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I'm really bad at staying in touch with family and friends

AJ

Content warning: loss / grief

So, as the title goes, I'm really bad at keeping in touch with family and friends. I'm not sure if this is an autistic thing (I'm awaiting assessment) although I'm sure this kind of struggle isn't unheard of in the autism community. 

I don't know why it is, but I can go for months without speaking to family and friends, even though I do care about them very much. I've lost many friends over the years and been berated by family for not keeping in touch, and it's not even that I don't want to stay in touch. There have been many times when I have tried to be more proactive but I eventually fall back into my default state; sometimes because the process of changing my ways is so exhausting, or perhaps I just plain forget or get distracted by other things that have diverted my focus. This type of reverting back isn't unique to this situation, either, literally anything I try to change about myself inevitable fails this way (even simple things like trying to remember to brush my teeth every day).

About 10 years ago my granddad passed away from cancer - we had known for a while that it was coming so it wasn't a shock. We were really close when I was younger, and he was responsible for encouraging a lot of my interests (especially trains and coin collecting), but I had not spoken to him for at least a couple of months and this absolutely devastated me knowing that I would not get to speak to him again.

He was the first of my close relatives to pass away, so it took me a long time to properly recover from that, and I vowed that this would never happen again. 

Now, today I received news that one of my nans has passed away, and while I am once again devastated I am really angry at myself because again I had not spoken to them in months and hadn't even visited since last summer. I forgot to visit them at Christmas and had to call up to apologise and promised to visit soon, then obviously Covid happened before I got chance to go around.

I like to stay in my own little bubble, but I am honestly sick and tired of this aspect of myself. I still have two grandparents in their 80s, and my parents are both in their 60s, nobody is getting any younger and I just don't know how to break out of this cycle.

Over the years this inability to stay in touch with people is the biggest problem I have that makes me stop and say "what is wrong with me?"

Parents

  • For years I tried hard to 'be normal' and thought I was accepted as an equal but  later found I wasn't seen the same from other people's viewpoint sand had wasted years trying to fit in so I no longer bother trying now.

    Only my dogs get my unconditional love. My parents died many years ago. I have a sibling who was much younger than me when our mother died and I had promised our mum I'd always look out for him,so in honour of my mums memory I always try to keep in touch and meetup with them for birthdays and xmas. Also visit a step parent because I believe my dad would have wanted me to (she's now in her 70's and has also been having to isolate).

    Other than this I feel no such commitment to anyone else. I used to but then found out when they had an important life event I wasn't even important enough to them to be one of the first to be told before it was announced on social media so I immediately emotionally disconnected, they are just an acqaintance to be tolerated now like a necessary medical appointment I can't get out of. I feel no guilt as they cut me off first when their actions proved they no longer saw me as their best friend.

    I've found my belief's and reactions have become more extreme as I've got older (now in 50's) I don't know if its linked with how severe a persons autism was originally in childhood? or just made worse by hormonal shifts due to the menopause or having 'multiple me's' (DID)

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  • For years I tried hard to 'be normal' and thought I was accepted as an equal but  later found I wasn't seen the same from other people's viewpoint sand had wasted years trying to fit in so I no longer bother trying now.

    Only my dogs get my unconditional love. My parents died many years ago. I have a sibling who was much younger than me when our mother died and I had promised our mum I'd always look out for him,so in honour of my mums memory I always try to keep in touch and meetup with them for birthdays and xmas. Also visit a step parent because I believe my dad would have wanted me to (she's now in her 70's and has also been having to isolate).

    Other than this I feel no such commitment to anyone else. I used to but then found out when they had an important life event I wasn't even important enough to them to be one of the first to be told before it was announced on social media so I immediately emotionally disconnected, they are just an acqaintance to be tolerated now like a necessary medical appointment I can't get out of. I feel no guilt as they cut me off first when their actions proved they no longer saw me as their best friend.

    I've found my belief's and reactions have become more extreme as I've got older (now in 50's) I don't know if its linked with how severe a persons autism was originally in childhood? or just made worse by hormonal shifts due to the menopause or having 'multiple me's' (DID)

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