Routines

So I hear us autistics love/need our routines but what if our routine is doing absolutely bare minimal. Well I think that’s what my routine is and if I have to do anything or am made/asked to do something I get very stand-off ish and rather unpleasant this then leads to arguments with the person asking, mainly my NT wife who is struggling to understand my condition and how it affects me(newly diagnosed) this results in me thinking im just a nasty lazy piece of work and a rubbish husband who not only doesn’t work but doesn’t even help at home. 

I know I shouldn’t but I still feel like there’s something wrong with me and I’m broken! I’m a worthless waste of oxygen! 

  • It's nice to hear from you.  And I apologise if I wrote anything to upset you last week.

    Routines are good.  They make people more predicable. 

    What exactly is your wife asking you to do?

    And are these requests reasonable?

  • I HATE having any kind of plan for the weekend or evenings.  If people invite me to things or keep messaging about meeting at a certain time etc I get really angry, even though they're friends and being nice.  I feel really harassed and get angry.  But I guess that is our routine, and that is our opportunity to have some freedom and downtime for ourselves.  I have to be at work every single day for a set number of hours at the same time, so outside of work is for me.  Although you don't have an obvious routine, when you're doing the bare minimum do you have a routine within that?  Mine include what I have decided to eat and when I want to eat, so whilst it's not an obvious routine as in I WILL EAT AT THIS TIME LIKE I DO EVERYDAY, to me in my head I have decided for example that I want to treat myself to a proper meal for Saturday lunch, I'm doing nothing before or after that time, but I know that, and I look forward to it, and to a proper meal.  If that makes sense?

  • You are very eloquent I sympathise. I have been driving my son mad over the years asking him to do things. Your wife might be interested in the training available on the professional pages of this site, you have to pay but I found them useful. i descovered that repeating the question when you get no response is my problem, dont repeat myself any more! 

    Would Rotas help you? e.g son cooks a meal every other night now there is a rota on the kitchen wall, he knows which nights he is going to be asked. He uses a packet mix with very clear instructions, and also helps meal planning and shopping for the ingredients. He is beginning to enjoy cooking and has made some great meals, (and some not so good!)

    I think you sound like you really want to help round the house. Could you agree with your wife a rota for the things she would like you to do every week, so you are making a regular contribution? Having the rota written down helps me as I have memory like a seive and stops me asking the same thing again.

  • Hey :) 

    It's quite common for people with autism to like routines - they're predictable and easy to follow. But if you feel like your routine is quite bare, then that can change. Making habits and incorporating them into a routine takes time and effort, but if it's something positive (e.g. meditation), it's a good routine to have. Routines are structured, but they don't have to be fixed - you can add and remove parts of a routine to make it work for you. Think about something you'd like to introduce into your routine - getting some exercise, going to see a friend, blocking out some time for admin etcx

    Much love <3