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I'm really bad at staying in touch with family and friends

AJ

Content warning: loss / grief

So, as the title goes, I'm really bad at keeping in touch with family and friends. I'm not sure if this is an autistic thing (I'm awaiting assessment) although I'm sure this kind of struggle isn't unheard of in the autism community. 

I don't know why it is, but I can go for months without speaking to family and friends, even though I do care about them very much. I've lost many friends over the years and been berated by family for not keeping in touch, and it's not even that I don't want to stay in touch. There have been many times when I have tried to be more proactive but I eventually fall back into my default state; sometimes because the process of changing my ways is so exhausting, or perhaps I just plain forget or get distracted by other things that have diverted my focus. This type of reverting back isn't unique to this situation, either, literally anything I try to change about myself inevitable fails this way (even simple things like trying to remember to brush my teeth every day).

About 10 years ago my granddad passed away from cancer - we had known for a while that it was coming so it wasn't a shock. We were really close when I was younger, and he was responsible for encouraging a lot of my interests (especially trains and coin collecting), but I had not spoken to him for at least a couple of months and this absolutely devastated me knowing that I would not get to speak to him again.

He was the first of my close relatives to pass away, so it took me a long time to properly recover from that, and I vowed that this would never happen again. 

Now, today I received news that one of my nans has passed away, and while I am once again devastated I am really angry at myself because again I had not spoken to them in months and hadn't even visited since last summer. I forgot to visit them at Christmas and had to call up to apologise and promised to visit soon, then obviously Covid happened before I got chance to go around.

I like to stay in my own little bubble, but I am honestly sick and tired of this aspect of myself. I still have two grandparents in their 80s, and my parents are both in their 60s, nobody is getting any younger and I just don't know how to break out of this cycle.

Over the years this inability to stay in touch with people is the biggest problem I have that makes me stop and say "what is wrong with me?"

Parents

  • I'm so sorry for your loss. Keeping in touch with people can be really difficult, especially when other factors (like the pandemic) get in the way. 

    I know it's easy to say, but please try not to be so hard on yourself. I'm sure your nan knew how much you loved her. Communicating is something that might not come naturally to you, but it doesn't mean you don't care.

    If you're looking for ways to help you stay in touch with people more often, it might help to set a reminder in your calendar to contact them? If you're not feeling comfortable with a phone call or a face-to-face visit that day, you could perhaps write them a letter, text/email them, or send them a card.

    I also want to end by saying there's nothing wrong with you - we're all different and we all communicate in different ways. 

  • in reply to DuckBread

    Yeah, I've got to be honest, the pandemic hasn't really affected how often I see people normally. In fact, I've found it quite nice not having to come up with excuses for not seeing some people. I feel like when I've been social it takes a long time to recharge before I'm ready to do it again, if that makes sense. 

    The writing an email part made me laugh, because with my nana I'd have to have first explained to her what an email was. She was so clueless with technology we just gave up long ago trying to get her anything more complicated than a basic mobile phone. :D

    Thanks for your reply

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  • in reply to DuckBread

    Yeah, I've got to be honest, the pandemic hasn't really affected how often I see people normally. In fact, I've found it quite nice not having to come up with excuses for not seeing some people. I feel like when I've been social it takes a long time to recharge before I'm ready to do it again, if that makes sense. 

    The writing an email part made me laugh, because with my nana I'd have to have first explained to her what an email was. She was so clueless with technology we just gave up long ago trying to get her anything more complicated than a basic mobile phone. :D

    Thanks for your reply

Children