Eye contact

(I have a lot of info to give but am only good at saying it when I think no-one is looking, I have learned from being upon this Forum...)

(I hate chat but I am still here but see this!) Um... no "apologise" necessary... as You say this, then this is the next uncomfortable step: Explaining that because You are Autistic then that is why You are not comfortable with extended Eye contact. If the person does not want to understand that then... um... well, I Myself would either give that person a little time to do so or just try not to interact with them.

You mention yet another aspect, however: "heightened circumstances" (!!!). This is another Autism thing, not often mentioned, whe-hey (!). Extreme Emotions are also difficult for us to tolerate. Lastly, Autistic Persons actually experience Emotions *very intensely* which is why most of us act as if unemotional or trying to shut them out. 

...Not sure what else to say, now - I am now doing My often done thing of asking for someone else to back Me up, now... Good Luck, certainly... sorry... *whimper*... (!) 

Thank you for your advise, I can only apologise; I looked for a search box but couldn't find it and after looking at three pages of messages I couldn't find an easier way of looking for similar topics. I hadn't realised or noticed it in the menu section, so thank you for informing me.

For me, it's not a case of how much or how little eye contact, it's the fact that it's uncomfortable when I try during heightened circumstances. Ordinarily I haven't noticed it be a problem. 

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NAS61718 said:

got any strategies that I could try?

Greetings. As You infer... With Autistics "eye contact" is sometimes said to be painful. Also lack of eye contact is officially used as one of the diagnostic signs of Autism. Some advice for avoiding "staring" at others, is to look at one eye and then at the other eye and then at the mouth... and then repeat that. 

I have said this in previous Threads... yet You say this:

NAS61718 said:

reading through some of the threads I completely relate.

There was, not a week before, another Thread with the exact same title of "Eye contact":

https://community.autism.org.uk/f/miscellaneous-and-chat/18546/eye-contact/

If You can scroll down to look at the "related" section, or use the "search" box (An Icon of Three lines, top right at the Home Screen), then You will see a *lot* of other Threads about this topic exactly which give even more answers.

...Lastly... if You have no 'official' diagnosis then, yes, that makes things a lot harder - that is, actual facts may be taken as not relating to You --- Often if a person has the traits of Autism but not an official statement of it, then they are not taken seriously. I would advise trying very hard to get a diagnosis, though given current events that is 'up in the air' right now. Try for it as soon as the calender says "December", or something (!) and meantime gather as much evidence about Your own Autism as You can.

Personally I try to make some eye contact now and then, just slightly more above my comfort zone. It's not an exact science but I would say 0% eye contact or 100% eye contact are both too much or too little

I also don't have a diagnosis, but I have always been aware that I have issues with eye contact.

I'm terrible at conversation anyway, so often look away while thinking what to say, but when it comes to one on one situational like interviews or meetings I usually find myself devoting an awful lot of time worrying about whether in making too much eye contact, or not enough, or if I'm doing it right, or maybe I should look away for a minute in case it's getting creepy.

Usually when I've ended up in an argument the other person will ask why I'm not even looking at them. I think I find out easier to think that way, like it's less distracting.

I don't know if eye contact comes naturally to most people, or if everybody is making a conscious effort, I just know that it feels really awkward for me.

Thank you, that's really helpful. I hadn't considered that a doctor or CBT may be able to help. 

I just find it so so frustrating that something so seemingly simple is so difficult to do but equally as frustrating is the idea that it's even needed!

I’m sorry you're having a difficult time. It is difficult to get others to understand. I have known for a long time that I'm autistic but nobody helped to get me diagnosed until I did myself. I am 22 now and got my diagnosis in March along with my dyslexia and other learning difficulties diagnosis. 

I'm lucky because my 5 year old brother and 3 year old sister are both autistic so my mam understands. But my older sister refuses to acknowledge the ASD diagnosis and so does a few people in my family such as my grandad. Most people forget that adults are and will continue to be autistic, you don't just stop having gun autism at the age of 18 and should know how to ‘act normal’ by then. This is my normal. 

If it is an issue you could talk to your doctor and they may be able to refer you to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help train your focus for Eye Contact. But don't feel like you have to do this, I am finally learning to just be who I have to be, as I said, eye contact is painful for me, physically and mentally. I get a stabbing pain in the front of my head telling me to break eye contact and continues until I do look away. Not sure if its physical or in my head. But others are starting to deal with it and realise I can't help doing it.

I hope this helps a little more, and don't worry, there’s plenty of support when you need it from here and other professionals like doctors

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Thank you for your response, I haven't really noticed during calmer moments any issues with eye contact, no one has ever called me out for it. But my partner does during arguments or if I'm emotional for whatever reason, or if the topic of conversation is difficult, she asks me to look at her, I'm evidently not doing so at the time as she wouldnt otherwise say. And then conversation moves on to eye contact and it went move on until I've at least looked at her for very brief moment. I don't know why it is an issue for her, or me, but it is becoming one :( and I have no idea how to solve the problem x

I understand you. I struggle with eye contact and its usually a selective eye contact than constant. I don't keep eye contact for long as I am unsure of whether or not I'm supposed to look at the other person for too long or not. I told the diagnostic team when asked about eye contact that I'll Try and make eye contact but it feels painful for me to keep the eye contact. Under stressful situations I’m a lot worse. If i am interested in something else such as a movie or show, i wont look at the person talking to me. 

I don't feel like I want to conform to societies expectations of eye contact due to the fact it is genuinely an issue and hurts to try to keep up the act. 

I am unsure if i have answered your question but it might give you an idea of how it is for other too. 

I'm not surprised, it's hard enough under normal circumstances, never mine when someone is coming up close staring you in the eye.

I'm the same, I do t understand it either. Hes now lost his wife and business. Was it worth it. But anyway the eye thing was freaky I wanted to run

That's really bad, what is the point? I really don't get it, I don't understand the drug thing either but I suppose everyone has their reasons.

I had someone come right in my face staring in my eyes I frowned then said your so weird.....later fund out hes on coke so I guess he was high. He made me super uncomfortable

Thank you for replying, do you ever come across a situation where people demand it of you? How do you deal with that? 

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i'm not brilliant with eye contact normally but under stress it is extra difficult.