Hi everyone. I am not an autistic adult myself (at least not to my knowledge), so I was not sure where to put this thread, but I really need some help and was wondering if people in the community here might have some answers for me.
For background, I had a long, generally very healthy relationship with my ex partner, who has been diagnosed with autism but is not open about the diagnosis. Basically, I am the only person other than my exs parents that ever knew about their autism, and I promised I would not tell anyone else. We never discussed it, as my ex did not like referring to it, refused to discuss it, and did not want to be viewed differently because of it. I was worried about their insistence on secrecy about their autism while we were dating, but figured it was best not to pry or insist they share something so personal.
My ex is kind, thoughtful, and an amazing person, but after several years together I broke up with them because I realized that my needs were not being met in the relationship. Mostly, I just needed more affection and attention than my ex was able to give, I love to travel and want to travel as a career but my ex did not, and I am not interested in my exs career which consumes almost all of their interest and free time as well as work time. I do not regret the breakup at all, as I have been able to travel more and been happier out of the relationship, but recently my ex has reached out, saying they are still upset about it and seeking closure, and asked me to explain exactly why I broke up with them several months ago. I responded with the reasons above, emphasizing that I believed our needs and wants were just too different and that they needed to be with someone who in particular understood their career, and I think I accidentally sent my ex into a downward spiral. My ex said essentially that they regret telling me they were autistic, that they should have been able to see earlier that I was unhappy, and that they were sorry they, quote, could not care about me enough.
Now, I am afraid my ex believes they are unworthy and unable to be in a romantic relationship, ever, because of their autism--something I definitely do not think is true. They had expressed this belief to me before, but I disagreed and we even lived together and had a good relationship for years afterward. Does anyone have any suggestions for what, if anything, I can do to help them? Maybe it is not my business, I am just sorry to see my ex hurting so much over something I said. I apologize in advance if I said is way off the mark or disrespectful, as I dont know much about how to talk about autism in a supportive way as someone who isnt on the spectrum myself. But would love to learn to be better. Thanks in advance!