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Feeling like the people I love would be better off without me :(

mouse2

I seem to attract one horrible person after another, by that I mean people who look to do you harm. I'm staying in more now and go to quiet things when I need social interaction but I still come across awful people. I honestly dont understand why this is. I'm exhausted once more from working out situations, peoples intentions, 'what if' thoughts. Tired of shut downs when I need urgently to take action (something awful happened recently and I shut down, I couldnt stop myself from it I felt useless and I let someone down in a huge way)

The thing is, I can stay in all week and go out just once and something can happen that regular people have no experience of. I want to stay home indefinatly but I know that I cant as I'm a parent. I just feel helpless and a rubbish parent as I cant decipher people in time or I shut down completely 

Im just so tired. Ive called the Samaratans twice these last few days, As usual you cant get into the GP's. This one incident has shaken me to the core, it was by someone you should be able to trust too. I feel so tired right now :(

  • in reply to mouse2

    Copy out the post you wrote from this forum and take to the GP, if they can't help they will refer you to someone who can.

  • in reply to Roswell

    I think that would be a wonderful idea. 

  • I relate to what you've written about, it's a sad situation. 

    I had a partner for a few months last year who had a 10 year old daughter. Going out to places with them was incredibly stressful for me as I generally avoid speaking to people because I don't cope well. And I found having a 10 year old stepdaughter meant people noticed me more and also I felt obligated to act like whatever a parent is supposed to act like. 

    It's that weight of social expectations and pressure. It's tiring being judged by people for being different in little ways that shouldn't really matter, if people were more open minded and educated about things.

    Most days I go for a walk or to the shops to pick up some food shopping but I stayed in today. I feel better than most days. It surprised me.

    I think us Autistics should develop our own support scheme in local areas. Where people who feel they struggle to cope emotionally can be helped by another Autistic person who volunteers to accompany them somewhere, if that person doesn't want to navigate a difficult situation alone. With a mutual support scheme like that it could be a substitute for a social life too, for those of us like me who don't seem able to manage one. I don't see to have the right mindset to make friends, I'm too introverted maybe. But I do sometimes crave company through either loneliness or feeling vulnerable without needed support. So I guess other Autistic people must feel like me too.

  • in reply to NAS64952

    I'm not sure the GP can help, I did consider it

  • in reply to NAS64952

    thank you, its so hard when I have so much guilt

  • in reply to mouse2

    Try to think of tomorrow, the next day the next week, those thoughts going over and over in your mind will get less and less.

  • The way I describe it is you're trying to walk in a straight line which is doable and simple but any normal interactions that non autistic people would navigate with ease and not cause any ripples can be very challenging for an autistic person where you feel you are drawn into situations (interactions) by either trying to walking passed without interacting (perceived to be rude) or forcing yourself to interact knowing you're not very good at it and coming across as stupid. I like you find myself shutting down and withdrawing myself from situations and staying in a lot of the time. What compounds it is having a hidden disability it is hard to find like minded people to fully express your feelings so I hope this forum can give you a little boost until you see your GP!

  • in reply to Original Prankster

    This was a stressful day anyway (I cant go into detail for certain reasons) but what someone done was very unprofessional and extremly concerning. I wish I'd listened to my gut feeling when I first met them but I struggle working people out and give them the benefit of the doubt and then find out when its way too late. I keep getting visions of hanging myself at the moment as I'm replaying the event over and over in my head. This is why I'm calling samaritans and trying to get external support with what I need to do next to address this.

    I'm honest, caring and kind so I dont understand people who do what they do to other people it scares me what may have happened after I shut down

  • The people you love, love you and would be devastated to lose you.

    If you suffered a shutdown when in a stressful situation you didn't let anyone down - this is a psychological/physiological response to stress that you have little/no control over - the person you feel you let down will understand if they care about you that you couldn't help them - and that's a dig difference from 'wouldn't' or 'could have but didn't'...

    Can you make changes that mean you don't need to take 'urgent action' (triggering a shutdown)? Or, are you experiencing a baseline level of stressors that mean a shutdown is never far off - if so, can you reduce that background stress so you have the capacity to take 'urgent action when required.

    Ideally do both approaches...

    "When you're going through hell, the trick is to keep going..." Winston Churchill