• Replies 11 replies
  • Subscribers 83 subscribers
  • Views 3011 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

How can I help him?

NAS67035

Does any one have any tips or advice on how I can help my boyfriend when he is struggling? 

When he faces any kind of problem he just shuts me out. I understand that due to his aspergers he likes to be alone and close off from the world to help him cope. He also mentioned before he doesn't like me to see him stressed because it embarrasses him.

But he has even stopped letting me know via text message what the issues are so I can help. He deals with things alone every time and shuts himself away until he has resolved things. If he does tell me a problem and I offer any kind of advice or help he then just ignores me (but if I dont respond offering help surely he will think I dont care?)

He has made comments in the past about not wanting to use up any of my time, and if I ever do help he always seems overly grateful. E.g his car broke once so I lent him mine for one journey and he brought me a gift just to say thank you and didnt stop telling me how much I helped him. When to me helping him with something so small was just a normal action. 

I'm just really worried as he is currently dealing with some major stress and things around him are falling apart. His car broke, he lost his job, he is being chased by debt collectors and he has an upcoming court case for something too (nothing bad he has done but he is still terrified). Things are getting worse and I hate just watching it all happen to him while he is sat alone depressed, when what I really want to do is just hug him and tell him it will be ok. And I could actually resolve a lot of things for him rather than them be getting worse while he ignores them. But I dont know how to help. Do I need to just leave him alone? 

Parents

  • Hi. First of all, I think it's great that you're being so supportive by reaching out here for advice and giving him the space he needs. When we're stressed, it sometimes becomes incredibly difficult to communicate with other people, even though we know they just want to help. 

    In terms of him being overly grateful and not wanting to use up any of your time, maybe you could let him know that it's just how you like your relationships to work - you can work as a team and support each other (if you can think of any other ways that he supports you, that might be helpful to mention too, just to show him that there is a balance). 

    I wonder if it's worth having a think about what you both need from the relationship - you could write them down so that you both have thinking and processing time. For example, you might need reassurance that he's safe/okay when he's looking for space (e.g. 'I'm okay, but I need a bit of time to myself'). He could perhaps tell you what he wants from you when he's finding things difficult (e.g. there might be a form of contact that works better for him, or he may just need complete space). It's important to respect his space and it certainly sounds like you're doing that, but you also need to be open with him about what your needs are so that you can find a middle ground.

    In terms of everything that's going on with court, debt collectors etc., it might be helpful to contact the Citizens' Advice Bureau. If he struggles with phone calls, maybe you could offer to sit with him while he makes the call, e.g. taking notes while he speaks, or speaking on his behalf if he's more comfortable with that. 

  • in reply to DuckBread

    Thank you. Yes when he is in a good enough place to be able to talk again I will perhaps try to discuss a way he can let me know he is ok without needing to talk. I've seen suggestions on here of a certain emoji or code word which means he is struggling and needs some time. 

    He wont speak on the phone in front of any one unfortunately. He wont even take phone calls from me or his family. All has to be via text to discuss anything serious. He shuts himself away to make phone calls for work etc. We were working through payment plans but now with other things going wrong he has just shut himself away. I think he is doing the whole 'out of sight out of mind' thing at the moment just to cope. Thank you for your reply 

  • in reply to NAS67035

    Those sounds like good ideas Slight smile

    That's really tough. Some companies might offer alternative ways to communicate (e.g. live chat, video calls etc.), so that might be something to explore. I hope he's able to work through things one step at a time. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to support him, and that's all anyone can ask.

Reply
  • in reply to NAS67035

    Those sounds like good ideas Slight smile

    That's really tough. Some companies might offer alternative ways to communicate (e.g. live chat, video calls etc.), so that might be something to explore. I hope he's able to work through things one step at a time. It sounds like you're doing everything you can to support him, and that's all anyone can ask.

Children
No Data