Not connected to mum and dad

Hi there everybody ive just been diagnosed  2 months ago with moderate to severe asd and i feel so stuck with what to talk about. My mother asks me how i am and i tell the truth im overwelmed with the world etc. It seems to set her off on the defence.  She hasnt been  supportive of the diagnosis  and i feel resentment  building. I have my wife and 2 kids 6 and 1 but my household so noisy i have regular meltdowns, i walk around with massive headphones all day at home which are really uncomftable. When my mum and dad come around i feel this horrible negative energy all of a sudden(i can feel their emotions) which makes me on edge.6 people  in my house at 1 time makes me on edge it feels so hard to deal with. Cant actually be bothered with this as it all drains me. I dont know how to communicate this. Nice to be part of this community to offload.x

  • Hi - welcome to the group. Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. People in this group are very friendly, so hopefully you'll find it a good place to offload and get advice when you need it.

  • Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. I can relate, I was diagnosed two years ago and my mother hasn't read a single resource on autism or tried to understand what it's like for me by asking questions etc. This is despite everyone agreeing that at least 2 out of her 3 children are autistic and seeing me go through a really rocky time MH wise before my diagnosis.

    I don't think my mum really knows how to love and as such her response to situations will always upset me and I see us having less and less contact until we stop having anything to do with each other. She rarely contacts me now, which is why I'm happy for things to fizzle out naturally. I do feel sad about how things are but believe it will be easier when contact stops rather than constantly being disappointed. Plus, I don't believe in keeping in touch with people simply because you're related if they don't bring anything positive to your life. 

    In regards to having children, I gave birth on Wednesday so am new to this. My little one is still in the hospital but I've come home for a few hours on day release. It feels amazing! A couple of times I've felt as though I should feel guilty as this is what society expects but I'm not like the majority of society, I need this time alone time to recharge and to be able to be a good mum, so I'm embracing it. I've had a nap, a little boogie and am now cooking a healthy meal before I return shortly.

    It doesn't sound like your planning any time into your day/week to meet your needs and self-care is crucial to good well-being whether your ND or NT. For example, I'm hypersensitive to noise, therefore, when I became pregnant I started saving to be able to send my little one to nursery two mornings a week from six weeks old as i'm likely to suffer MH issues without the sensory break. If you can't cope being in the house all the time what can you do to remove yourself from the situation? For example, would an evening run or walk provide you with enough space?

  • I've struggled with my relationship with my parents since I left school (30 odd years ago!). I'm sure my dad's autistic and I've just been diagnosed. My mum comes across to me as a narcissist who's in a codependent relationship with dad. Now that I have my diagnosis which has shone a light on dad too, my mum *says* that it helps her to understand, but I'm not convinced. From her perspective it helps her understand why she's had a raw deal from life and had a son who doesn't want much to do with her, but she doesn't understand or ask about how it affects me. I know what you mean about a house full of relatives - hard to find some space (I've hid in the toilet before now!).

    Could you experiment with more comfortable headphones / earbuds? If not, I'm sure if you keep talking here someone will help you come up with ways to explain your needs in a factual non-threatening way (if you haven't already). If you've done that, you've done your best and, in theory, shouldn't feel guilt for looking after your needs - but I say "in theory", because I know how hard it is to prioritise our own needs when that flies in the face of social conditioning.

  • I can perfectly understand how all that noise from 6 people under one roof can be exceptionally irritating to you. You may consider wearing lighter headphones that keep out the noise. Shop around at Amazon.

    By chance, have you heard about the link between autism and CFS?  Someone who recovered from CFS, makes a fantastic discovery.

  • You're only recently diagnosed so you'll need a bit of time to process what it all means to you.    I've boiled it all down to not being able to cope with unpredictability - so what you need to do is look at your life and relationships and try to stabilise them into something you have more control of.    A noisy household and the chaos and randomness of kids is going to be difficult.    Routines are your friend - try to get the kids into a simple, predictable routine so you - and they - know what's expected and what's coming up next.   

    How does your wife interact with you?   Is it calm and straightforward?   Random emotions complicate issues.

    Wandering around with headphones is not taking charge of your life - you're letting everyone impinge on you without setting your own boundaries and rules - and your parents arriving is just adding to it all.

    It I was you, I'd take charge - the easiest change is to visit your parents at their house - then you decide when you've had enough - also, the kids become their problem for a while so let them entertain you all.

    How did you tell them of your diagnosis?   Did you present like a petulant child telling your parents that it's their fault for producing a faulty child?   Do they feel responsible and rejected because of your diagnosis?

    Do you know how you feel?   I don't.   There's so many things going on in my head that a simple, direct question like that is like jamming a spanner in the gears - I glitch - do they REALLY want to know or are they just making polite conversation?

    Why not spend some time writing down how you feel about the whole thing - it might enable you to tidy things up in your own mind and could give you the clarity to work out an action plan of how to reduce your stress.