Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m interested in the perspectives of both ASD and NTs who married ASDs.
I’m engaged and we had planned our wedding for the start of this year but decided to postpone 6 weeks before because I was too poorly (vestibular migraine) and the church and hotel we had booked were both messing us about.
The thing is, we didn’t enjoy planning a single aspect of our wedding. We found it a massive chore and in no way exciting, romantic or anything else. While we both know we definitely want to be with each other and we definitely want to get married, we don’t want to be burned out by all the prep.
On the other hand, we feel that eloping wouldn’t be right for us as we do want to be able to celebrate with our families. I would feel I had missed out a massive milestone if my dad didn’t walk me down the aisle, and I’m certain he would feel the same.
I know you’ll all say, “It’s your wedding, you can do it however you want,” but really what I’m looking for is concrete examples of things that worked for people with autism. For example, one idea we are toying with is having a small, formal service in a chapel with our very immediate families and then throwing a bigger party/reception a few months later for the wider family and a few friends. Neither of us really like being the centre of attention anyway.
Along with Asperger’s, I also have a number of physical health problems which cause fatigue and pain so that is a limiting factor too.
We had to budget very carefully for our wedding, there was no other way. We spent £1000 in total, mostly on food. I got my wedding dress in a sale and friends of ours did the cake. It was held at the church we both attended, and our pastor did the service. Various members of the church helped with flowers. The worship group provided the music. We had a reception immediately after the wedding, mainly for the members of the congregation we didn't know so well, and a much smaller gathering of family and friends in the evening.
Being the centre of attention was difficult, the best man was under instructions not to focus on embarrassing personal anecdotes in his speech, and there was no way I would have led the dancing, but fortunately that wasn't so expected back then. Our honeymoon was a week in a B&B in York.
We realised after the guests had left was that we had forgotten to hand out slices of the cake, but apart from that things went OK, and we are still together nearly 20 years later.
That's wonderful that your church community rallied around to help you. We had been members of our local church for nearly two years, but they still did everything they could to rip us off and be as awkward as possible. We've not been back since, which is sad.
We've not even thought about a honeymoon; it'll maybe be a weekend at a hotel nearby.
I've read somewhere that couples who spend the least on their wedding are most likely to stay together. It's really lovely that you fall into that camp. We look forward to joining you soon (I hope!).