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Tips for talking to your partner?

AJ

Posting on this forum is the first time I've ever shared my concerns with anybody else, after many many years of wondering. I feel that this has been a great step for me, but I really think my partner deserves to know what I am going through, or about to be going through if I push for a diagnosis.

I've been married for two and a half years, but we've been together for about eight years altogether. I realise that there might be things that they have noticed that I haven't, and annoying behaviours of mine that might make more sense with this context.

So, as per the title of the thread, does anybody have any tips for speaking to their partner when you think you may be autistic?

I guess the same goes for speaking with family, as I'm sure my parents may have some insight to share too.

PS: I've found the comments on my introduction thread really encouraging, so thank you all for that, it means a lot. :) 

  • in reply to AJ

    Maybe once things have cooled down use it as a stepping stone...

  • So, I had been doing some research and planning yesterday with the intention of broaching the subject today... But instead we've had an argument because they were looking for something and I didn't get up and help them look for it (I didn't think I needed to), and that spiraled into being told that I never show enough affection, so I changed my mind about bringing it up.

    This seems ironic. Maybe I'll try later.

  • in reply to AJ

    Yeah I kind of wrapped up my comment because I was too tired. To be honest, it's a lot of ups and downs. We've had rows and worse. 

    On one hand my partner now sees some of the patterns and reasons for my anxieties and knows now that they are not melodrama. 

    On the other hand my partner still sees me as the broken one and uses a lot of language that implies I can go and get fixed. The outlook for that, well, forget it.

    Generally, though, we find a place to meet. The other day we had a row because I was away on a trip. My partner sent lots of messages like 'missing you loads' and 'wish you were here'. I didn't, but for the logical reason that I was working and their presence on the trip simply wouldnt be feasible or welcome. They didn't belong in that situation, therefore I didn't miss them. But we talked about it and I thought of some other true statements I could use.

    On the other hand, my partner gets no bull**** from me and complete honesty.

    We're still working on it. Sorry I have wandered away from the topic of bringing it up, but really this is still brand new to us.

    I've had assessments, a diagnosis, the magic words High Functioning thrown in which means, off you go, see you never, no support unless you get severely mentally ill. 

  • in reply to Plectrum

    Yeah, I do worry that they will think I'm being silly, but I do know that they have noticed I've been feeling down lately, which I typically shrug off as being tired or something, so I'll probably use that as an entry point into a conversation about what I think is bothering me.

  • in reply to moggsy

    Oh I definitely struggle to explain things, even if I plan out the conversation in advance (they never go as planned!). 

    I've not actually watched that documentary, I suppose I should do that!

  • Hi AJ, I don't have a diagnosis but believe I'm somewhere on the spectrum. I just said to my partner one day after having read tania marshall for the 1000th time, "do you think I do XYZ?" and it opened up discussion. It was a massive moment for me. We have gone over it and bsck to it dozens of times. It was quite difficult at first as he would say "yeah but I do that too" and we would fall out. I felt I couldn't get my point across without him shutting it down in this way. I find it difficukt yo explain thungs aloud which are in my head. But now I realise he didn't really know what to say. He is very supportive. I've no idea how to approach it with my parents though. A family member is going through the diagnostic process and my mum said this family member "is one of the autisticals. ...well she was always a bit funny". So I'm still working out how to approach it.

  • Hi Aj, I told my partner one day after I'd suffered a downturn in my mental health and the point where I knew I needed to see a professional.  The cbt / coaching approach didn't work and I realised that there was a huge force, like my own life force, pushing back against the coaching. This was not normal resistance but something that felt positive and creative as well as negative and anxious. 

    I showed my partner a blank autism /pda questionnaire and said I fitted some of the questions but I didn't show my answers. I just offered them the questionnaire to read as if answering on my behalf.

    My partner agreed that I fitted the pda profile. I was surprised how immediate that was. Then I got assessed some time later and found it was aspergers syndrome all along. 

    My partner was pretty relieved to know it and have a guideline for decoding me, so to speak. 

    Before the verdict was given I just avoided sounding too certain, ie self diagnosed, in case my partner thought I was exaggerating it but turned out that is a common aspie paranoia during the assessment anyway. 

    Sorry I can't write more but I'm falling asleep... 

  • Well, my partner was quite interested in the whole thing and it has certainly helped him to understand me even better than he did before. And I speak as someone who is lucky because he really "gets" me. I would say go for it. You might (like me) struggle to explain it all yourself, but if for example you can see parallels of yourself in something like Chris PAckhams autism and me documentary, it could be good to watch it together and discuss afterwards. Good luck! Knowing who you really are and why and especially having those close to you understand it is so nice.