Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I don't know how to put everything just into a few short paragraphs but I'll have a go. I've been dating a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for just over a year now. It's been long distance but I moved in with him for Covid lockdown - I'm now back at work so back in my own place again.
I'm struggling so much. I love him so much and I desperately want it to work. Prior to living together during Covid, he was always affectionate when we saw each other and the sex was really great. Almost immediately after I moved in he announced he isn't that into sex which was a devastating blow to me. I've always loved the physical side of our relationship but now it feels like it was all a lie and he never was really enjoying it. He said it wasn't an issue before because we only saw each other every so often. He also stopped almost all physical contact and I literally had to beg him for hugs and kisses. When he did hug me he'd count out loud and/or try to do something else at the same time - it was so upsetting. Kisses just became little pecks and only when I nagged him for them. It literally feels like the whole first year was a lie and I've been tricked into falling in love with someone who wasn't real. He has never told me he loves me and says he's not sure if he ever will be able to. As the weeks went on, I got more and more frustrated because he would spend his time doing anything but being with me - he would literally do anything other than come and sit with me - gardening, washing dishes, cutting the grass etc etc. I tried to discuss things so many times & explain how I was feeling, but having a serious conversation would be impossible as he would either completely close down or just tell me to stop stressing and that everything would be fine. I'm torn because in so many ways he's my perfect man. He's so funny, smart, kind and loyal. But I feel like if we are going to work out, it will be me that has to make all the compromises and, selfishly, I don't think that is fair. I say 'selfishly' because I know he can't help how he is and he's not intentionally trying to upset me so I don't have a right to be angry at him for things out of his control.
The thought of spending the rest of my life in a relationship with hardly any sex or physical affection is devastating but at the same time, I love him so much. He doesn't want to get a diagnosis as he doesn't want to be 'labelled', which I completely understand and respect, but I feel like we need some professional help if our relationship can survive this. I want to be able to fulfil his needs as much as I need him to fulfil mine. What is so frustrating is that he has no issue expressing his feelings (verbally or physically) to his children, and whilst I don't begrudge that at all, it really hurts that he can't do the same with me. He just says it's different because they are his kids.
I think the crux of it is that, in my head, he only needs to do very basic things for this relationship to work much better. I know they're basic to me but not to him. All I need are hugs and kisses that I don't have to beg for, him asking how I am and seeming genuinely interested in my answers, sending me messages to wish me a good morning or a good night. Those little things (little in my head because they seem like totally natural things to do) would make all the difference to me but I'm not sure he's capable of them. He tries and it might last a day (or two at the most) and then it's back to normal.
I don't even really know what I'm asking. I just need to speak to other people who understand it and have been through what I'm going through. I don't want to look back and wish I'd walked away sooner - I've read so many stories from ladies bitter who feel like they've had their lives stolen in some way. But equally I don't want to give up on someone who I'm crazy about because I know how rare it is to meet someone that you fall in love with. Any thoughts/experience/advice would be welcomed. Thank you
As the daughter of an autistic father, I can tell you that my father was never be able to put anyone's needs before his and I expect you will always feel short-changed. If your partner is like my father, he will not be able to understand or relate to your emotional needs in the way you want and this is ultimately very difficult for someone who is not on the autistic spectrum. If you plan to have children, you may want to think very long and hard about this relationship.I can only speak from my experience, but my father was unable to be what is expected of a father in terms of caring for me, putting my needs before his, giving me the emotional support I needed, and even keeping me safe if he was focussed on one of his chosen interests. My mother stayed with him for 55 years until she died, but it came at a price to her mental health and he replaced her just 4 months after she died, like she meant nothing to him. He planned to introduce his new partner to all of mum's surviving family at a family garden party that was being held in mum's memory, on the day of what would have been their wedding anniversary. I was devastated and our relationship is beyond repair. He didn't understand why this was upsetting for us, so soon after her passing. While my mother was in hospital dying, dad had a meltdown about his haemorrhoids on the way to say our goodbyes. It made everything more difficult to deal with, although we tried to be understanding. I needed my dad to be a parent to me, in the full sense of that - i.e. someone to care and protect me - and he couldn't do that. I'm not saying your partner will be the same, but neurodiversity brings huge challenges to relationships and you will need to understand what exactly you are letting yourself in for. At the same time, many of my family are on the spectrum to some degree or another and it is my 'normal'. Hell, I'm probably on it too...