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i"m wondering if my partner is Autistic, how do i approach this please

NAS65188

Hello there, thank you for being out there to talk to. I have been with my partner for nearly 3 years and feel he is an active autistic adult. i have taken the test myself and since doing so thought it would be a good way to broach the topic with him. How do i pursue this, without pressure. This is personal and i dont want to list the reasons i feel this way, wouldnt want to embarrass him. i would like to go forward in our relationship and i really believe that looking towards this would help us, both, greatly. Is there anyone out there who has helped, or been helped, by the partner to get the test/help to go forward? thank you for your time. i look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time. 

  • Hi. I'd just recommend caution when using online tests - there are a lot of bogus tests out there that aren't based on scientific evidence. Some legitimate tests can be a good indicator of autism, but still wouldn't replace a formal diagnostic assessment. 

    Rather than getting him to do a test, it might be useful to have a look at some of the autistic traits listed on the NAS website to see if any of them sound familiar. You could always say you were reading some interesting information about autism and lots of it sounded quite familiar, and ask whether he's ever thought about it. 

    The important thing is not to rush him into making any decisions. Once you've had the initial conversation, give him some time to process it. It took me years to decide I wanted a diagnosis, and some people prefer not to have one - everyone has to make their own choice in this case. It's also good to know that your partner will stick around whether you're diagnosed as autistic or not, so just be supportive and make it clear that it wouldn't change the way you thought of him.

  • There are a number of good books about long-term relationships/marriage to a person with Asperger's that would be worth you checking out. One of these is Asperger's Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford. This one in particular provides a number of scenarios from people who live with/are married to people with Autism and provides approaches to coping mechanisms for both parties. There are many others, some relating solely to the marriage dynamic. 

  • in reply to 121212

    oh my gosh, i am so sorry that has happened to you. i hear and see the lack of intimacy right there. no connection is there. that will be hard to deal with. its like - Hey, im standing here trying to have a meaningful conversation but might as well be about dirt for all the connection you are having. i struggle with the lack of intimacy and sexual connection in my relationship. i know its not him per say but i feel if i was a computer id get more attention. 

    Without sounding harsh, id like there to be confirmation so that we could both get the help/support we need. I trust he would flourish if he understood the way he is is who he is, but i think the idea scares him. i would like to have support and learn how to be with him, id also like him to learn how to be with someone, if this makes sense. ive watched the good dr, and i know he is an extreme but if he can try to learn/adapt, then id like to think my partner would be open to it too. 

    What are you going to do? You deserve to be happy and if thats the depth you are getting from your husband......well......

    let me know how you are doing

  • I wonder the same thing about my husband of 2 years.  I believe STRONGLY that he does and we even went to a counselor because I wanted to get him texted.  We didn’t go through the test because the counselor asked me in front of my husband why I felt the way I did about him.  I wasn’t able to say in front of him all the things I feel like were “wrong” with him.  So we left.  I dropped the subject of getting tested.  I believe with all heart he does has AS.  He is extremely dependable, trustworthy and honest.  He’s a good man except there is 0% intimacy or sex between us.   I am 45 and I’m wondering if I can live the rest of my life like this.   I got married (this is my second marriage) so I wouldn’t be alone... and I am so unbelievably alone.  I told him yesterday I was considering leaving him, he didn’t respond .. just simply asked “how my day was at wk and what we were doing for dinner”.   Not sure what to do now.          
    My point is.... do you really need a test to conform what you fee ? 

  • You could talk generally about the online test to see if it piques his interest. Something along the lines of "A few of us in work took the test out of interest and we found the results interesting etc". Personally I only considered the possibility that I might be autistic by chance after watching a film, based on Daniel Lightwing (a mathematician), called X+Y . When watching this film I could see some similarities in the main characters life experiences and my own. This prompted me to do some research of my own. 

    Hope this helps