Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I don't know how to put everything just into a few short paragraphs but I'll have a go. I've been dating a man with undiagnosed Asperger's for just over a year now. It's been long distance but I moved in with him for Covid lockdown - I'm now back at work so back in my own place again.
I'm struggling so much. I love him so much and I desperately want it to work. Prior to living together during Covid, he was always affectionate when we saw each other and the sex was really great. Almost immediately after I moved in he announced he isn't that into sex which was a devastating blow to me. I've always loved the physical side of our relationship but now it feels like it was all a lie and he never was really enjoying it. He said it wasn't an issue before because we only saw each other every so often. He also stopped almost all physical contact and I literally had to beg him for hugs and kisses. When he did hug me he'd count out loud and/or try to do something else at the same time - it was so upsetting. Kisses just became little pecks and only when I nagged him for them. It literally feels like the whole first year was a lie and I've been tricked into falling in love with someone who wasn't real. He has never told me he loves me and says he's not sure if he ever will be able to. As the weeks went on, I got more and more frustrated because he would spend his time doing anything but being with me - he would literally do anything other than come and sit with me - gardening, washing dishes, cutting the grass etc etc. I tried to discuss things so many times & explain how I was feeling, but having a serious conversation would be impossible as he would either completely close down or just tell me to stop stressing and that everything would be fine. I'm torn because in so many ways he's my perfect man. He's so funny, smart, kind and loyal. But I feel like if we are going to work out, it will be me that has to make all the compromises and, selfishly, I don't think that is fair. I say 'selfishly' because I know he can't help how he is and he's not intentionally trying to upset me so I don't have a right to be angry at him for things out of his control.
The thought of spending the rest of my life in a relationship with hardly any sex or physical affection is devastating but at the same time, I love him so much. He doesn't want to get a diagnosis as he doesn't want to be 'labelled', which I completely understand and respect, but I feel like we need some professional help if our relationship can survive this. I want to be able to fulfil his needs as much as I need him to fulfil mine. What is so frustrating is that he has no issue expressing his feelings (verbally or physically) to his children, and whilst I don't begrudge that at all, it really hurts that he can't do the same with me. He just says it's different because they are his kids.
I think the crux of it is that, in my head, he only needs to do very basic things for this relationship to work much better. I know they're basic to me but not to him. All I need are hugs and kisses that I don't have to beg for, him asking how I am and seeming genuinely interested in my answers, sending me messages to wish me a good morning or a good night. Those little things (little in my head because they seem like totally natural things to do) would make all the difference to me but I'm not sure he's capable of them. He tries and it might last a day (or two at the most) and then it's back to normal.
I don't even really know what I'm asking. I just need to speak to other people who understand it and have been through what I'm going through. I don't want to look back and wish I'd walked away sooner - I've read so many stories from ladies bitter who feel like they've had their lives stolen in some way. But equally I don't want to give up on someone who I'm crazy about because I know how rare it is to meet someone that you fall in love with. Any thoughts/experience/advice would be welcomed. Thank you
If he's been in a previous relationship then he's probably let that person get close and they've hurt him badly. He will have extreme difficulty putting his mask down to let another in as close. He was doing what was expected of him to be accepted as normal (masking) but it's extremely tiring to do.
He will be fine with his kids because they have grown up seeing the true him - they are automatically on the inside of his mask from birth. You are seeing the edge of the mask - behaving one way with some people and completely differently with others. You viewpoint is unique, but very confusing for you, seeing him totally switch personalities before your eyes - you see it - he might deny it.
If he's not able to admit to himself that he's probably on the spectrum then he's still stuck in the denial stage where we try to use pure muscle power to cope with the day's stress - until we can't manage it any more and we burn out. The total detachment from you might because of external stresses taking up all of his processing power so there's literally nothing left for you at the end of the day - except that he might download on you to vent the stress.
If he's unable to speak honestly and clearly with you then you're probably on to a loser - the amount of effort needed on your part to put up with this and bend to his ways will just deprive you of a fulfilled life. You'll learn to hate him. If you need to talk to him, any frustration or emotion or sarcasm on your part will confuse him - too much conflicting information at once to work out what to do - you'll get either silence or a rant in return. You might get more satisfaction from an exchange over e-mail where he can formulate a response without the pressure to reply immediately. If you explain it all to him in writing, he just might 'get it'.
If you're thinking of counselling, be aware that most counsellors have no clue about autism and will offer weak platitudes about communication. He will agree to everything for a quiet life but internally he will have judged and dismissed their advice so nothing will change.
btw - I'm an aspie guy - married to NT wife for over 30 years.