Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey all,
I have since 10 months a very toxic relationship with my current boyfriend. He is also on the spectrum and was diagnosed a few years ago. I don't know if others (women) have similar problems here but whenever i'm in a romantic relationship i start to doubt why they are with me...and it has to be like in the fairytales, because to me, that's real love. I know deep down that love comes in all shapes and situations that we can't always plan but for some reason, my head tries to bring me back to a very black and white concept of what my partner should be and how our relationship should be. When i'm in a relationship, my autism seems to get very bad...and looks more like Borderline. I get attached to my partner straight away, and whenever something doesn't seem to add up of how i want it to be, i get panic attacks and anxiety and even to the point where i get aggressive. I'm a very kind hearted woman, soft and sensitive and i get so many emotions then, it stacks all up and i explode. I tend to get VERY bad OCD thoughts in my relationships.
For example, one of the things i struggle with at the moment is... That my boyfriend tried to date other women after he saw me ''once''. He said that he found me a very beautiful and interesting woman on first sight and he wanted to be with me but he said he thought he couldn't get me and that he was very unsure about himself, so he would keep on exploring on dating apps to find someone to date with. But what i don't understand is... Why didn't he try harder to contact me through social media? He said that was because he really wasn't sure about himself and that he thought i would think he is weird. (He always thought he was a weirdo in the past and low self esteem) that he thought he had to lower himself and be on the dating app to find people through this whom haven't judged him yet. I kinda understand this and i want to believe this, but my head tells me, i should only go for the fairytales and believe i was second best :(
The thing is that i'm so obsessed by these thoughts and other things he had done in the past or when i'm unsure of when it happend, that i keep asking him questions over and over again...because something in me tells me, he might not be telling the truth 100% or that people change, so he might change his mind at some point, or forget etc...So it's like everyday... i need to ask him questions, and repeat the same things over and over again until it fits in my head and my scripture of how i want it to be and then it relaxes me if he says something i want to hear...
And then the next day... i'm back to scratch... like the questions where never answered and i have to fill my head again with answers that sooth me and then i feel back at ease. Over and over again, and this for 10 months!
He has autism too so for him it's really hard to carry and for me too, cause i have constant fears and worries but we love each other... and we are both attached to each other.
I really don't know what to do... I just hope to find people who had/have similar situations and knowing that i'm not the odd one out in the autism community.
This happened in almost ALL my relationships to the point where it always had to end. I had a lot of things happen to me when i was very young, been cheated on often, lied to...and my mind doesn't want to forget this...it stacks up, it never vanishes... :'(
There seems to be a few things going on here. First and foremost, this is autism, our brains get stuck on things, they get stuck going around in ever decreasing circles, sometimes about things that we would rather not be thinking about, but on it goes. It is a complete pain in the brain!
You say that it is a toxic relationship. What has he done to make it toxic? Has either of you actually done anything to make it toxic or is it just these thoughts that are plaguing you?
Autistic people do tend to get attached very quickly, whether in a relationship or a friendship. We also have meltdowns which can be when lots of worries and concerns have built up and we just go BOOM! From experience, sometimes other people try to use this to make us look bad but actually it’s just a reaction to a bad situation. Sometimes perhaps we need help to manage situations better so that we don’t get to that point and sometimes other people put us in that situation and it’s unavoidable.
Perhaps your boyfriend isn’t very confident with women and is used to being rejected? That might explain why he didn’t Pursue you more after you had met once. He might have been worried that he would appear to eager or that you would not be interested and reject him didn’t want to put all of his eggs in one basket (metaphorically speaking) at that point in time, until he knew that you definitely were interested.
This situation sounds really difficult for you. Are you able to get help from anywhere to help you to manage this a bit more?
Yes, he told me the reason he did not approach me and add me to social media was because of his former relationships where he was hurt and rejected and he was almost 100% certain i would do the same. There was an aura about me, a confident aura (that's my mask cause i'm not confident) and he kinda knew this was not going to work out and thought i would never ever want him... Thus he kept on looking on dating apps to find people and he approached me finally 5 months later or so. The thing is, he did it... So i should be happy but instead, my mind keeps on dwelling about the things in between. As i have a low self esteem too i constantly fear i'm second best. Thanks again Kitsune for your wonderful message. It kinda helps putting things in perspective. I'm glad i posted this online. Maybe i should not be too hard on him. But indeed, the relationship itself is fine, he is such a good person, treats me very well. But the thoughts i have are very toxic :'(