Autistic burnout advice required from a N/A partner

Hi Ian, one thing that came to mind is that it can be very helpful to use some signs / hand gestures to communicate instead of trying to engage in conversation. Just smiling and waving can make a huge difference, I think. In my experience, sensory strain is very strange and can be felt in the body, often leading to muscle tension. It can also become harder to hear and speak, to the point of going non-verbal for a while, and hand gestures can become very useful to interact without relying on language processing. Noise-cancelling headphones, earplugs and hearing aids that dampen background noise can also help.

You sound so great and so caring.  When someone is very withdrawn, basic life support is needed first followed by very, very gentle approaches to help them feel safe in the world again.  Baby steps...

It’s so difficult isn’t it? My partner and I are in the same position, but I’m the one who has been diagnosed so I understand (I think, at least partly) how your partner feels.

My partner has been very supportive and loving. We’ve been through so much difficulty communicating and at one point I thought this would be irreparable; but now I feel so much better. I am severely depressed right now, on medication, “checked out”, spending lots of time alone. I can’t explain how confused I feel. It’s just such a mess of overwhelming emotions and a feeling of hopelessness on what to do with them all. I’ve felt like “something is not quite right” my whole life and now I realise it might be because I have ASD and it’s just my brain doesn’t work like everyone else’s. But with that discovery comes the realisation that there’s a true self to be dug out from under 30 years of “masking”. What parts were masking? What parts were real? What parts are due to other childhood issues? How do I act from here on? Who am I? What do I do? It’s a crazy mess of thoughts. And add on to that the sheer overload of it all, there are stages....struggling...depression...burnout...then apathy/indifference. I told my partner sometimes I feel like a child that’s not learnt to read yet, trying to read a book and giving up in frustration. I know there’s an emotion there I want to explain to him but I’m struggling so hard to find a way to share it so I just get angry and frustrated. Some days I really just want to give up and sleep just as a way to mentally check out of the anger and frustration. I get irritable and it’s hard, I can snap and then feel awfully guilty and it just feeds in to what is already low self esteem... So the best to do is just take a step back, close myself off for a bit, recover and get myself into a better mental state.

Finding a new way to talk to my partner has helped. Just talking more. But my partner recognises when I’m in “sensory overload”, and if that’s the case just leaves me be in silence. The worst is when I’m in “burnout” mode and someone is trying to encourage me to talk about it and socialise. I think those with ASD (might just be me, not sure) need more time to process. I need time to process, sort through, almost categorise everything that I take in. So if I’m in a bad mental place already the best thing I can do is close myself off and give myself time and space. To someone who doesn’t realise this may come across as being “silent treatment” or anger or “sulking” or something. It’s not for me. I’m just struggling or hurting and need to process and heal. 

I also have really intense emotions so small things can trigger big feelings. Another reason I need time to process and to figure stuff out. 

My partner has taken care of things around the house and parenting-wise so I can take time alone, just to sit in a room alone. This has been the greatest help. Just to have time sat by myself to heal and recover. To think. One of the biggest things I need right now is just time to process. Just time to absorb all of the overwhelming info and emotions that are new. And time to revisit the old ones. My partner used to suggest things when I was “down” like a visit up to his parents, suggesting I meet up with a friend, or that I go somewhere with him. Again, for someone with ASD this is the opposite of what will heal and nourish and restore. I need time to sit alone and be by myself.  

I contacted NHS mental health team and have talking therapy with someone every week. This has been one of the greatest helps too. Someone to talk to over the phone. There is a website CALM that you can call or talk to online. But if you search Talking Therapies online they (or you) can self-refer if in a really bad place, depressed, and need help. 

I found something (drawing) I could just do alone listening to music to “check out” and get in a zone. That’s been helpful too

Hopefully this bit of rambling helps! Ditto Roswell, definitely major sensory overload. 

Hi Roswell.

Thank you for you reply.

Pretty much what you’ve described happened in one form or another.

The worst part though was the anger that was venting out.

I can’t pretend to understand fully what it must be like to have all your knowledge and beliefs about yourself and why you act like you do, turned upside down, only to find you are perfect the way you are, you’ve just had the wrong diagnosis.

From my ex partners behaviour, I’m guessing it’s a pretty big head f*ck!!

Throughout our relationship, we dealt with meltdowns, badly, but we did it. We got over them and moved on. They were all with the thinking that she suffered just with bipolar. This time though, it’s been on a whole new level. One I cannot even pretend to know anything about. I just couldn’t reach her in anyway, but, sort of could see, she needed reaching at the same time (maybe a naive thought process!). 
Anyway, I guess I’m after any information about ‘reaching her’ in an autistic burnout. Is there anything I can do to help, other than give her time and support?

I’ve never experienced anything like this, so I can only imagine how my ex feels. 
Even if we are no longer a couple, I still want to be there for support and involved in the learning curve now presented in front of her / us.

Thanks in advance for any info.

Ian

She might feel a sensory overload. We Autistic people get that. We can only bear so much light, noise, eye contact, talking, listening. We have more of a limit in that respect than neurotypical people. 

If someone reaches the point where all their senses are stressed to exhaustion, they can withdraw into themselves and seem to stop caring about the world around them.