Melt down understanding

The main thing I feel is that I need to be alone away from anyone with peace and quiet. If something has stressed me, sometimes other people can make it worse and I get frustrated and irritated. I feel like I need to ‘reset’ basically.

you probably should have started a new thread... this albatross is two years old..and by some other person...  oh well, i didn't read the old thread.

well, a melt is not a cry for help. it just happens, if things escalate. i guess picturei t like you're under extreme pressure, then more then more, then someone starts banging a drum, blowing a trumpet, and smashing cymbals 2 feet from your head.

idk if should talk to your wife about apologizing,, or maybe better is just exploring how she is feeling i guess. she needs to maybe get in touch with her feelings. might be easier said than done. i'm not joking.

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have two children, 8 & 5. Our eldest got his ASD diagnosis a year ago and the training courses we have done and books we have read have really helped to reduce his meltdowns and also help him to recover from them more quickly. During the diagnosis process my wife realised that she was probably autistic too, this realisation made so much about the way she feels, thinks and reacts make sense. 

I’m NT, I suppose, and it is hard to always get it right when supporting my wife. I’m not instinctive enough and don’t always recognise what might trigger a meltdown in her. When she melts down she attacks me (verbally!) and I find it hard to immediately show the sympathy this cry for help deserves. The woman I love is calling me names and blaming me for everything, it hurts and I panic and don’t know what to say. 

Reading your description of your meltdowns, and the others on here, is so helpful because it makes me see that you aren’t in control and might say things you don’t mean. Is that right? 

The thing I struggle with the most is that after the meltdown, once we have discussed what I did wrong or how I triggered it and I’ve apologised, my wife doesn’t apologise or acknowledge the hurt I’ve felt during her meltdown. She sees her explanation of why she reacted in that way as enough

With our son, we always discuss his meltdowns and how he can make better the hurt he caused as well as why they happened and how to avoid them. 

Is it reasonable to expect my wife to apologise or at least acknowledge that I’ve been hurt by the things she’s said during a meltdown or should I accept the she was out of control and not responsible for my feelings? 

Any advice would be hugely appreciated. 

Yes I agree that it's exaggerated during a meltdown; noise and light.

I’m the opposite and generally like very loud bass music, find it quite good at drowning out my constant overthinking. 

I think it’s just about minimising all sensory input, so that our brains can calm down and reset. I find noises more irritating and lights more blinding when I’m highly stressed which would include being in meltdown.

Dark rooms help me too - must be to do with lowering the amount of sensory input. I often find everything too loud and too bright when I'm in meltdown.

I hate it when it happens somewhere I can't get out of - it makes me feel trapped! The tram is a common one for me - the feeling of being squashed in and unable to get out is awful.

Perhaps I should clarify using the term possessed. I did put inverted commas around it, but I acknowledge it was clumsy.

I was trying to emphasise that during a meltdown I can't easily pull myself out of it. I just have to let it run its course.

I wasn't in any way suggesting darker forces were afoot. Hope that clarifies.

What I have been able to fathom so far about my own meltdowns is as follows: 

Sometimes I can have a meltdown as a result of an event that I am anxious about. Luckily I can notice myself building up to these ones and will usually manage if by changing or delaying the event, if I am able to. If I’m not able to then as I can feel the stressy feeling intensifying then I would try breathing exercises and distraction/diversion techniques to reduce its intensity. If these don’t work then I’ll end up a sobbing inconsolable mess for anything up to a few hours.

The second cause of meltdowns that I’ve identified is usually when I’ve had a few stresses building up and then something happens that tips the balance, usually when circumstances at home suddenly and unexpectedly spin out of control. This tends to cause a much more volatile meltdown where I’ll be shouting and screaming at the person (adult) who has caused things to spin out of control, I’ll be sobbing, I’ve even been known to start clawing at my own face making it bleed (though this is very rare and hasn’t happened at all for a few years). In that moment I just want to get away from the horrible feeling inside me, I’ll take myself off for a walk on my own and get quite alien thoughts of jumping in front of a train or similar (I say alien because I am not at all suicidal and certainly not depressed at the moment) but those thoughts are specific to being in meltdown mode and just wanting to do anything to get rid of that feeling. I usually end up shutting myself away in a room away from other people for a few hours, sometimes in the dark, as the only way that I can calm myself down is to completely shut off from all external stimulation. Once I have eventually calmed down I have to do a diversion activity to snap my brain out of it, I’ve sometimes done a short 1 or 2 hour training course online, just to get my brain thinking about something else.

Hope this helps!

I would think these are meltdowns for sure.  I don't think meltdowns have anything to do with personality. I can relate a lot to parts of what NAS and  Duck are saying. I can't relate to possessed. Is there 'no obvious reason' for you, or for someone else. Autistic people usually know why and for me reasons are quite overwhelming and close to the heart. Seeing my daughter struggle upsets me and not having enough control to help it, not being able to resolve something so dear to the heart can trigger a meltdown in me. I can deal with a lot. But certain things shouldn't leave me indifferent, I wouldn't wish to be insular to people I hold dear in my heart.

I can usually sense them starting to develop and if I can I'll take myself out of the situation completey; usually for me it's the outdoors I need to give me space and to reconnect.

Easier said than done though, and not always possible to get out of the situation you are in; a traffic jam for example.

They sound very similar to the meltdowns I have. Do you live with anyone? If so, they might be able to help you spot the warning signs (I never knew what they were until my partner spotted them - I tend to get either hyperactive or extremely anxious just before a meltdown). If you live alone, try keeping a diary and logging when you have meltdowns. Try and think about what you were doing and how you felt before the meltdown; you might start to see some patterns emerging. In terms of recovering from the meltdown, think about what makes you feel calm and try to keep a list of things you can do to help yourself feel better (for me, it's a weighted blanket, a hot cup of tea and a dark, quiet room).

It might be helpful to get therapy for your anxiety - the more anxious I am, the more meltdowns I seem to have. I'm currently going through therapy on the NHS and hoping it'll help in the long-term.

I believe they are. You've described what happens to me. Sometimes I'm put in a situation I know I'm going to struggle with; looking after the grandkids on my own for example.

It starts to bubble up in me and every little thing seems to be compelling against me; I'll drop a plate; they don't like the meal I've prepared; the phone will ring at an inopportune time; there'll be someone at the door trying to sell something; the kids will be arguing over a toy and before I know it, I'm no longer in control. I'll get irritable; I'll be functioning at 100 miles per hour but making no progress getting tea ready etc. I can get angry, upset, throw the towel in, everything seems too much, struggle controlling breathing; getting things out of proportion; the TV is too loud. I realise afterwards that I've almost been "possessed" during that period of time.

I think a build up of stress and things playing on your mind can trigger this activity.