How can I help him?

i just wanted to say what a lovely partner you are. Being ignored is horrible but it's not targeted at you, its just a shut out of stimuli and demands. But still not easy to cope with.  It's heartening to know there are such nice people in the world. 

Those sounds like good ideas

That's really tough. Some companies might offer alternative ways to communicate (e.g. live chat, video calls etc.), so that might be something to explore. I hope he's able to work through things one step at a time. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to support him, and that's all anyone can ask.

Direct sentenses in communication, calmly discussing issues, stating what you want, what you expect from the relationship, make it clear, don't expect him to take a hint, we don't do well with subtext.

Emotions are also not our strong point, we get confused by them, if you want hugs, more likely you'll get hugs if you make it clear that you like hugs and you need them a lot.  

Thank you. Yes when he is in a good enough place to be able to talk again I will perhaps try to discuss a way he can let me know he is ok without needing to talk. I've seen suggestions on here of a certain emoji or code word which means he is struggling and needs some time. 

He wont speak on the phone in front of any one unfortunately. He wont even take phone calls from me or his family. All has to be via text to discuss anything serious. He shuts himself away to make phone calls for work etc. We were working through payment plans but now with other things going wrong he has just shut himself away. I think he is doing the whole 'out of sight out of mind' thing at the moment just to cope. Thank you for your reply 

He does so much for his family, he is at his happiest when helping people. He cooks for them all the time, does free work around their house, fixes their cars etc. But they misunderstand a lot of his actions as him not caring. E.g he walks out of arguments rather than helping/supporting them. Or if he sees his mum crying he leaves the house. They interpret this as him not caring when they dont see he just cant cope with seeing any conflict or others upset due to his aspergers. And in fact he is leaving the situation because he cares too much and cant handle the emotion so he knows he needs to leave for his own good. Also because he wont just 'man up' and get over his issues, manage his debts and turn up in court etc. They dont understand it's not that simple for him. 

I can see a relationship working with him very well. I am lucky that I understand him and can be patient. There is still a lot I dont quite understand and I'm working more out slowly. He just struggles to communicate with me when he is needing help and doesnt explain how he wants me to approach things which is why I thought I would ask on here. Thank you for all your help

If it's possible for you to get hope from the good things that are, and not hope that things will change a lot, you could have a nice relationship, but it's always going to be a bit strange.

I read here also from you that his family thinks he's selfish. That doesn't seem to match up with the fact that he was reluctant to borrow your car, and didn't take it for granted. It could be that he told them a couple of times that he had enough problems to deal with and he's not able to help others right now. 

I'm married, I have a daughter of 18 and a son of 15, full time employment, own house... so if people tell you it's impossible to have a working relationship with somebody with autism, it seems it can be done, but I don't think my wife always has it easy with some of my quirks. 

Hi. First of all, I think it's great that you're being so supportive by reaching out here for advice and giving him the space he needs. When we're stressed, it sometimes becomes incredibly difficult to communicate with other people, even though we know they just want to help. 

In terms of him being overly grateful and not wanting to use up any of your time, maybe you could let him know that it's just how you like your relationships to work - you can work as a team and support each other (if you can think of any other ways that he supports you, that might be helpful to mention too, just to show him that there is a balance). 

I wonder if it's worth having a think about what you both need from the relationship - you could write them down so that you both have thinking and processing time. For example, you might need reassurance that he's safe/okay when he's looking for space (e.g. 'I'm okay, but I need a bit of time to myself'). He could perhaps tell you what he wants from you when he's finding things difficult (e.g. there might be a form of contact that works better for him, or he may just need complete space). It's important to respect his space and it certainly sounds like you're doing that, but you also need to be open with him about what your needs are so that you can find a middle ground.

In terms of everything that's going on with court, debt collectors etc., it might be helpful to contact the Citizens' Advice Bureau. If he struggles with phone calls, maybe you could offer to sit with him while he makes the call, e.g. taking notes while he speaks, or speaking on his behalf if he's more comfortable with that. 

Thank you. Yes that does make sense. He has said a few comments before suggesting he isn't good enough. He always gets back in touch when things are sorted and he is back to 'normal', i.e functioning properly again 

I tried offering to go to court before or even just walking him in to the buildin . But he said he wouldn't be able to handle that and would prefer to go alone. He doesnt like any one to see him when anxious. He is already in trouble for missing court, he had a panic attack outside and ran off. His solicitor is aware so hopefully they will help him. I just hate not being able to do anything in the mean time and worry about his mental health while he is shutting himself away. His family wont help, they dont understand his aspergers and see him as selfish etc

tell him u  will accompany him into court as a friend/mentor role. Tell the court he is autistic before hand if u can ( walk into the court as soon as u can and talk to the staff ). In short make sure he turns up.  Yes , i think give him more space  --- where is his mum ? dad ?  siblings ? ask him these questions if u dont know,,,,,  they may be able to help u help him in a team effort. 

keep up the good work. 

I would guess that he sees himself in this situation as unfit as boyfriend material for you. 

The pieces don't seem to fit. 

People with asperger, like me, we don't take the emotional side of a relationship into the equation. It doesn't come as self-evident that being there to listen to your partner actually has real value. 

What can also be an important factor is fear for being exposed as incompetent and then losing control over the things you planned to do. I had a situation with my brother-in-law where he snatched a rake out of my hands to show me how the gardening-job is really done. That hurt me, I started to think what signals I must send out to other people. Although the evidence always shows that I get the job done in the end. 

You could communicate this to him: you need hugs, they have a value for you, you don't want hugs for free, you want to return the favour, you're in a relationship, that usually means task-divisions, a tip: usually phonecalls are like roadblocks for people with aspergers, that could be something you do for him, but make it very clear that you're not planning to take it all over and solve problems for him.