Published on 12, July, 2020
Hy to everyone here.. Im Nina and im new here. Im In a relationship with a very great man since nearly 3 years..
He seemed very quircky and lovely and he took me as i was.. We were in a long distance relationship for about two years.. He lives in a small flat.. But last years end we decided to try to move in together.. So i moved to him.. He warned me from the beginning it would be to small for two and he needs his space.. But as we ladys think love conkers all and it will be ok somehow...
Well what i had to deal with where a few meltdown and him getting very distant and withdrawn and not opening up.. Many issues I did discover and let's say the real him wich i still love to bits.. I tried to give him space and make it work by doing every little thing.. And it just got worst... And he finally was diagnosed with autism asperger specifically... He still doesn't accept it. But he says it is how he is whatsoever they call it.. Well there was two years that person wich was very loving and affectionated and now he became a withdrawn scared person wich doesn't seem to like physical contact very much.. He said it is just due to the living situation we are in. So i decide to move back home.for the sace of this relationship.. He is a very nice and caring guy and I wouldn't want to miss him in my life.. So i will be back home Save some more until we can affort a proper space.
When we discussed it he said he liked beeing with me but in that space it is not bearable for us 2..he is working a lot. Doing his master and had to deal with me..
I just thought if I go back I somehow can safe the relationship befor I ruin it completely.. And i just want to know if there is a chance that he will be kind of like befor again.. More I hope it will be.. I know a lot happened.. And the way he is now.. Might also be the real him.. He has now certain ways. He doesnt like full hugs as it seems. And when he kisses you he doesn't really want to hug.. Or the other way around.. Im so confused.. Because he was so close always and now seems so far like a distant and other person.
Sorry for the long story
Hi
Sorry to hear you're in this position.
If he lives on his own, he'll have a very specific way of doing things that allow him to live in his space - anyone impinging on that space will be creating chaos in his world that he has to grit his teeth to accept. It's also difficult to suddenly accept that you're Aspergers after years of going through life thinking you were ok but just having some difficulties with life.
Work will be stressful for him if he interacts with people so home is his safe-haven - so if it is not a peaceful calm place, he has nowhere to go to de-stress.
He has to understand himself a bit more and understand why he behaves the way he does so he can create a new way of dealing with you which incorporates his Asperger's.
You need to be very calm and clear with him and talk about things. Do not put any emotion or 'love' into your chat - these are abstract concepts that he will have difficulty quantifying in something rational that he can discuss. Be very clear and understanding - maybe even e-mail him so he has time to formulate a proper answer without the stress of a face-to-face discussion.
Good luck with it all.
Thank you very much for your answer.. You are totally right with everything..
At the moment it seems like a mask came off and this is how he seem to be.. I don't know how to talk to him about or if I even should. Like yesterday when I met him on my way home outside with a friend.. He was so like he would talk to me with a guy.. Wich made me feel weird and sad. So i went home.. And said that im confused he wasn't like this.. And he said that was normal, how should I behave? I was nice he said.
Wich made me think.. That that very affectionate person he was whilst we were apart. Even when we stayed together max for a month or 2..before seems to be gone..
I don't know if its because of the situation we are in or if that was a mask and he just wanted to give me everything.. And now..im confused..
So I hope the distance will help.. He said we need the space after this to appreciate each other again.. I was the first relationship he lived together with and he said he didn't regret it just the space drives him mad..
And i know.. Now work will pick up.. He does two jobs until December from August onwards. Finishes his master in acoustic. It might be all to much that i did put on him.. Like you said.. He had to share space. His first own bought flat..
What normally happens is we realise we are a bit different in our teens so we create a mask so we can pretend to be normal and fit in with everyone else - often as a self-defence mechanism to protect us from bullying.
This mask works well while we are on our own but when we get into a relationship, we don't have a proper plan to modify our mask to incorporate an extra person into our lives. There's also a HUGE risk of opening ourselves up to someone else - especially if we've been bullied in the past. Admitting our own needs means dropping our mask and letting someone into our inner self.
The problem is other people are a bit random and it's difficult for us to understand their actions - especially if they don't appear logical or sensible. It causes us extreme stress to work with that level of chaos.
You need to be very open and clear with that is going on for you and ask him about what problems he's having and how you can help him get through it all.
If he's good at what he does, work can be a retreat where he can ignore the outside world because he has that portion of his life under control - it's when work finishes that his problems occur when he has to consider real-life again..
I know i did focus to much. That was one of the problems of this living situation... I forgot myself because I thought I could make up for the space and situation with doing all. And i just realised it is not who I was or who I wanted to be nor who he got to know in the beginning wich freaked him out to.. I lost practically my carefree happy side..
.. But als I am thankful for many new friends I made..
I had this tipical few of a relationship in my mind get married move in in a house have kids.. Because it is what I saw.. I had a horrible relationship before of 9 years and drama and abuse aswell..
What I realised now.. I need to be happy and I want a relationship wich goes together nothing has to be perfect or a certain way.. Just be happy together... I have a good job and I came far in my career as a chef. I got great people in my life wich support me... What i really want is probably happiness and to share it with someone special along the way..