I simultaneously love, and hate, my situation and myself

My thoughts seem to continuously flip-flop between "Yay! I'm me, isn't it great! I understand now!" and "I f**** hate this situation! Three decades of stress that could have been avoided & relationships that could have grown more easily!".

Those thoughts by the way are meant only as illustrations of the types of thoughts that lead to two opposing feelings of a) feeling comfortable in my own skin and optimistic vs b) feeling angry about - I'm not exactly sure what.

I'm fully aware that the "flop" side - negativity, despair, anger, "if only" - is unproductive. But it still arrives in my head.

Anyone else get this?

  • Yes! Even in the 50s, 60s and early 70s, when actually there was quite a lot of positivity around. My positivity still rarely gets much of the oxygen of attention. There's a helluva lot of Carbon Monoxide around these days. Organisations such as NAS certainly invest heavily in positivity, but that positivity is probably just another inconvenient truth to the monetarists, money-shufflers, populists, idealogues, blowhards and play bunnies.

  • Re-reading that makes me feel old too Flushed

  • Smiley Not even too sure Kitsun isn't thinking about now as the 1900s, and so might even be talking about the 1800s. But I really shouldn't make an assumption based on my own age group's sense of perception of 'this century'.Wink

  • way back in the last century

    You're making me feel old.  Smiley

  • I imagine that we’d all have been on the receiving end of a lot of prejudice, having the diagnosis way back in the last century when ASD was understood even less than it is now.

  • I wouldn't have been diagnosed as a young child because Aspergers wasn't even in the ICD until the early 1990's,

    Exactly - in my day, anyone 'different' was just bunged in the 'remedial' class, given a circle of paper and a crayon and left to it.   Academic success wasn't a priority.     There's no way I could have managed to become a CEng with all that ballast holding me back.    My life has not been ideal but, everything considered, it's probably been the best for me.

  • I've certainly experienced these type of conflicting thoughts post diagnosis, though less now than I used to, although I did have to stop myself going down a bit of a dark mental spiral with it the other day.

    On the positive side. It's so liberating/validating/clarifying to finally have this diagnosis and to understand why I am the way I am and the more that time goes on, the more I am giving myself permission to just be 'me'.

    But of course I've also had thoughts of 'if only I'd been diagnosed as a child, then I could have had all of the early intervention, surely my parents would have made better choices had they known that their daughter is autistic, my life would have been so different'. I've felt true envy towards those diagnosed as children, convinced that I've been deprived of all the privileges that I perceive them as having had.

    BUT 

    Rationalising: I wouldn't have been diagnosed as a young child because Aspergers wasn't even in the ICD until the early 1990's, by which time I was at secondary school. How can I be sure that my parents would have made better choices? I can't! My life may have been different but not necessarily in a good way! Are people who are diagnosed young really privileged? I doubt they perceive themselves as such, though I would need to ask them to be sure of that! In any case, I can't change the past, obsessing over 'what ifs?' will not bring me any benefit. It is as it is. Best to look to the future and see what can be done to improve my life moving forwards.

  • Of course, the flip-flop of living in a world of grey, when you think black/white, trying to find the right medium.

    I love it that I am different, operate/think different yet hate it that it opens up the use/abuse/bullying of Its who have no concept/care of my mental health/wellbeing.  

    I love the popularity of being seen as the specialist/expert in something and the person to help yet hate it that the damagement have no concept that it reduces my stress/anxiety.

    Then you can add in how, during the past 40 years, equality/discrimination rules/laws have improved but in the real world it is all talk.  The point where Mental Health/Lifelong conditions become as high profile as PRIDE is the day the diverse population get recognised.

    Being a perfectionist, hating unfairness, and taking things to heart and ruminating on the worst case scenario hits all the crumple buttons of the downside to my life experiences.

  • So all you need is a roller-skate at the top of the stairs to speed up the inheritance......  Smiley

  • Yes, potentially, but there's a chance we might get some inheritance in the period between my being able to take my pension and the mortgage getting paid off, so there's a chance that I could retire where I am.

  • We live in a high-cost area so we can easily downsize by moving somewhere much cheaper - can you downsize?

  • My dream is similar to yours - but even more on the quiet side. I do live in a village with 2 nice pubs in walking distance but I've found out that I'm less sociable than even I thought. My recurring thought is that I'd dearly like to retire tomorrow & just enjoy living where I am quietly pursuing indoor solitary hobbies - but I can't realistically do that for another 10 years at least.

  • At least there's some comfort in the company, for me at least - thanks for sharing.

  • I'm firmly on the hate side at the moment... Utterly sick to death of it. The negatives are far outweighing the positives. I'm waiting for it to pass, like it usually does. Problem is while it's bad, it doesn't feel like there's a way out or that it'll ever pass. I'm alone surrounded by people again. I'm on the outside looking in at my life as if somebody else is living it for me. I need time to slow down and allow me to catch back up...

    I will try and remember to come back to this and comment when I'm feeling positive and reflect.

  • Looking after yourself sooner may have translated into not pushing yourself and fear of risk.   You're of an age where you've probably reached the height of your career / earning potential so it's time to look ahead to looking after your mental state for the remainder of your life - start putting plans together for how you want to retire, what your 'ideal life' would look like and work towards it.

    My ideal is to retire to the countryside, have enough land to do what I want on without people bothering me and take part in village life - I'm happy to indulge my overblown 'helpfulness' ethic and get involved with things like the local scouts etc. but all at my pace.

    I'm just finishing off this house ready to cash up and move - maybe 18 months-2 years away.

    What's your dream?

  • Thanks Plastic - very logical and positive as usual :-). 

    I can't exactly put my finger on where the anger is coming from - I don't want to say that I'm angry at finding out that I'm autistic, because that's being angry with the way I am, and I wouldn't want to be different (certainly not simply to please society!) and I wouldn't want to give the impression that I think that autism is inherently "bad". I think I tried to dodge that issue by being angry that opportunities were missed - but you're right in saying that in the main they probably would have been the same. What I think might have been different is that I would have been able to look after myself better, sooner.

  • I think you're being very hard on yourself - do you really think life would have been better if you had been diagnosed earlier?   You would have been treated very differently - maybe even sidelined at school so you might not have achieved as much as you have.   You might have been relegated to working in minimum wage McJobs working hard and getting nowhere. 

    I can only suggest that what happened in your past made you who you are - it could have been a lot worse.   Life may not be ideal, but your self-realisation means that you understand how you function as an adult - and you can decide how you want things to be in future.

    I have a similar annoyance - my parents were hopeless - they blundered through life - but if they were a bit more 'awake', my life could have been so much easier.    But they weren't - so I'm here now as the person I am and it's up to me to make my own life what I want it to be.