Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone.
I am a new user from California, USA. I just turned 30 in late October. Just a few months ago I found out that I had Asperger's. I have struggled immensely in the romance department, and despite wanting to, I have never had a girlfriend nor had sex up to this date. In my entire life, I have probably been on around 7-8 dates with women. All of them were just first dates with different women that never worked out. I am quite socially awkward, shy, timid, anxious and nervous.
In addition to Asperger's, I have had social anxiety, generalised anxiety, on and off depression depending on my life situation, hypochondria, plus moderate to severe OCD including pure O and ruminations. Perhaps this entire combination of problems has hindered my dating life.
I live in a place with a huge social stigma against people who are older virgins, especially male virgins. Being a virgin even at 18 or 19 is considered way too old and can be cause for beration and criticism from others. Imagine my case at age 30. I have been berated and made fun of for being single and a virgin since I was age 13. Every year was receiving endless comments about virgin loser this and that, why I have no girlfriend, why am I still single so old, why I am so weird, why am I so shy, why I am so awkward, etc.
My social awkwardness has especially hindered my interactions with women. I often say and do thing very clumsily and weird, which probably makes me look unattractive. I have very poor flirting skills despite having read some articles about how to do so. My social skills are poor. My only source of socialising is attending socials from meetup.com and InterNations. Most of the time, the events are poor, and I often meet people who are, in my view and in my experience, toxic, lacking empathy, self-centred, arrogant and judgemental. Right now I would say that I have zero friends in real life, and just perhaps one or two distant acquaintances from meetups.
I studied in various degrees in university, so between ages 18-27 I was busy studying hard. This meant that I had zero social and dating life. All I did was lock myself in the room and study night and day instead of going out with friends or dating women. I feel like I have missed the prime years of my life, as well as the opportunity to socialise with fellow students from my universities. I have three degrees in STEM fields: biology, mathematics and chemical engineering. In the future I plan to study medicine in Italy.
However, all of this academic stuff is moot--I feel like I have sacrificed my entire life to my studies, such that now at 30, I have no friends no girlfriend/wife. I feel alone and the multiple rejections plus negative comments that I have received from women about my being single and virgin at this age have affected my self-esteem. In the past couple of months, I have slowly but steadily been working on increasing my self-esteem and self-confidence. However, this Christmas made me fall a bit into a mini-depressive state. I spent Christmas alone, no friends no girlfriend, just me alone.
I feel like as time passes by, it is getting harder and harder for me to attract women. I have endless amounts of faults and negative traits, plus I often hear negative comments about how most women do not want a virgin and single guy who is this old with zero relationship/sexual experience. It feels really depressing to hear this.
My mother has Asperger's, plus was a virgin until age 27. She has a milder case than I do, but I notice that problems with romance, plus ASD, seem to run down my mother's side of the family. My late maternal grandfather most likely had Asperger's, and was a virgin until almost age 50. In fact, the reason that I probably had such an old grandfather was because he got married and had children so late in life. He was born before the end of the First World War.
I feel like I have a lot to offer as a potential boyfriend to any woman out there. I would like to think that I am not of low intelligence. I am brutally honest, which means that I am not one of those guys who is a pathological liar nor plays games. I am a caring person who is not arrogant nor self-centred. But still, I feel like these qualities are not really considered positive. Or if they are, that my many negative traits are seen as outweighing the positives.
This holiday season, especially with New Year this Wednesday, has made me feel a bit down about my situation. Every day I dream of the day that I finally meet some woman and I can finally be at least somewhat happy and not alone doing everything by myself. But that dream I have been having since I was 13 in 2002.
Hi Leon
I am impressed with your academia; 3 degrees you must be clever! Come to the UK and help me out! As far as your dating women goes don't be to hard on yourself; count your blessings those women didn't take things passed the dating period. they probably did not understand you and weren't the right type of material for you. Trust me I know what I'm talking about. If they dumped you during the dating period count your lucky stars they've done you a favour. You didn't have to dump them. Concentrate on yourself hopefully you'll attract the right person. Don't just settle for being anybody's boyfriend.
By the way 27 is a good age to marry I was a year younger when I married. some people marry later than that. Others marry early and get divorced.
take everything in your stride. Look after yourself and don't worry you don't need the added anxiety; it'll only make you worse. So what if you are aged 30 years you probably don't look it? Let the right person come to you. Celebrate the fact you are living independently and; not reliant on someone who may not even know how to meet your needs. Worst still they could be someone who is demanding on you. Keep off the online chat sites as well they attract the predatory Narcy types. I would strongly advise you tor brush up on narcissism and toxic people; they tend to target people on the spectrum because we are "too nice" and; can be taken advantage of. Stay away from toxic people like the plague or keep contact to absolute minimum.
You got three degrees concentrate on getting a job or your ambition of studying in Italy. just put dating aside and concentrate on living your life. if you are not happy where you are living; work on long term plans to move to Italy or somewhere where you will be accepted and helped. Trust me; the last thing you want is a partner who does not understand you.
Enjoy your own company during the holiday season! I was on my own during the holiday season; it was too cold to go out I stayed in and; found some fun activities to do. I was to busy to feel lonely. you aught to do the same...keep yourself busy.
Remember though; if someone comes your way just be a gentleman; classy women don't like jerks. Most importantly just be yourself; you don't have to put on airs and graces just to impress someone. Women who want to be impressed are not classy at all; their's something usually fundamentally wrong with them. Try and brush up on your social skills as well. There's no rush the last thing you want is a relationship where you are struggling and; under pressure to get rid of the other person because their mask slipped; or they just couldn't think for themselves.
The few "acquaintances" you do have stay in touch with them give yourself the potential of friendship with them. Trust me you'll feel a lot better and there will be an opportunity for you to grow socially. I am assuming you like your social interactions with these "acquaintances" if so carry on the interaction and see where it goes.
Best of luck.
Hopefully you've just made a new friend.
Let me know how you go.