Ex-partner struggling, seeking advice

I can relate with this post and I found it very difficult (but not impossible) to move on without this “closure”. Part of me wished and still does that there was something that happened that you can look back and say that this is why we split. When there isn’t that moment it can be very difficult to work out at what point did your feelings change.

I am on the path to an official diagnosis and it was something I had thought about for many years before this but it was having a long term relationship (almost 4 years) that really highlighted to me the areas I was struggling with. I found it much harder to “mask” how I was feeling the longer the relationship went on and I would have described the relationship as almost part time. I had moved in with them a year in but still spent half the week at my family home (it was very close to work) as I would struggle with managing work and a relationship plus travelling lots on top.

I can look back now well over a year on from our split and the sad part is I really suffered trying to do what I could to keep them happy. To see the difference in focusing on myself and my goals I have achieved so much more without them. But at the time I couldn’t comprehend how we got there as not much had actually changed in terms of how they were around me when we spent time together. So when the end comes from built up emotions that you are completely unaware of or can’t see where that changed you do take it as a personal attack no matter how hard you try not to or know you didn’t do anything to deserve that. I felt like none of the relationship was genuine and can’t believe when they say they still care and love you but doesn’t think this is working anymore.

It’s hard not to feel like you have wasted all those years and it definitely has made me not want to get into another relationship anytime soon. ASD varies so much so it’s hard to generalise a response on how they may be feeling or how you could help. It’s very admirable to see you still speak highly of them and clearly care enough to want to help.  This can be very confusing which is probably half of their battle with you, I know it was for me.

I struggled to work out why they didn’t end things years back if they had felt like that. My feelings didn’t really change throughout and if I ever was upset or not happy with something I would say and we could work it out. Maybe that was half the problem too they didn’t say anything until the end so I felt like I didn’t see it coming and that’s hard, we were as usual one night and the next morning they hit me with the bombshell that they aren’t happy and don’t think this is working anymore.

I don’t know if I would have felt differently if we had known about having ASD before we got together then I may have found it even harder to deal with, as my journey for diagnosis has come after I can see what a struggle I had without knowing why and I now know instead of trying to change everything about me and my life to fit in with a relationship for me to have any more going forward then they will to an extent have to fit with me.

I can clearly see now we were not compatible long term but at the time it wasn’t easy to see, it did feel like loosing a family member. I got a similar response to what you have explained as your reasons and it didn’t answer any of the questions I had so I’m not sure how you can help or what you can say that will make it any better. You do feel defeated and it’s only where I know and can see how much I have achieved since my focus is back on me that I think I have been able to move on.

As far as closure goes I still do not have that and do not think I’ll get it in that respect. The answers of feeling like this for a while but not really showing it or saying anything has made me angry more than anything that they didn’t respect me enough after all that time and everything we had been through that they couldn’t be honest with me when it mattered most. It still felt like a betrayal of some kind, I was always completely honest (maybe too honest) on how I was feeling at any point and thought they were the same back. That was the only thing I really cared about and made that clear throughout, I can’t cope with the games that come with not being honest.

I now wish they had the courage to be honest way before it ended, neither of us were particularly happy with the situation we were in (unhappy jobs, stretched finances ect) but I thought regardless we still felt the same about each other and we were working on making those changes. I know that for them the only change in the year has been me, everything else is the same which is a bitter pill to swallow but at the same time I know they will still be struggling with the real things they weren’t happy about. I have completely changed my financial situation I didn’t need to waste my money in the pub like they did after we split and I was spending so much on 2 rents and travel before I even did anything with them. I didn’t worry about my shift pattern fitting in with their work anymore and was able to get the job I wanted and have met some really great people since. Maybe I wouldn’t have moved on had I still be struggling with everything else and knowing they were moving on to bigger and better that may have been much harder to deal with.

I found it needed to come from within, I don’t think anything they said helped it just added more questions and more resentment. I needed to find myself again and know who I was as me rather than us. It’s was hard with it being a long term relationship and it wasn’t just them I lost from the split, their family and the friends we had made as a couple. It did feel like all of that time and memories were a farce and I still feel that way, as they don’t want to be a part of my life anymore I couldn’t see a way that they could have helped me move forward from the split.

It is nice to see you do care but I am not sure how helpful you will be to them after making the decision to not have them in your life anymore whatever the reasons may be.

Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply. I recognized a lot of the things you wrote as sounding familiar to my ex, and I really appreciate you taking the time and energy to respond, especially so frankly about something that seems like it was really painful for you.

I thought I understood my ex really well, but maybe what they need now is to heal and grow in ways that do not involve me, to move forward. The last thing I want to do is make things more confusing for them. I will continue to think about it, and maybe keep my distance. 

Thanks again, and best wishes to you on your own journey. Stay safe and healthy!

Also thinking about your last section, did you let your ex know along the way when you were feeling the way you were or are you also guilty of muddling through and not saying anything. I do think regardless to weather we can or can’t see these feelings if the communication isn’t there too then it’s really difficult to work out where this has come from.

Did you say when you were feeling like you were not getting what you needed? I just wonder that if I had been able to have these conversations along the way I would have either tried to do just that or realised it’s something I can’t do and would have made it easier to see that unfold infront of me rather than not really seeing that as a problem.

If you are guilty of doing this then acknowledging this with your ex I think could help them see that as much as yes they may have struggled to work out your feelings but you were also guilty of not showing that and being completely honest. It’s may help them realise where it wasn’t working and why, but then it may also cause frustration as they may feel if they had known you felt those ways at different times they could have done something differently. Ultimately it’s always going to be a tough situation and only you know will know what feels right for you moving forward.

Sorry for all the replies - definitely a thread I can relate to haha! Stay safe and stay healthy! 

Also thinking about your last section, did you let your ex know along the way when you were feeling the way you were or are you also guilty of muddling through and not saying anything. I do think regardless to weather we can or can’t see these feelings if the communication isn’t there too then it’s really difficult to work out where this has come from.

Did you say when you were feeling like you were not getting what you needed? I just wonder that if I had been able to have these conversations along the way I would have either tried to do just that or realised it’s something I can’t do and would have made it easier to see that unfold infront of me rather than not really seeing that as a problem.

If you are guilty of doing this then acknowledging this with your ex I think could help them see that as much as yes they may have struggled to work out your feelings but you were also guilty of not showing that and being completely honest. It’s may help them realise where it wasn’t working and why, but then it may also cause frustration as they may feel if they had known you felt those ways at different times they could have done something differently. Ultimately it’s always going to be a tough situation and only you know will know what feels right for you moving forward.

Sorry for all the replies - definitely a thread I can relate to haha! Stay safe and stay healthy!