Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I’m hoping for some guidance as I try to understand more about my partner and his condition.
My partner has been told he’s autistic by professionals but has chosen not to seek any help. He’s a wonderful man and we have been together 3 years and have a child together. He struggles on a daily basis with his autism (has difficulty adjusting to new situations and changes in routine) and he has opened up very little to anyone that he has autism and therefore gets no support and along with that I have little support when things go wrong.
The difficulty I’m experiencing is his anger. Very trivial things will make him escalate very quickly to extreme anger which results in him raising his voice, swearing and hitting things (not me but objects). Along with this it often results in him shutting down and not talking to me for hours if not days and/or threatening to leave. At times he is threatening with ultimatums but he genuinely doesn’t seem to see that this is not acceptable behaviour and he often will only consider calming down if I apologise. Often this starts from very minor points like changing the plans of the day or a minor comment I barely even register myself.
I don’t want to sound like I’m criticising my partner as he is a wonderful and accomplished man when not behaving this way. The struggle is he has no bar on his anger, even when other people can hear or our children are home (we have two older children separately).
I’m trying hard to ignore some of the behaviour to prevent these mood swings but in that I’m losing a little of my own self which isn’t the solution. Does anyone else encounter this with their autistic partner and how do they deal with it? Are there any techniques anyone can suggest to diffuse the situation? The anger tends to come on so quickly that I get caught out and then he’s unable to talk through the situation. Any help would be appreciated as I want to support him and help out relationship,
thank you
I can only offer a view from the perspective of someone raised by a father with ASD. I think there is very little you can do to alter your situation in terms of his behaviour. He won’t see things from your perspective or even your children’s perspective. However, I can tell you that your children will be affected emotionally and that may be hard to hear. I have a very strained relationship with my father and his behaviour has often left me feeling hurt and upset over the years - perhaps even resentful. Intellectually I can rationalise his behaviour; emotionally it still hurts. So, after years of making allowances, I now allow myself the space to grieve the relationship I wish we had and keep my distance out of self-preservation and for my own mental health. I think the breaking point for me was seeing my son upset by his grandad’s behaviour and realising this was how I had felt growing up too.