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Ex-partner struggling, seeking advice

NAS67551

Hi everyone. I am not an autistic adult myself (at least not to my knowledge), so I was not sure where to put this thread, but I really need some help and was wondering if people in the community here might have some answers for me. 

For background, I had a long, generally very healthy relationship with my ex partner, who has been diagnosed with autism but is not open about the diagnosis. Basically, I am the only person other than my exs parents that ever knew about their autism, and I promised I would not tell anyone else. We never discussed it, as my ex did not like referring to it, refused to discuss it, and did not want to be viewed differently because of it. I was worried about their insistence on secrecy about their autism while we were dating, but figured it was best not to pry or insist they share something so personal.

My ex is kind, thoughtful, and an amazing person, but after several years together I broke up with them because I realized that my needs were not being met in the relationship. Mostly, I just needed more affection and attention than my ex was able to give, I love to travel and want to travel as a career but my ex did not, and I am not interested in my exs career which consumes almost all of their interest and free time as well as work time. I do not regret the breakup at all, as I have been able to travel more and been happier out of the relationship, but recently my ex has reached out, saying they are still upset about it and seeking closure, and asked me to explain exactly why I broke up with them several months ago. I responded with the reasons above, emphasizing that I believed our needs and wants were just too different and that they needed to be with someone who in particular understood their career, and I think I accidentally sent my ex into a downward spiral. My ex said essentially that they regret telling me they were autistic, that they should have been able to see earlier that I was unhappy, and that they were sorry they, quote, could not care about me enough.

Now, I am afraid my ex believes they are unworthy and unable to be in a romantic relationship, ever, because of their autism--something I definitely do not think is true. They had expressed this belief to me before, but I disagreed and we even lived together and had a good relationship for years afterward. Does anyone have any suggestions for what, if anything, I can do to help them? Maybe it is not my business, I am just sorry to see my ex hurting so much over something I said. I apologize in advance if I said is way off the mark or disrespectful, as I dont know much about how to talk about autism in a supportive way as someone who isnt on the spectrum myself. But would love to learn to be better. Thanks in advance!

Parents

  • Hi - Are their parents still together?      If so, they may regard relationships as long term pair-bonding so the concept of splitting up may not be in their programming.    People are just together - like arranging their toys in the correct order.     Separating is like losing part of a set or jigsaw - things are just not right afterwards.

    You might want to chat to them about the separation of identity and goals - the person may be perfectly fine - but if their goals are not compatible, someone will end up unhappy in the long term and will feel their dreams have been stunted.

    Additionally, autistic people manage their social interactions with the chaotic world by using a mask to protect them.       The mask is programmed to behave like everyone else so they can hide in plain sight.       Unfortunately, it tends to be put in place during puberty because their world is changing so fast that they can't keep up - so they fake it sufficiently to get by without being bullied.       This protection becomes a crutch they rely on the survive the social game but its success reinforces its rules so they become unable to modify it to let someone get close and see the real them.

    If they have gone to the enormous effort to integrate another person into their mask, they may not understand why that person has abandoned them afterwards.     The modified mask is still as rigid but is now missing a huge chunk of themselves so they feel like half a person from there onwards so it's really hard to repair the mask - and their subconscious will be very resistant to wasting all that effort to straighten the mask out again - the easy option is to put the missing piece (you) back in place.

  • in reply to Plastic

    Thank you for the insight! Yes, their parents are still together and met at a young age (the same age we were when we met.) So maybe that is part of it. 

Reply Children
  • in reply to NAS67551

    I’m not so certain this is a big factor to it. My parents divorced when I was young and I haven’t seen my dad since I was 6 (20 years still not in the picture) but I still found a break up like this particularly difficult to work out why we had got to that point. Change is something we tend to really struggle with and even more so when it’s out of our control. I think the masking point made above is a big part of it and like I have mentioned below, you became a big part of their life and they will have worked you into their setup. It won’t just be the breakup that’s hard to deal with it’s all of the things you did together that will be harder to face without you especially if you took some of the pressure off a situation. As hard as it is, sometimes we just need to rip the plaster off. The pain may be greater in the moment but in the long run it will be much better for the both of you.