I've posted before about my boyfriend disappearing from me and our son, and ignoring me completely. Probably due to conflict his mum is causing (trying to cause issues in our relationship so we can't be together). He often goes off for a few days when struggling but this time it had reached 4 weeks.
He works with my family and the other day my mum approached him when he was alone and confronted him (in a nice way). She asked if he wants to see our son but is struggling to contact me as he has left it so long he doesnt know how to approach me. He said that was right. She offered to arrange for me to bring our son over that day for him to see and he was really happy. She asked if he would prefer me to just drop our son off or if he wanted to stay too. He said I should come. I acted completely normal, didnt mention anything that's gone on. But he was so different with me, didnt make eye contact, put his head down and stopped talking much when I was near by and he didnt talk to me. When he left I just nicely said he could message me any time he wanted to see our son and he said he would do.
That evening he messaged my mum saying thank you, he needed the push as he never knows how to resolves something or make the first step. She replied offering to arrange more visits with our son and he told her he was fine to message me now the awkward bit was over. He then opened my unread messages the next day (which were only brief updates on our son). A few more days passed so I sent a short message saying "hi hope you're well. Let me know any time you would like to see ***". But he hasn't even read it.
So. I am thinking, do I just approach him like my mum did. As he said to her he needed the push and cant make the first step. I could wait until he is alone and just try to talk in a nice calm voice and being careful not to upset him or let on how upset I am. Or will that likely push him further away? Maybe he wont handle me approaching him as he cares about me whereas he doesnt so much with my mum?
The other option is, I could approach his mum and try to resolve the conflict by showing her the affect this has on her son. Then we can maybe let him know things are fine between us and the conflict is resolved. But I would have to show her his messages to me where he opened up about his mum. Which would upset her and I've shown confidential messages he sent me. So would he then hate me for it?
I know no one has the answers or a definite solution. But I cant sit and do nothing anymore, it's making me ill worrying and missing him etc. But without fully understanding an aspies mind I dont want to do anything that could make things worse. Thank you
I am no expert but I find that breaking a confidence always backfires.
Wifey and I am binge watch a Netflix series called Scorpian and the technical stuff is comic and laughable but the inter relationship between Page, a 'human' and a bunch of 'geniuses' is quite interesting as they try to have a relationship between three couples. Never is and never will be easy.
I apologise if this is a bit blunt.
From what you say, he seems overwhelmed with the whole life / relationship / fatherhood / you / baby situation - so he's frozen - too many choices and too much pressure to perform..
I get the feeling that he'd rather back out of the responsibility of his own life. He's got serous regrets over decisions taken in haste and he's hiding from you. He's not even asking to see your child. I'd say your mum is the best go-between at the moment - I think you'd cause him to clam up.
I suspect that if your mum asked him the right questions, he'd say he'd rather not be in a relationship with anyone - it's all too much for him - but I think he'd notionally like to see the baby. Unfortunately, once he gets a free pass to step away from you, he would find excuses not to see the baby either. I'd guess 'real life' is too hard and he's wanting to become a child again.
How much of your life are you prepared to sacrifice for him? Do you think he will ever be a father to your child? As the child grows, their emotional demands might be more than he can deliver which will be disappointing.
You might also want to think about your own needs - you can't be in a relationship with the invisible man. He's literally not there - so you might want to think about moving on and finding someone more reliable.
I'd let others answer with their views to see what they think.
Hope it all works out for you.
Thank you for your honest answer. I have often wondered if he wants things to end with me and cant bring himself to tell me. But it's always him wanting more. I've never put any pressure on him to spend much time here as I know he needs his own space, I wait for him to ask to visit. I even asked if he would find things easier if we were just friends or if I stepped away completely. He rejected that and spent days trying to make sure I didnt back away from him.
He was the first to mention having feelings for me and wanting more. He told me our son is his world and that when he is stressed/depressed, seeing him is the only thing that can end his bad mood. He is so at ease when with me and our son. His own family even said that when he is around me it's like his aspergers disappears. He told me he has always wanted a proper family and happy relationship but never imagined it was possible before me. He said I'm the first person he can he himself around and feel 'normal' and he feels I understand him more than others ever has. Im the first he has opened up to about his aspergers struggles too. He told me he wants a future with me and wouldnt jeopardise it for anything in the world. He always messages ask to spend time here
I think the problem is the conflict with his mum who is very controlling, uses his aspergers to emotionally control him. And she made it clear she wants him to avoid a relationship and not have our son. (I will add he already has a 9 year old who he has stay regularly so it's not fear of fatherhood). His mum was upsetting me a lot and he said he couldnt stand knowing I was upset but couldnt stand up to his mum and see her upset. So he then withdrew. Perhaps to save me from being hurt by his mum anymore or he cant see a way out of the conflict. Or maybe he has overwhelmed himself getting too close to me and is now scared of the relationship progressing
Thank you. I did think breaking a confidence was probably the worst idea. It took him a long time to open up to me
Do you know how his first relationship ended? Is his mum 'protecting' him from being hurt in the same way?
His ex was abusive, both emotionally any physically. Then she cheated on him and told him it was his fault for not being loving enough. His mum forced him to stay with her for 5 years rather than walk away from his daughter so now the mum feels guilty for putting him through that. His anxiety/depression and aspergers have become more of an issue since that relationship so she feels it ruined his life. The mum told me her fear is that he cant handle a relationship and me/him would break up and I would stop contact with our son like his ex did. And she cant cope with the stress of it again. She doesnt actually care about her son, she is horrible about him. Doesnt understand his aspergers at all, calls him heartless, emotionless and selfish etc. Says he deserves to be in prison as he cant live a normal life
Then I don't understand - if she's so nasty to him, why does he take that crap from her?
I think you need to talk to him about his world, how he views people and ask him how he would prefer to interact with all the people in his life and ask him what his worries are - who is he most afraid of disappointing and how he needs to live. Get him to explain what plans he would like to make. If things are done without pressure or expectation or any emotion, you should see the logic of his mind in operation - the priorities he feels and who he wants to be around. It's when our logic causes mental conflict that we don't operate well.
Do you have your own place together or are you bouncing between parents?
He wont stand up to her because she immediately cries (knowing that he can't cope with that). Or she contacts his ex and causes issues with him seeing his daughter. I have my own place. He was living with his parents temporarily (another reason he didnt stand up to his mum), but moved to his own place around 2 months a go. We agreed living together would be too much too soon with having so many other big changes like our son being born, and he still needs his own space a lot. I will try and talk to him in the way you've said. Just not sure how when he wont talk to me. Thank you for all your replies