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Telling an old partner about diagnosis.

Matt

Hey everyone, just wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation. My partner and I split a couple of months back, a mutual decision. 

For context we'd both been going through a troubling time in our own personal lives, for myself I had had a burst of stimming after having my seconded severe meltdown (which freaked us both out) I was worrying what was wrong with my and had no Idea I had ASD (which since been diagnosed).

We decided to part ways because (more so my partner) was incredibly worried that their issues were hurting me and that we didn't want to end up hurting each other but have time apart to heal, without adding any additional pressure. We were always very close and open but what happened to me scared me and I didn't have an answer.

It was left to me to arrange a catch up but since I've been diagnosed I'm a little worried about how to approach it. Part of me feels as though I owe an explanation so that they don't feel as though it was their fault, but at the same time I don't want to come across as using ASD as an excuse which it most certainly isn't.

Before I make a decision I know I need to have a more eclectic understanding and be comfortable with the diagnosis. I'm well on my way as straight away it genuinely felt like a missing piece of the puzzle was found.

  • Just been looking back at this, thanks everyone for the replies. So a development here, I asked to meet, they didn't want to and cut even more contact, removing numbers etc. I've only just (about 5 months now) stopped checking social media for pictures and updates. I've recently had my full diagnosis and report which confirms I have ASD. Part of me still wants to reach out but with it being two years and close friends explaining how their behaviour was actually quite toxic (something that took a long time to process).

    Has anybody thought that explaining it to people from your past is trying to justify their behaviour with your diagnosis?

  • in reply to Nessie

    Thanks for the reply! I understand exactly where you're coming from, there are a few people in my life that I do wonder what the point in telling them is, and there isn't. At all!

    We've cut a lot of communication, social media, constant contact, but we're still very civil. 

    I think the main thing to take from what everyone has said is to just be myself and make sure I'm comfortable with whatever decision I make,

    It's been really helpful posting on here, the replies have definitely made me feel less like an alien!

  • I sometimes wonder about trying to reconnect with old acquaintances to tell them about my diagnosis and explain my past behaviour. Ultimately, I think though, to what end? There are a couple of people from my past who I think I could be friends with if they knew, but I really struggle to socialise so suspect it would only lead to another fake friendship to maintain, which I find exhausting. I think it's more about not wanting people to think badly of me or have been left with the wrong impression of me, when, in reality, I doubt they ever think of me at all.

    You're in a different situation because it sounds like you're still on good terms and the communication channels are still open; plus, having been in a romantic relationship I would think you were necessarily closer anyway. I'm sure if your ex is interested in catching up with you, then they will also be interested in hearing the news of your diagnosis too. However, if, when you reach out, they no longer want to meet up, then you probably have your answer. Of course, they might also have made some progress with their issues and might want to share that news with you too. Right now, it doesn't sound like you have much to lose by telling them, and it might feel good to share it with someone who you know cares/cared about you.

  • in reply to Former Member

    I think writing things down would help on a personal level anyway! Thanks.

  • Former Member
    Former Member

    I can understand why you are canvassing for other opinions over this dilemma, it’s a good idea.

    One course to take, would be to write a letter, old fashioned I know, but more personal than electronic forms of communication. This would give you both, time to absorb the fact of your diagnosis, and to do so without the added complications that a face to face conversation may involve.

    I bumped into an ex from 30 years ago recently, we went for a coffee and a chat. A different situation, but she did wonder how things would have turned out if we’d known at the time. I thought this was pointless speculation after such a long time. But you never know how someone feels, if you don’t ask them - especially true for an autistic person.

  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    Thanks for the reply! I know it's not as black and white and some threads I've read on the subject, I definitely relate to wanting to make sure everyone around me is okay.

    I think part of it is for myself, but as you mentioned to take some of the responsibility away from them. 

    I honestly feel as though this decision is very different from any others I've made because after my diagnosis I'm actually taking the time to figure out what is the right course of action, with this situation but a lot of others as well. 

  • This is the first time I've seen this question asked, though I've asked myself similar questions. In my case though, the relationship (marriage) that ended was 20 years ago so any thinking I do is only me reflecting on the role that undiagnosed autism played in that marriage (that is, I don't intend on having any discussions with my ex).

    An awful lot of course depends on how you feel about things. I think if you do meet, it's possible to explain things in a way that helps your ex feel less responsible but also yourself, without using autism as an excuse (more of a reason or explanation for certain things that neither of you could know at the time).

    But also, I know that I care far too much about what other people think of me, and I think autism gives us a desire to make sure that everyone is OK and to take on the world's problems.

    It's kinda hard to disentangle this from how you might be feeling in the near aftermath of a break-up.

    I think if it were me, I'd find it hard not to say anything.

  • Sorry for not going into to much detail, it's almost a brief summary of the situation.