Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I don't know how to put everything just into a few short paragraphs but I'll have a go. I've been dating a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for just over a year now. It's been long distance but I moved in with him for Covid lockdown - I'm now back at work so back in my own place again.
I'm struggling so much. I love him so much and I desperately want it to work. Prior to living together during Covid, he was always affectionate when we saw each other and the sex was really great. Almost immediately after I moved in he announced he isn't that into sex which was a devastating blow to me. I've always loved the physical side of our relationship but now it feels like it was all a lie and he never was really enjoying it. He said it wasn't an issue before because we only saw each other every so often. He also stopped almost all physical contact and I literally had to beg him for hugs and kisses. When he did hug me he'd count out loud and/or try to do something else at the same time - it was so upsetting. Kisses just became little pecks and only when I nagged him for them. It literally feels like the whole first year was a lie and I've been tricked into falling in love with someone who wasn't real. He has never told me he loves me and says he's not sure if he ever will be able to. As the weeks went on, I got more and more frustrated because he would spend his time doing anything but being with me - he would literally do anything other than come and sit with me - gardening, washing dishes, cutting the grass etc etc. I tried to discuss things so many times & explain how I was feeling, but having a serious conversation would be impossible as he would either completely close down or just tell me to stop stressing and that everything would be fine. I'm torn because in so many ways he's my perfect man. He's so funny, smart, kind and loyal. But I feel like if we are going to work out, it will be me that has to make all the compromises and, selfishly, I don't think that is fair. I say 'selfishly' because I know he can't help how he is and he's not intentionally trying to upset me so I don't have a right to be angry at him for things out of his control.
The thought of spending the rest of my life in a relationship with hardly any sex or physical affection is devastating but at the same time, I love him so much. He doesn't want to get a diagnosis as he doesn't want to be 'labelled', which I completely understand and respect, but I feel like we need some professional help if our relationship can survive this. I want to be able to fulfil his needs as much as I need him to fulfil mine. What is so frustrating is that he has no issue expressing his feelings (verbally or physically) to his children, and whilst I don't begrudge that at all, it really hurts that he can't do the same with me. He just says it's different because they are his kids.
I think the crux of it is that, in my head, he only needs to do very basic things for this relationship to work much better. I know they're basic to me but not to him. All I need are hugs and kisses that I don't have to beg for, him asking how I am and seeming genuinely interested in my answers, sending me messages to wish me a good morning or a good night. Those little things (little in my head because they seem like totally natural things to do) would make all the difference to me but I'm not sure he's capable of them. He tries and it might last a day (or two at the most) and then it's back to normal.
I don't even really know what I'm asking. I just need to speak to other people who understand it and have been through what I'm going through. I don't want to look back and wish I'd walked away sooner - I've read so many stories from ladies bitter who feel like they've had their lives stolen in some way. But equally I don't want to give up on someone who I'm crazy about because I know how rare it is to meet someone that you fall in love with. Any thoughts/experience/advice would be welcomed. Thank you
Isn't part of loving someone, knowing when to let them go?
He sounds like he has ASD. Diagnosis isnt relevant. But he sounds like he has it and probably quite badly. What you see with him is what you get. it will probably always be like that. He wont adapt all that much, at least i dont think he will. The counting while being hugged, lack of physical connection all say he barely tolerates it and more than likely finds it an invasion of his space. Saying that he may also love you back, but he will probably never tell you, he probably doesnt even feel it in the same way you do and may not atatch emotion to it at all.
I could make a long reply, but the fact you posted on here tells me you already know some of the answers. If you want to try and make it work, then you both need to sit down and work out personal boundaries and what he is comfortable doing and not doing. Sex is pleasurable, it creates a reaction that produces endorphins and other chemicals. Hugging, IMO, doesnt. A hug for me creates no pleasurable response, its simply a coping mechanism for people with low self esteem, or at least thats how I see it (but I do hug people, but attach no emotion to the act and see it as something the other person needs more than me). From what i've seen of friends on the spectrum in relationships, they rarely hug. If you are someone that has to do physical contact all the time then you have to accept he may not reciprocate at all.
What he does with his children isnt necessarily an emotional act. More than likely its a learnt response. At the same time they've known him all their life. They will also probably know he has some level of ASD, depending on their age. They will just accept that.
I dont have any real advice. NT and ND relationships are beyond tricky. I've been there in the past. Depending on how high or low functioning the person is they can sometimes be impossible. YMMV.