Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all, I hope it's all right to post this, because it probably gets asked a lot.
I'm in my mid-30s now, but for as long as I can remember I've always felt different and I've never been able to pinpoint why. Several times over the years I've tried to "figure myself out" and on more than one occasion I've ended up researching autism but I have never gone any further than reading about it.
Apparently when I was a toddler I was very chatty but at some point I don't remember, probably around the time I started primary school, I became shy and withdrawn. I've had a lot of trouble over the years with people thinking I'm weird, and looking back now I can kind of see why. I self-analyse a lot, and focus too much on regrets that have no relevance today.
I've always liked meeting new people and having lots of friends, but I feel utterly incapable of maintaining friendships or even staying in touch with my own family regularly. I cannot hold a conversation unless the other person is doing most of the heavy lifting, and I've always hated touchy-feely things like hugging.
I have always been terrible at maths, even now I don't know my times tables and I can't do mental arithmetic beyond simple addition, and when I had a retail job I had to be extra careful counting change. Even Carol Vordeman videos and extra maths workbooks couldn't teach me. I'm actually a bit surprised that I never got diagnosed with a learning difficulty just based on that.
On the flip side of the maths issue, I've always been good with words and I apparently knew my alphabet before I started school (thanks to Blockbusters, according to my mum!), and I love games like Scrabble and crosswords, and I'm even writing a novel.
I used to have a lot of anxiety and had a generally negative outlook on life, and in around 2005 I started self-harming and when people started noticing I decided to see my doctor. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and referred to a psychologist. They really helped with some things and I'm much better at copying with stress, but I do wish I had told them everything - I didn't even tell them or my GP about the self-harm. I didn't wait to be discharged from the psychologist - I just stopped going (another regret).
When I'm put on the spot I get flustered immediately - even when I'm asked something I know about it's like every bit of knowledge in my brain suddenly becomes inaccessible to me. This was mainly a problem in school when I would then get accused of not paying attention, but it still happens occasionally in adult life too.
The main problem I have in adult life is that I find it difficult to focus on work and even on things I like doing, or I just have a problem sticking with things I'm working on. I much prefer having a plan in place for what I'm going to do, so with personal projects when I am the one calling the shots, so to speak, I am notorious for starting things and then abruptly dropping them leaving them half-finished. At work when I have set tasks to do, a simple distraction can derail me for the whole day - luckily we are still in a start of the year quiet period, but an inability to focus could be pretty bad when our workload gets larger and we are on tight deadlines.
This has turned into a bit of an essay, and I could probably type for hours with numerous examples, so I'd better stop.
I guess I feel a bit lost, and others have suggested I make an appointment with my GP, but I actually hate going to the doctors because I always feel like I'm not going to be taken seriously (I was actually called a hypochondriac once), and I kind of don't want to tie up valuable NHS resources that could be helping other people.
Thanks for listening (or reading, even)
Aha, thank you, although reading it back I think I just went off on a tangent for the entire post!
Reading this post is a bit like looking in a mirror for me.
I’m awful at maths, I needed special education lessons for that and I still never grasped it.
I write though, many attempts at writing novels. I am much better with words than I am with numbers, but not very good at understanding punctuation. I can use metaphors that i’ve Learnt the meaning of and come up with some of my own for things like poetry, yet if I try to read someone’s else’s poetry I can never seem to understand where they’re coming from. People have asked me what such and such a poet meant by “insert example here” and i often have no clue! They ask me cause I write my own as if I have a clue.
I self harmed as a teenager and still do sometimes now as an adult.
The only bit that I can’t relate to from your post, is the liking to meet new people bit. I don’t mind it too much if I know I have an easy escape if needed.... but I wouldn’t say I ‘like it’ though I don’t hate it as much as I used to as a kid.
Hi, welcome and thanks for your intro. You have a good narrative skill, I identify with a lot of what you say but I couldn't have put it into words myself. Especially work.... I hope we'll meet on some threads soon.
I have so many of these same issues! (though I'm actually pretty good at maths but my writing isn't so great)I have really struggled to kickstart my career and I've been on and off in counselling. It's a real struggle! I also drop projects midway through, I personally feel that for me it's a lack of confidence. Like I decide it's not worthwhile anymore. I would love to start going to my therapist again (she was awesome and autistic herself) but I can't afford it. She pointed out I was a perfectionist and I replied "wouldn't my work be far better if I was a perfectionist?" and she was like "yeah, you're a perfectionist". I just feel like there's no point in finishing anything once it gets to the point of no return and I'm like "hmmm this sucks".