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Telling an old partner about diagnosis.

Matt

Hey everyone, just wanted to see if anyone has been in a similar situation. My partner and I split a couple of months back, a mutual decision. 

For context we'd both been going through a troubling time in our own personal lives, for myself I had had a burst of stimming after having my seconded severe meltdown (which freaked us both out) I was worrying what was wrong with my and had no Idea I had ASD (which since been diagnosed).

We decided to part ways because (more so my partner) was incredibly worried that their issues were hurting me and that we didn't want to end up hurting each other but have time apart to heal, without adding any additional pressure. We were always very close and open but what happened to me scared me and I didn't have an answer.

It was left to me to arrange a catch up but since I've been diagnosed I'm a little worried about how to approach it. Part of me feels as though I owe an explanation so that they don't feel as though it was their fault, but at the same time I don't want to come across as using ASD as an excuse which it most certainly isn't.

Before I make a decision I know I need to have a more eclectic understanding and be comfortable with the diagnosis. I'm well on my way as straight away it genuinely felt like a missing piece of the puzzle was found.

Parents

  • This is the first time I've seen this question asked, though I've asked myself similar questions. In my case though, the relationship (marriage) that ended was 20 years ago so any thinking I do is only me reflecting on the role that undiagnosed autism played in that marriage (that is, I don't intend on having any discussions with my ex).

    An awful lot of course depends on how you feel about things. I think if you do meet, it's possible to explain things in a way that helps your ex feel less responsible but also yourself, without using autism as an excuse (more of a reason or explanation for certain things that neither of you could know at the time).

    But also, I know that I care far too much about what other people think of me, and I think autism gives us a desire to make sure that everyone is OK and to take on the world's problems.

    It's kinda hard to disentangle this from how you might be feeling in the near aftermath of a break-up.

    I think if it were me, I'd find it hard not to say anything.

Reply

  • This is the first time I've seen this question asked, though I've asked myself similar questions. In my case though, the relationship (marriage) that ended was 20 years ago so any thinking I do is only me reflecting on the role that undiagnosed autism played in that marriage (that is, I don't intend on having any discussions with my ex).

    An awful lot of course depends on how you feel about things. I think if you do meet, it's possible to explain things in a way that helps your ex feel less responsible but also yourself, without using autism as an excuse (more of a reason or explanation for certain things that neither of you could know at the time).

    But also, I know that I care far too much about what other people think of me, and I think autism gives us a desire to make sure that everyone is OK and to take on the world's problems.

    It's kinda hard to disentangle this from how you might be feeling in the near aftermath of a break-up.

    I think if it were me, I'd find it hard not to say anything.

Children
  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    Thanks for the reply! I know it's not as black and white and some threads I've read on the subject, I definitely relate to wanting to make sure everyone around me is okay.

    I think part of it is for myself, but as you mentioned to take some of the responsibility away from them. 

    I honestly feel as though this decision is very different from any others I've made because after my diagnosis I'm actually taking the time to figure out what is the right course of action, with this situation but a lot of others as well.