise, the TV, etc which overloaded me. We separated which was the right thing to do.
I struggle massively to interpret flirting and moves and miss them, I'll post separately about that.
And I also get loads n loads of closeted guys falling for me that then are too scared to come out, but I've probabky missed some who would cos I struggled to read what was going on. I did therapy on this and after 6 mobths the therapust suggested it wasn't my problem to fix but a pattern to avoid. She suggested being a gentle, straight passing, good listener, non predatory guy was very attractive to closeted men and i just drew them partially out. She taught me to spot them and avoid them before I fell for them. Ideally she wanted me to make things clear with them in case there were opportunities but I struggle to do that.
So now I've realised I'm AS and learning how to navigate life more I'm wondering how to navigate life better as a gay AS man and hopefully find a relationship.