I'm really bad at staying in touch with family and friends

Me too, I've almost completely isolated myself from friends and family, I only really have proper contact with my sons, I do work and I have lots of friends there because I've become a brilliant actor and most of them probably think I'm perfectly normal, but I'm very careful not let those freindships grow outside of work, nobody ever comes to see me, and I never go to see anyone, because I made it that way, and I came off social media many years ago so I can stay off everyone's radar, it's a bit sad I know, and I wish I wasn't like this, but I do it to shield myself from dissapointment and expectation, it's a way of coping, but it's a lonely world I've made for myself, that's partly why I came here, to read of similar people, and share my experience, and not feel alone.

Hiya - sorry to hear about your nan.

I completely relate to this. I find it incredibly difficult to stay in contact with friends or family and like yourself have lost many freindships. I do care about my family and freinds but I don’t have the need to speak with them. I have to make a huge effort to try and remain in contact. I have one really great friend who has ADHD so is similar to me. I stay in contact with them the most and have pretty good routine going with this. I am perfectly happy with a few freindships (2) lol as this is manageable. I feel the same that this is probably quite frustrating for others and particularly myself. I have tried to change but I feel like I understand it’s a part of who I am so when I do contact people or speak to them I actually tell them that they are very important to me and that even tho I may not speak to them often I am always thinking about them.

I had the same experience with my nan who died around 7 years ago. I was very close with her when I was young. I did fly to visit her a lot during uni but in her last years I only spoke to her a few times and it does make me feel angry with myself that I didn’t speak to her more. I did have a good relationship with her and have lots of great memories expressing how much we mean to each other. I know that she knew that I cared about her.  I wrote about her and read it out at the funeral which I think helped alot even though it was scary.  

take care ! 

pathological demand avoidance  ,well i suppose it is just a label ,but it does explain why i do the things i do. It helps in that i understand myself and that takes the pressure off a bit  and the confusion away .Yes i still feel a confusing mix of anxiety ,anger and feelings that i can't label or understand but i can ride through theses because i know why , Basically i feel like s--t when there is pressure on me to do something ,that can be from someone else or more so from me feeling i should do it . never get things finished, so hard to start stuff ,never been able to keep a job . It effects your whole life . My son is a classic example kicked out of school after a couple of weeks . What seems to happen is they don't get a asd diagnosis because thay are sociable but just get labelled as trouble makers . Personally i think it is something to do with a mixture of alexithymia and anxiety response [well for me anyway]. I was talking to a senco from a private school recently ,[where half the pupils where asd] ,she said " the only ones i can't help are pda " . Do a yahoo search there is a section on this web site which gives some useful info. Things that help for me are ,realising this is who i am.

Me too; I’m the type of person who finds managing relationships difficult 

Can you explain a little more of what PDA is? What helped you? Appreciate your response. 

Hi would just like to say theses problems with staying in touch ,can be  PDA  ,The demand of following the norm ,the pressure we put on ourselves . Worth looking into as it gave me alot of answers .

This is kind of a sticky one for me. I was undiagnosed through childhood and young adulthood, diagnosed 7 months ago at 51.  With the exception of my mother, and a few other relatives I was often treated like an outcast.  I was somewhat accepted as a child but from 11 on not so much. I was labeled “weird”,”awkward”, “sensitive”,”blunt” to name a few. I never felt like I belonged, even with my own 2 siblings, of which Ive lived 5 minutes away from over the past 30 years. We rarely make contact or see each other since my mother passed. They keep in touch with each other regularly but rarely include me unless it’s an emergency about our elderly father. I’ve told them about my diagnosis about being on the spectrum but that has not changed anything, if anything it’s seems to make them shun me more. But then again if they accepted me would I keep in touch with them regularly?? Probably not. As I prefer to be with my husband and kids, and my thoughts and alone most of the time. So that’s a hard one to answer.

If it wasn’t for my routine of cleaning my fathers apartment weekly, I wouldn’t see him as often. 

As for friends, I’ve rarely made any new friends since high school. Even then it was a small circle of friends. 2 yrs ago, 4 of us started a group chat that is still going. I’m the least to chime in, most times I’ll have to push myself to leave a comment. Not that I don’t care about them, I just don’t sense their need to hear from me, cause I’m good not hearing from them. I also have one on in one text chats weekly with a couple friends. It sometimes gets awkward but I’m glad it’s texting and not really face to face socializing as that would drain me. I’m married now for close to 32 years and my (non autistic) husband is really all I need. And I take alot of breaks from him too. 

Hey there, 

I do often have a similar fear. I'm currently a student studying abroad. My parents mentioned I  don't message enough. I feel bad and do try but often fall back into my old ways.  I often set a schedule for things, but I don't want to message them everyday at the same time because it would be unnatural. My bf mentioned he had experienced something similar with me in the past, so I know my parents are not the only ones to experience this. Honestly, I am going to do better, bit sometimes I wish I didn't get so caught up in the present. 

Hey

I think the pandemic has definitely taken some pressure off - I do feel a lot less pressured to go out now.

Haha, that sounds like my Grandma - it took her long enough to get used to texting  

lol, it started with "it's the broken promises you make...  " aargh 

BTW I love the small observations and revelations that are made in these threads. This is exactly like me, yesterday I went and did all kinds of chores for an hour because my partner was on the phone in the living room and i wanted to block it out.

Yeah, I've got to be honest, the pandemic hasn't really affected how often I see people normally. In fact, I've found it quite nice not having to come up with excuses for not seeing some people. I feel like when I've been social it takes a long time to recharge before I'm ready to do it again, if that makes sense. 

The writing an email part made me laugh, because with my nana I'd have to have first explained to her what an email was. She was so clueless with technology we just gave up long ago trying to get her anything more complicated than a basic mobile phone. :D

Thanks for your reply

Thanks for the reply, and don't worry I didn't see the mistake!

I guess it is the broken promises really, because I really don't feel the need to stay in touch, I just feel like that is what is expected of me.

My partner has hour-long phone calls with his family and friends on a daily basis. Sometimes they call more than one a day so they are on the phone for hours. I have to go in the other room because I can't deal with hearing half a conversation or with somebody talking for that long. Whereas I struggle to keep a phone conversation going for more than a few minutes before I either start repeating myself or going onto completely unrelated topics (usually along the lines of "oh, did you know this random fact that i learnt today").

For years I tried hard to 'be normal' and thought I was accepted as an equal but  later found I wasn't seen the same from other people's viewpoint sand had wasted years trying to fit in so I no longer bother trying now.

Only my dogs get my unconditional love. My parents died many years ago. I have a sibling who was much younger than me when our mother died and I had promised our mum I'd always look out for him,so in honour of my mums memory I always try to keep in touch and meetup with them for birthdays and xmas. Also visit a step parent because I believe my dad would have wanted me to (she's now in her 70's and has also been having to isolate).

Other than this I feel no such commitment to anyone else. I used to but then found out when they had an important life event I wasn't even important enough to them to be one of the first to be told before it was announced on social media so I immediately emotionally disconnected, they are just an acqaintance to be tolerated now like a necessary medical appointment I can't get out of. I feel no guilt as they cut me off first when their actions proved they no longer saw me as their best friend.

I've found my belief's and reactions have become more extreme as I've got older (now in 50's) I don't know if its linked with how severe a persons autism was originally in childhood? or just made worse by hormonal shifts due to the menopause or having 'multiple me's' (DID)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping in touch with people can be really difficult, especially when other factors (like the pandemic) get in the way. 

I know it's easy to say, but please try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm sure your nan knew how much you loved her. Communicating is something that might not come naturally to you, but it doesn't mean you don't care.

If you're looking for ways to help you stay in touch with people more often, it might help to set a reminder in your calendar to contact them? If you're not feeling comfortable with a phone call or a face-to-face visit that day, you could perhaps write them a letter, text/email them, or send them a card.

I also want to end by saying there's nothing wrong with you - we're all different and we all communicate in different ways. 

Sorry to hear about your Nan dying. It brings a lot of feelings to the surface when someone passes away.   I cried a lot when my nan died. Random times like walking down the road.  Don't underestimate the need to grieve, to miss her and to let it out. 

Based on your account, you're better at keeping in touch than I am. First, every family (autistic or not) have their own interpretation of how often to keep in touch with one another. My partner speaks to their family every day.  I'm comfortable with once a fortnight or less.  My grandparents are dead, but I only used to see mine once or twice a year or less. I somehow fell somewhere between the maximum and minimum level of contact that was the family norm.

I wonder if it's the broken "promises"you make with yourself and / or family members that makes you feel so bad, rather than the fact that you don't need to see them much or you don't get round to it very often. 

With friends, I am really bad at keeping in touch and I think I let them down because there is an invisible unspoken contract different to the family one.  They expect me to contact them more often. Time just seems to pass very quickly before I'm prompted.  I have a very good memory, so it takes a long time for me to miss someoene and want to see them again. Seeing them too often would just overwhelm me with impressions and crowd my mind.  That's why i don't have any friends. 

**I made a terrible copy/ paste error earlier and only pasted the second half of what i had typed. I hope I didn't upset you ( the message started mid-way through a comment and it seemed like i didn't care about your bereavement) I corrected it now.