Help needed with relationship advice please

Thank you for your advice.

I am willing to try anything at the moment. I did send an email just saying " I love you " but I didn't get no reply 

how about an emoji that just means, "hey, just now i was thinking about you". My partner and I have some secret emojis that we assigned meanings to.  Sometimes emojis are less demanding than words

Any advice on contacting my partner whilst he's ghosted me ? The pattern is normally me having to chase him and if I don't he questions " why didn't you contact me on this day or that day ? " I just want to reassure him 

I can only imagine what you've been through, I know have emotionally been on a rollercoaster the past few months. But am so strong minded and always been taught to solve problems and don't walk away. I will know when my time is up . Am glad your finding inner peace now . Take care 

Thanks Up. That means alot. Sorry for blurting all that out.  It seems to have helped me having, written it out, as I’ve kept it all to myself.  May we all find what we’re looking for in this crazy life, and may it be reciprocated lovingly. xx

Thanks Gem. My heart really goes out to you. I believed that love could conquer any problem, that if I just hung on in there, and I refused to walk away on a number of occasions. I wouldn’t listen to anyone who told me he was dangerous(there’s more to this story than I feel I can share). In your case, I know how how painful it is to leave when you’re so invested emotionally. Hope you can both make it work, I truly do. Hope you can be very happy together. No-one should just give up without trying, and you’re certainly trying. Hope he is too. xx

Yes that is true , he is aware of some issues and he's just started his counseling BUT I think he needs to address the autism side as well to make things work for himself.

Thank you 

yw .. it's informative for me to articulate my feelings about all of this .. .. we can only go forwards tho

.. reading your comment again - I'm sure you do try to understand, especially with the knowledge from your day job, but if he is sailing along unaware of the mess he's leaving in his wake little can change I feel .. 

.. look after yourself .. it's not your job to 'fix' anyone else .. stay safe x

that all sounds really hard .. sending strength to you .. x .. I have to admit recognising some of that unaware behaviour in my former self :-( .. not a happy thought ..  

It can be very difficult at times with communication. I obviously work in a special needs school but my children are high on the spectrum and it's completely different having a relationship with someone who has autism. I sometimes do try didn't ways of understanding but am guessing if he doesn't know a lot about it himself hell not get me.

Thanks for your guidance

Hi Gem .. thats quite a hard one .. I think if we'd both had a good understanding of what was happening then a different conversation wuold have been possible .. as it was neither knew and so the relationship spiralled into the ground .. 

.. In fact there were two significant relationships that went bad before I self-diagnosed

.. and yes, I remember that when I fell into a black hole I could be there for days .. only afterwards realising that I'd been absent from the real world .. 

.. my profile text may tell you more about my journey .. 

I am very sorry to hear this . It's very hard at times . There is times where I want to walk but he does try a lot and wants to help himself through his counseling but I think because he's undiagnosed it won't help as much 

Have you recently been diagnosed ? My partner is fully aware and with a little prompt would possibly go for a diagnosis with support. Would you have any advice on what would of made your relationship better for your other half on understanding you ? My partner is very open with his feelings, loving and caring . When angry he can be like that for days. 

Dear Gem - I have just left a VERY damaging 9 month relationship with an undiagnosed autistic man. I’m trying to heal. Communication on issues that hurt me, didn’t work. Only now, do I realise how fortunate I am to be free. Not every man on the spectrum is the same. Some are open to changing their behaviour and hate the thought of hurting others. Once they know they’re doing damage, they can and do change. I’ve found this only works though with a certain type of man. He has to be able to put you above all else, above his number one hobby, and value your relationship more than anything or anyone else. I cannot begin to tell you the damage that can be done longterm, from remaining in this kind of partnership(friendship or romantic relationship). After 9 months, I am just now starting to come to terms with the damage done. I hope for your sake, you have the ability to keep yourself safe emotionally, and know when it’s time to walk away for your own sake, if need be. I’m saying this as a woman on the spectrum, who unfortunately seems to be drawn to this “type”, but has learned the hard way. The “best friend” of the man I was considering building a life with, moving for etc, even tried to warn me about him. I use the term “best friend” loosely, as the man I was with, made it known that he actually viewed this “friend” as more of a nuisance, but as he doesn’t have many if any genuine friends, he keeps him close enough, to be useful to him(this person will travel to see him). The man I was with, will not visit anyone, they have to come to him. I genuinely fell for him and if I’d followed through on our plans, I’ve no doubt, we would have had a beautiful home in a beautiful place by the sea, and he’d have had all the love and care  he could have wanted, been financially very well off for the rest of his days, from my means alone(he is unable to work), but I would have been left feeling like an object, unloved, treated coldly, feeling incredibly used, and as I do now, only a tiny part like my former self. The article I’ve just discovered and pasted part of for you here (below) is actually a turning point for me and helping me get myself back. Take care. xx

An excerpt from an article I’m reading that reflects how I’ve been feeling ...(let me know if you want the full article)...

For her part, she finds his thoughtful attention and his stability comforting. She is also drawn to what she takes to be his reticence. She admires his ability to maintain his focus so intently and to be so successful in his work.

To a man on the spectrum, however, living with a person who has these qualities may be predictably uncomfortable. Where he seeks equilibrium in order to feel he understands the world around him, she seeks—and represents—novelty, as a result of the very curiosity that made her the woman he initially admired.

His constant anxiety related to living in what feels like an alien culture is soothed by predictability. This would be facilitated by the presence of a partner who complies with his view of reality. This is not because he sets out to manipulate her. It is because his fundamental concepts are threatened by hers. His anxiety grows with his fear of doing “something wrong” because he is never quite confident about what the “right thing to do” might be.

From her perspective, his thoughtful attention may have disappeared the very day of the wedding. He quickly became self-involved and aloof. The stability she admired slowly shows itself to be profound inflexibility. The reticence does not point to the underlying wisdom she assumed was present; she now sees that it comes from his not knowing what to do or say. And his inability to focus on her has come to mean she exists outside his field of interest, where he is apparently content to relegate her.

Hi Gem

.. I have had a lot of difficulty with relationships

.. looking back I wish I'd know that I was well into the ASD/AS spectrum .. then perhaps I would have had a better understanding about my view of the world .. and the likely challenges I'd have interacting with people

.. especially girfriends

.. I like to think I'd have been able to spot my own patterns and how they were hurting others (particularly those close to me) ..

.. perhaps if your partner had a better understanding about his position on the spectrum then he'd moderate how he interacts with you??

.. sending a virtual hug ..

Thank you ! Am in desperate need of some advice . 

I dont know the answer but wanted to comment so that your post stays around the top and hopefully you will get a reply. :)