Obsessive thoughts in romantic relationships

Thankyou for highlighting this. I’ve got similar problems afoot. I’ve read the replies on here too to try get an insight. I guess what me and you are doing is projecting and masking and fairytailing. The question has to be: Where is miss authenticity under all this disguise? What we both have to do is become our true selves. What stands out in all this is the fact ur fella thought your ‘mask’ was too unreachable for him. So why not be the more comfortable version of yourself, for both you and him. You’re living up to an ideal. 

So how do we find this elusive creature? The real you. The real me? I’m quite old, and after a lifetime of rollercoaster train wrecks I decided to take myself off and find out who I actually was. I came off social media and drove my travelling van to a completely isolated place in Cornwall. These were my questions, my quest: Who was I with no one looking? What would I do if no body was there?  What would I enjoy? Two years later I’m back in a relationship as my authentic self with an ‘unreachable’ man who is allowing himself to be authentic too. A year now. I’m amazed. However, more recently, all the old patterns you describe have just started to crowd back in. So I’ve pulled away for a few days, to re-find my centre. The scared child is panicking like fck, but this new solid part of me I found on that lonely beach, just knows it’ll be alright, and he’ll wait, or I’ll find someone even better. 

I write this four years after your post. I hope your fairytale crumbled and you became finally happy with who you are x 

Moonmaiden said:

Hey all,

Greetings, and please excuse any errors in my following guesses and estimations of your experience of things. 

Moonmaiden said:

I have since 10 months a very toxic relationship with my current boyfriend.

From what you go onto describe, and what Kitsune has already pointed out, it seems more likely that you have polluting aspects in your relationship, rather than as such having a toxic relationship.

Moonmaiden said:

He is also on the spectrum and was diagnosed a few years ago. I don't know if others (women) have similar problems here but whenever i'm in a romantic relationship i start to doubt why they are with me...

Both men and women at least on occasion to start with, through the course of or at the end of their relationships have doubts about either themselves or the other being in the relationship, and in terms of being autistic with a long history of social mishaps, this can as such lead to ‘catastrophic thinking’ patterns so that one ends up with a bit of “disaster~complex” on the go. 

Moonmaiden said:

and it has to be like in the fairytales, because to me, that's real love.

If you are imagining what real love love is by way of fairytales; you will at least by degree be missing out on what real love actually is and what it actually involves.

Fairytales were meant to serve as cautionary tales, or horror stories, with morals, ethics and reality checks to consider, so be extremely careful with the most horrific of them all ~ i.e., Disneys; where the cautionary considerations are toffeed and sugared frosted over and the hidden rotting and maggot ridden core renders a false likeness to love that instead involves a bitter sweet toxicity. 

Moonmaiden said:

I know deep down that love comes in all shapes and situations that we can't always plan but for some reason, my head tries to bring me back to a very black and white concept of what my partner should be and how our relationship should be.

You seem to be running the risk of neither as such fully recognising nor considering what is the case and imaging and narrating instead what is more not the case ~ creating thereby by degree a psychological dichotomy rather than so much enhancing emotionally by extent the romantic harmony of you and your partner's relationship.

Moonmaiden said:

When i'm in a relationship, my autism seems to get very bad...and looks more like Borderline. I get attached to my partner straight away, and whenever something doesn't seem to add up of how i want it to be, i get panic attacks and anxiety and even to the point where i get aggressive. I'm a very kind hearted woman, soft and sensitive and i get so many emotions then, it stacks all up and i explode. I tend to get VERY bad OCD thoughts in my relationships. 

This behavior is referred to as a parental role transfer where your Child ego-states integrate with the Parent ego-states of your Partner, making him a surrogate Parent and when not a surrogate Child, and by contrast your Parent ego-states integrate with the Child ego-states of your Partner, making you also a surrogate Parent and when not a surrogate Child. These are long since developed patterns of behavior, and hence then the immediate integration and attachment issues ~ given that the attachments are integrally more developed than your personal experience of the relationship.

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Obviously you can be more like one or both of your parents than your partner ever can be on a genetic level physiologically, and just as obviously your partner can be more like one or both of his parents, but psychologically and physiologically that results in an incestuous discord that you will both ultimately need to separate yourselves from, rather than living out the fantasy or delusion of each others or even both of your parents fairy tale perhaps.

Moonmaiden said:

For example, one of the things i struggle with at the moment is... That my boyfriend tried to date other women after he saw me ''once''.  He said that he found me a very beautiful and interesting woman on first sight and he wanted to be with me but he said he thought he couldn't get me and that he was very unsure about himself, so he would keep on exploring on dating apps to find someone to date with. But what i don't understand is... Why didn't he try harder to contact me through social media?

You are in a character role as such called Critical Parent, and also as such attempting to control your partner and make him become a compliant Child instead of having been unfaithful to you! A classic retort then as to why he did not try harder to contact you is that you did not tell him your telephone number nor that he was no longer single or free to date anyone else! 

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The reality here appears to be that you were both having confidence issues at the time and you need to respect that more in remembering he overcame and is overcoming some of his insecurities to be with you, just as you overcame and are overcoming some of yours to be with him.

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Congratulations by the way!

Moonmaiden said:

He said that was because he really wasn't sure about himself and that he thought i would think he is weird. (He always thought he was a weirdo in the past and low self esteem) that he thought he had to lower himself and be on the dating app to find people through this whom haven't judged him yet. I kinda understand this and i want to believe this, but my head tells me, i should only go for the fairytales and believe i was second best :( 

Do you see now why the Critical Parent in charge of fairytales can be the worst rather than anything close to the best!?

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It seems more that you are nerve quakingly gorgeous to him and he thought that you were well out of his league, but despite which and however many temptations he fought his fears and won out by getting it sorted romantically with you instead. There is is there not enough raw material in that architypally for a seriously robust long lasting functionally supportive fairytale ~ surely?

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I mean I really don't know as more an older type but young ladies these days really don’t know when they have it so good! 

Moonmaiden said:

The thing is that i'm so obsessed by these thoughts and other things he had done in the past or when i'm unsure of when it happend, that i keep asking him questions over and over again...because something in me tells me, he might not be telling the truth 100% or that people change, so he might change his mind at some point, or forget etc...So it's like everyday... i need to ask him questions, and repeat the same things over and over again until it fits in my head and my scripture of how i want it to be and then it relaxes me if he says something i want to hear... 

And then the next day... i'm back to scratch... like the questions where never answered and i have to fill my head again with answers that sooth me and then i feel back at ease. Over and over again, and this for 10 months!

He has autism too so for him it's really hard to carry and for me too, cause i have constant fears and worries but we love each other... and we are both attached to each other. 

Basically what you are going through experientially as such has little to do with your partner structurally speaking ~ as it involves a historical pattern of behaviour that resulted from your relationship with your parents, which involved also parental separation anxiety resulting in part or whole from birth trauma and or being overwhelmed by the fear of being in essence ‘left’ (abandoned) at play school, primary school and secondary school, and even tertiary education (college and or university etcetera) along with any other situation where anxiety over new or unfamiliar social environments and economies got structurally incorporated into the thematic content of your ‘life-story’, ‘fantasy’ or ‘fairytale’.

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Couples often as such get so familiar with their “Dream Guy or Gal” that when reality bites ~ usually after they have gotten serious or some years or decades later ~ they then realise they have been having a relationship with a stranger; one that got dressed up in a more or less complete costume disguise by way of and or for the other, when they could have instead been really and truly falling in love with the heartfelt reality of each other.

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Social masking or camouflaging can quite literally be a really tricky business.

Moonmaiden said:

I really don't know what to do... I just hope to find people who had/have similar situations and knowing that i'm not the odd one out in the autism community.

There is even the possibility that you might even have difficulty with not really being all that different from the vast majority of people on this matter, but of course you may well breath a great sigh of relief in that a great many people have found ways of solving the problems here as such discussed, and a good many books involving those resolving methodologies have been written.

Moonmaiden said:

This happened in almost ALL my relationships to the point where it always had to end. I had a lot of things happen to me when i was very young, been cheated on often, lied to...and my mind doesn't want to forget this...it stacks up, it never vanishes... :'( 

So as stated above this problem has very little to do with your partner as an individual himself, but has a lot more to do with the post traumatic shock syndrome of parental separation and association anxieties. One methodology for overcoming such or any anxiety is imagining that your nose and mouth are actually in your chest, and that your lungs are actually in your pelvis, and as such whilst breathing deeply, gently and evenly with each inhalation imagine that you are sucking your feet to the floor, and with each exhalation imagine you are rooting your feet into the ground. It is better to first learn this when you are calm, as it disassociates you from stressful and anxious feelings and thought-streams, and if you are walking or running it also improves your oxygenation and energy metabolization as such too.

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As also stated above regarding methodologies to resolve the issues you are contending with, there are two books you might find helpful from a Transactional Analysis perspective, with the first of which being:

Home Coming ~ Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child, by John Bradshaw.

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Using a wealth of practical techniques, informative case histories and unique questionnaires, John Bradshaw demonstrates how your wounded inner child may be causing you pain. You'll learn to gradually, safely, go back to reclaim and nurture that inner child - and literally help yourself grow up again. Homecoming shows you how to:
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Validate your inner child through meditations and affirmations
Give your child permission to break destructive family roles and rules
Adopt new rules allowing pleasure and honest self-expression
Deal with anger and difficult relationships
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Pay attention to your innermost purpose and desires...and find new joy and energy in living.

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https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/12124.Homecoming

And the second book of which being:

Partnering ~ A New Kind of Relationship, by Hal and Sidra L Stone.

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Famed therapists Hal and Sidra Stone show readers how to turn their relationships into true "joint ventures" - ones in which partners balance their need for relationship with their need for individuality, relinquish judgment and criticism, improve their decision-making and communication abilities, celebrate their sensuality and sexuality, and include children in their lives without sacrificing their own relationship. The Stones' greatest contribution has been revealing the many selves that make up our personalities. In this book, they show how those selves impact our relationships, and they offer both general concepts and specific tips that will help couples of all kinds succeed.

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https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/429582.Partnering

Obviously these books are but two out of however many so if they do not appeal there is very likely to be like those that will, perhaps. 

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Anyway ~ have a good one and may it develop into many many more!

Yes, i will ask. I do need the counselling. My boyfriend keeps suggesting me to take medicine. He is on med's and it helps him very well to tone down his emotions. But i'm a bit skeptic about it... i will try counselling first.

No worries! I’m wondering what the best way to help you with these thoughts is. I’ve had CBT (not adapted for autism) before for my ocd and it was useless. Would your GP maybe know of any autism specific counselling local to you that you could access? It might be worth asking. 

Yes, he told me the reason he did not approach me and add me to social media was because of his former relationships where he was hurt and rejected and he was almost 100% certain i would do the same. There was an aura about me, a confident aura (that's my mask cause i'm not confident) and he kinda knew this was not going to work out and thought i would never ever want him... Thus he kept on looking on dating apps to find people and he approached me finally 5 months later or so. The thing is, he did it... So i should be happy but instead, my mind keeps on dwelling about the things in between. As i have a low self esteem too i constantly fear i'm second best. Thanks again Kitsune for your wonderful message. It kinda helps putting things in perspective. I'm glad i posted this online. Maybe i should not be too hard on him. But indeed, the relationship itself is fine, he is such a good person, treats me very well. But the thoughts i have are very toxic :'( 

There seems to be a few things going on here. First and foremost, this is autism, our brains get stuck on things, they get stuck going around in ever decreasing circles, sometimes about things that we would rather not be thinking about, but on it goes. It is a complete pain in the brain!

You say that it is a toxic relationship. What has he done to make it toxic? Has either of you actually done anything to make it toxic or is it just these thoughts that are plaguing you?

Autistic people do tend to get attached very quickly, whether in a relationship or a friendship. We also have meltdowns which can be when lots of worries and concerns have built up and we just go BOOM! From experience, sometimes other people try to use this to make us look bad but actually it’s just a reaction to a bad situation. Sometimes perhaps we need help to manage situations better so that we don’t get to that point and sometimes other people put us in that situation and it’s unavoidable.

Perhaps your boyfriend isn’t very confident with women and is used to being rejected? That might explain why he didn’t Pursue you more after you had met once. He might have been worried that he would appear to eager or that you would not be interested and reject him didn’t want to put all of his eggs in one basket (metaphorically speaking) at that point in time, until he knew that you definitely were interested.

This situation sounds really difficult for you. Are you able to get help from anywhere to help you to manage this a bit more?

Its definitely not borderline, but i have autism. It just looks similar in my case as i want control over anything :( I have those extreme feelings only in romantic relationships, it feels like an overload of emotions and thoughts, i can't carry it and i'm happiest by myself.

Knowing about own autism helps you both to navigate the relationship. Likewise, you mentioned Borderline... Have you thought of exploring this in a way that would brings some help and understanding, either way?